Got a phone number for potential OW- should I ring her?

[Upaheight]

I feel sick. Been with someone for 3 years. A year and a half ago we ran into problems. I found out that he met up with someone a day or so after we officially ended things. He claims he was talking to her online but only friendship through a shared interest and he met up once but they didn't sleep together, I have evidence that it was intended though.

Regardless, we were broken up. We got back together last summer. We'd ended in a way that never felt resolved and i thought we could work.

Last night, I saw some comments on his fb and asked him about a new woman i hadnt heard off making comments with lots of kisses. He said they'd been talking but nothing like that. I just dont believe him.

I've called it off today, I realise I just don't trust him and its not fair on either of us. It's brought back all of the previous stress of did he/ didn't he with the first woman.

Thing is, he's a good talker and I love him. I feel awful that I don't really know anything....about the previous time and this time.

She had her number posted on a social media account. For some reason, there's a part of me that is dying to reach out and ask. I know it's destructive and pathetic and won't change anything, but part of me feels insane and wants to think I'm finding proof or validation for letting him go. I fear I'll doubt myself a day or two in and be convinced I've sabotaged and thrown away a relationship with someone I love. In the same breath, living without trust is no healthy place either.

I'm itching to ring her, pyscho vibes, or what!

Just to add.... his story did change after I said I would contact her in the heat of the moment. He did admit to some flirting and meeting to sell her something ( own business). I feel sick.

Keep your dignity, don't call her. He's giving you the script, admitting only to the bare minimum. My bet is that he did sleep with her, you've done the right thing.

I’d say you don’t actually need to call her. If they did something or didn’t, your feelings are what they are. You do not feel you can trust him, and that won’t change. If he has solid proof that it was all above board, he is still the man who makes you doubt yourself, and doubt him. You can’t live a peaceful life like that. There are men out there who are a better match for you.

If it is on social media, I'd use a different account and message her.

It might not give you the answers you want or could believe: if you threatened to call her, he may have forewarned her by now. She might lie to you on his behalf, or for her own reasons. If he can talk you round/into things, he can talk her round/into things.

I messaged the OW once back in the day, but it didn't get me any further on. I still had unanswered questions and it didn't make me feel any better.

Don't cheapen yourself.
Be strong and act decisively, ie , cut him loose.

This ^ x 100.

Thank you for giving me a reality check. Sorry to hear you have first hand experience of this @category12 but ig did help me see that this wouldn't make me feel better. I'd either look a fool or else I'd not believe her if it didn't confirm it. I feel so sad, probably just want to feel better...angry even!

I sorted her number but think I'll delete it. And staying away from any wine for a while. I think if I just knew, then I'd cope better with breaking up.

Sorry to be Ross... but you were on a break when they had whatever they did, or do you think it continued to call her the 'ow'? Or is this a different woman?

I only use a fake account so I can buy from Marketplace so I'm not on it really, ive no friends and its a different name- i came off social media a few years ago. His account is private but I did see her comments and hearts on a number of photos he must have shared openly. So I did think of messaging her from this account I use, but I thought ringing her might mean she talks without a chance to show him...I'd be agonising over waiting for her to message back and wondering if she's showing him, etc.

He shut down on me the Christmas before last. It was traumatic, nothing I did could bring us into communicating well. I honestly felt like he wanted to end things but didn't know how..I said I don't know how we can carry on if he's so shut off and so we agreed to break up. He accidently shared a screenshot to me the next day and I saw it before he got a chance to delete it. It was sexual in nature and he said he was sorry but it came out that he was meeting someone. When I asked if they'd met while we were still together, he said they talked online as friends because of a shared interested..only turned into something more once we broke up.
When we got back together I tried to bring it up to resolve it. He's still adamant that nothing happened until it was appropriate. If it was when we weren't together, regardless of the short time frame then yeah, we were on a break. I just think he checked out and was cheating.

This is a new person. So I know I couod be just triggered by what happened previously and completely over reacting. Or I'm just listening to my gut. It's killing me that he's so baffled. He was defensive when I asked him about her calmly this morning. Then went on the attack. Changed his story.

But I could be wrong.

The fact his story changed when you threatened to ring her suggests he’s hiding things from you.
I think you know deep down this isn’t the right relationship for you.
I wouldn’t contact her - you don’t know what she tells you will be the truth anyway (if she confirms your suspicions or denies them).
I do understand the need to know though. I did contact the OW and got the answers I needed but equally I can’t unknow what she told me and I’m not sure that was actually helpful to me in the long run.

I’d say trust your instincts.