Another 'should i divorce my dh'.... I'm really struggling not to return from separation

[gardengamer]

I have separated from my DH. Currently staying with family far enough so we can't see each other. One DC. I have taken legal advice, I have found a nice rental close to my family and been accepted if i want to go forward with it, I am OK financially, DC5 has even had a taster day at the primary school (under the guise of seeing what her cousins school is like which she seemed to accept). Me and H have been arguing for months and it has turned ugly, bad rows in front of DC. Years-old stuff and resentments, the same stuff we have argued about for most of our relationship. But I know he misses me. He sent me a card and has been checking in by text. We have brought up divorce before but both couldnt go forward with it. There is still a lot of care there (Im not 'in love' with him and i dont know if he is with me, he claims he is) - we are best friends, but no sexual relationship anymore for 11 months, not much conversation even when it's just the 2 of us, ships in night feeling. He sulks, and we argue, but between those times we rub along and when we have nice times like holidays we have a laugh and I really enjoy my life. Mostly though our day to day, we are depressed about our disconnect and yet cant seem to fix it. I guess my point is, it feels like 'love' isnt enough any more. I want DC to have a stable family home and see that you can leave a bad relationship. She is very aware of our issues and when I was crying the other night she wiped my eyes for me. She describes H as grumpy and knows he is 'mean' to me. I feel so guilty about this so I have removed her.

And yet. We have been away just over 2 weeks and we both are so sad (me and DC, and it seems H too, though I'm less worried about that.) I miss our little home, our pets, I miss the lovely city where we live that I could not afford to rent in alone, nor could I even manage it with child support. She misses her bedroom and her lovely group of friends and even her school! And I guess I miss that feeling of being a family, of someone having your back, another adult. Sometimes I even miss H's jokes or cuddling up in bed. I feel I am doing the rose tinted glasses thing, is this normal? I wasn't happy before. But I keep questioning if we should just go back. Even though everything could fall into place here, i cant bear her sadness, or my own I guess. I just miss my life. When I think, no holiday to our usual place this summer, or no family days out or going to our favourite restaurants, no in-jokes, or no H around ever again, I feel shocked and sad and I have to quickly think of something else. He has been my rock in some ways (the opposite in others). I know the thing aboy 2% of shit in a cup of tea isn't OK, but we have been through a lot, I know he does want us to work. i guess the point is i dont HAVE to do this.

Can anyone relate and does it get better? Or does this mean i should go back if I am having such feelings?

My STBXH was an absolute abusive arse and hasn’t changed in the 18m since we separated but I still feel weak when he occasionally expresses faux remorse for upending my life.

It’s natural to grieve at the end of a relationship.

Unless your DH has been going to some pretty intense therapy, he won’t have changed and living with him will be just as bad as it was before in a matter of weeks.

Stick it out on your own and life will start to get better.

My life is amazing now - calm and peaceful, no rages, no tiptoeing round due to his bad moods. Living by my own rules is fantastic.

If there isn't abuse in the relationship, then perhaps try some sort of halfway house, where you date and do relationship counselling together, while living apart? Continue your plan to rent, go for a tenancy with say, a six month break point and see where you are then. It would be a bit disruptive for your DD's school life if you end up going back, but at 5, it's not the end of the world.

I’m in similar position to Didsomeonesaydogs. Left a miserable, abusive marriage 2 1/2 years ago. Despite it being miserable, I did miss him. I was very dependent on him. He said initially he’d help out at home still but he let me down massively when I really needed help (ad hoc childcare when I was so ill I had to go to hospital). For a long time DD kept saying she wanted him to come home and be a normal family again. She needed a lot of nurturing in that time. Gradually she adjusted. I adjusted. I wrote a list of all the horrible moments or things he’d said if I ever wavered and gradually I learned to be more independent.
Don’t get me wrong, being a single parent is no picnic. XH is around but DD is with me the majority of the time and I don’t feel like many decisions are joint with him these days. Money is tight but I should get promoted too. But you can’t put a price on peace of mind.
You don’t have to rush to divorce. I have a friend who still isn’t divorced several years down the line simply because they split finances easily and there’s no desperate need to. I couldn’t wait to get divorced and XH wanted to buy a property of his own. Your DD will adapt. If anyone says to DD now about me and her Dad getting back together she cringes and says ‘absolutely not!’.
It’s tough at the moment because you’re in limbo…but imagine your rental, just you and DD. Making it your home. New bedding for example. Fresh towels. Tucking her in bed on a Friday night and sitting down in front of the TV, wine in hand. Do you feel relaxed at the thought? That’s what I aimed for and I’m so much happier now.

None of what you've said you're sad about has anything to do with loving your H or thinking you can fix your problems. It's just grieving for what was and not loving the change, which is inevitable when a relationship ends. None of what you've posted suggests you should go back.

It must have been quite serious for you to have gone to your family. You’re very fortunate to have that support. If you go back you might find the support isn’t there next time.

You said he sulks and you don’t have sex. This is your opportunity for a better life for you and your dc.

I think if you are still missing those things, especially the cuddles with him then you aren’t at the permanently separating stage yet. There is hope. When I split up with my first dh I literally wanted to stick pins in him every time he even breathed. I used to fantasise about cleaning the toilet with his toothbrush. The thought of cuddling him made me sick. If you’re not there yet I think it’s worth fighting for.

I’ve been married to my second dh for 15 years now. We have had plenty of ups and downs and I’m sure he would agree there have been times we’ve been close to throwing the towel in but none of those times have been permanent, we knew we wanted to stay married, we love our life together so we just keep muddling through and we’re happy to do so.

You said your not in love with him , I don't think you should go back if your not in love ..

You said your DD has mentioned DH being mean to you- is that what she's observed , or what you've told her? If he's mean enough for a child to comment on it, and it happens more than once in a blue moon, then I would say that in itself is grounds for separating. Likewise the grumpiness, if that's her observation and not yours.
It's not great for you to be crying in front of her, as the child of parents who did that to me I can tell you it is her not her responsibility to be drying your tears. You are the adult, she is a child.