Widowed partner talking about his wife

[S67]

I have been with my partner 4 years. He was married and widowed 15 years ago and had a couple of relationships prior to ours. He has 2 children with his wife.

He has made it clear from the outset he didn't want to get married and that's why his previous relationship ended.

We are very much in love and have a fantastic relationship, we communicate really well but there is this one topic I can't seem to raise with him, hence looking for some advice.

He speaks about his wife to people quite often, I end up feeling like a mistress or second best

I want to raise the topic with him but don't know how to.approach it. I mean I guess what else is he suppose to call.her

Anyone had a similar experience

Thanks for reading

I’d have to have a really honest and frank conversation, and give awhile to sink in, but if after say 3 months I saw no improvement or attempt to move on and break this habit I’d have to walk away.

It’s a negative trait many people have, it’s about always thinking the past is better than the future is or has potential to be, it keeps them save and never really living life to the full - like he’s not fully committing to you, he still has the safety net and unconditional eternal love from the first wife….

If he refers to her as his wife, it must be confusing for people.

Does he not say 'late wife' or 'my wife who passed away'?

I think you just learn to live with it.

In what way does he mention her?

We know a couple who were both widowed and for years would talk about their dead spouses to each other. 16 years on they have faded out of the conversation. If it bothers you, then mention it.

either you learn to accept it, or you leave him. he's not going to change if its been 15 years

Yes this is exactly it,. I f he added late wife that would be fine, thanks !

Just in general.coversion with people when talking about his past, I feel weird just standing next to him when he doesn't always clarify she has passed

well, if they dont know him well enough to know he is a widower, then maybe he doesn't want to drop it into casual conversation

I think it is your problem to adjust to, not his.

The original post isn’t clear. Do you mean that he refers to her as “my wife” in front of you with other people and it makes you feel uncomfortable, that people might think she is still his living wife and you must be his gf on the side?

If so I sympathise and this would make me feel uncomfortable too. I would imagine that he hasn’t at all realised what he is saying and how that would make you feel. I doubt it is intentional. I think it would be totally fine for you to raise this gently - explain that you are fine with him talking about her, but that it is confusing for people when he refers to her as his wife and that it hurts your feelings. I would ask that he refers to her as his “late wife” so as not to hurt your feelings.

He didn’t want to get married to his first wife or he doesn’t want to get married to you?

Just ask him to say ‘late wife’ as you can see people find it confusing. He probably just hasn’t thought.

It sound like a worrying lack of respect towards you, and lacks self awareness of how he comes across. Or he has a conflict of loyalty and feels that by reminding himself and others of his late wife's existence that he's somehow compensating for that.

i refer to my late DH to my DH2 but not in front of others and not on a very regular basis. Late DH will always be dear to me and I will always respect his memory but I purposefully ensure DH2 doesn't feel like second best, why do that to someone who brings me happiness.

i would let him know how it makes you feel when he does that and that you don't want him to feel he can't mention his late DW but it makes you feel uncomfortable..

What has he said about why he doesn't want to marry again?

I wouldn't focus on what he says (symptom) I'd focus on what he feels (cause).

This

it could be very easy for him to interpret it as you don’t want him to talk about her

be very clear the issue is it confuses people not the fact he’s talking about her

If he doesn't know them well.enough to tell.them he's a widower why is he talking about his wife at all though?!
In what context is she being talked about?

I'd frame it as uncomfortable not only because you come across as the mistress, but because it feels unfair to his late wife too... It leads people to believe that her marriage broke down or that she's being cheated on, which isn't respectful to her memory.

You should be able to ask him to refer to his late wife as that - his late wife.
It’s good he still talks about her regularly but also he needs to move on, not forget and not talk about her, but understand that if he wants to move forward he needs to put your relationship first.

My dad has recently started dating after my mum passed 4.5 years ago and went through counselling between his first and second (current) post widowed relationship which helped him massively as he did talk about mum a LOT to the first relationship, he hadn’t realised how much he mentioned her until they broke up and she said. He now still talks about her with his partner (and other people), but a healthy amount, not making her feel second best. I think if the biggest problem is him referring to his wife to other people, perhaps he just hasn’t really realised? Explain how it makes you feel, that you don’t mind him talking about her, but that if people don’t know he’s widowed it makes you feel a bit like his bit on the side when he says he has a wife. Just referring to her as his late wife will make you feel much better.

This is all so helpful and insightful, I've had difficulty even wrapping my head round how it makes me feel let alone bringing it up with him.

The suggestion of using the term.late wife is simple and really would make a difference

I don't mind him talking about his late wife, even I am doing that term now!!, at all when it's just us two, it's around others and we are a social able couple oftten meeting new people, as we live outside the UK we are always being asked how we come to be here and as he came with his late wife that's when it usually occurs.

To answer another poster
He has told me they only got married to make paperwork easier to come and live here.

Thanks so much