Did I say something wrong?

[CharlotteBog]

Email from Sandra:
Pages of how terrible her marriage is, and anecdotes from long ago that have been told to me many times.

My reply: It sounds like there's a lot going on at home and you're not happy at all.
I'm sorry.
I'm not going to offer solutions, because that's not helpful.
I am very much looking forward to [planned event in a few weeks]

Email reply from Sandra (paraphrased)
Sorry to have bothered you. I thought you might understand based on your own experiences. I wasn't asking for solutions or advice, just unwinding.
I won't bother you again.

Other info: She has been telling me about her marriage for many years, but won't leave. I am also concerned that she is losing some of her mental capacity (she is over 80). I have set some boundaries of my own due to increasing demands made upon me - I have reduced contact as she increasingly relied on me.

Maybe it's too complex to get to the bottom of here.

Is she looking for permission to vent perhaps?

I also have to be cautious as I absorb the stress and I feel it on someone's behalf - it's something I've come to acknowledge so if I'm already mentally loaded I am cautious around getting worked up about other situations.

It’s certainly rather blunt, even brusque, but that might have been what you were aiming at if she offloads too much

If you were wanting to sound more sympathetic but noncommittal, I’d have gone with :
“Sounds like you’re dealing with a lot. I’m not surprised you’re feeling overwhelmed! I hope <insert event you mentioned > is giving you something to look forward to. I know I find things a little more bearable when there’s a nice thing on the horizon.”

By your own admission she is losing her mental capacity so take that into consideration when interacting with her.

Email from Sandra:
Pages of how terrible her marriage is, and anecdotes from long ago that have been told to me many times.

Sorry, but Sandra is being completely unreasonable and selfish. Pages? You are not her personal emotional dumping ground so don't feel badly about taking a massive step back from her.

No, what's happened here is she has noticed you setting boundaries and doesn't like it. So she's trying to guilt you into replying and running around after her thinking you've done something wrong.

'Never a bother m'dear, I'm just pretty busy lately so my replies might not be the fastest'.

Don't be guilted. Do things at your in pace. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Boundaries are important.

Thank you. I have replied apologising for being rather brusque rather than sympathetic, then asked her to re-read my email as I think she's either misunderstood or read something into it that isn't there. Then asked what she would like from me and acknowledged that email might not be the best medium. I am not going to offer to help, as she will ask me to go out with her for an evening and I don't want to.

I could bet a lot of £ on the response I will get.

I am torn between feeling like a bitch, being two faced (just cut her off if I don't enjoy the relationship) and maintaining things because we go back a long way, she dotes on my son (though as they have got older she is finding it hard to accept that SHE has not done anything, THEY have grown up), showing some compassion because I don't think she is well. I don't think I can give her what she needs.

I try and keep things light by talking about books, films etc.

She has replied already.
She wants to meet so we can chat face to face when neither of us has to hurry.

I don't do competitive business in my day to day life, but I work full time, am a lone parent to a teenager who has just been off poorly for 2 weeks, try and see elderly relatives who are in care home/psychiatric hospital, do my own hobbies (mainly sport), and see other family and friends. We already have something planned in a few weeks time.
She has none of these things - that's fine obviously. I don't want to explain all that to her (I am happy with my life, it's not a complaint just explanation).

I want her to see that our plans in a few weeks are enough. I guess I can tell her that we can try and meet earlier, though it will be hard, what with the job and needing to do stuff for my son.

For the love of God @CharlotteBog just tell her that you're too busy and can't meet again until your agreed date.

I don't even know this woman and I'm sick of her complaining.

OP, I see a woman desperate to vent with a friend and a friend who had enough of it.
Why did you sent the second email to open the channel you just had closed with the previous one? . Rightly or wrongly she is going to be disappointed with your enough is enough because she is using you as counselling, shoulder to cry or whatever you want to call it.

Because I thought she had misunderstood. I am not sure what I said to her that warranted her saying she'd not bother me again. I got defensive.
I am learning to leave more time before replying to emails.

'I'm sorry Jill, I'm swamped atm and won't be free to meet until that Thursday we have planned. Keep yourself busy pottering about the garden, it's nice weather, get out and enjoy it. And we'll have a good gab when I see you next'.

Don't reply to anything else for at least week.

Op she’s over 80 of course she was just looking for understanding, not solutions. What solutions could you give a woman of this age, she’s clearly not going to get divorced.

And I gave her understanding: a lot going on, not happy, I'm sorry.
So her response was picking up only on the part that said "I'm not going to offer solutions".
There's only so much understanding I can provide. I am notgoing to join in bitching about her husband, or empathise by reminding her of events in my marriage.

That said, I acknowledge that I probably didn't need to say it.

@CharlotteBog I understand why you did it, but her answer put you on the same square you were before.
She doesn't want to hear you had had enough and you don't want to be in the middle. I'm pretty rubbish with nice word myself but for your reply something in the lines: Thanks for understand that it wasn't my intention to hurt you, seems like both of us are having a tough time. I'm looking forward to meet you at (the event). See you there, love/all the best etc.
Someone with better prose will word it much better than me.

This is what I'll do of sorts. And I will not reply to anything further for at least a week.

Gosh, it's a difficult relationship.

Reply in - she says it's a great idea to meet on the day of our already planned thing. I said I'd try and meet earlier so we can have a bite to eat.

I can draw a line under this for now.

Thanks for the advice.