Is it possible to love a partner although they're very selfish?

[Nylla]

Is it possible to love a partner although they're very selfish?

My husband has acted very selfishly in different ways. After posting about him on here, I've realised from people's responses how selfish he is (I sometimes thought it could just be my perception of it).

Sometimes I feel really shocked at his attitude and I struggle to process it. At other times I feel I love him (I care about him, don't want him to suffer, I'd miss him if left).

I realise that everyone is capable of being selfish at times, to different degrees depending on the person. But I never thought I'd love someone who could act very selfishly. He didn't act selfishly at the start - I thought he was the best thing ever back then. He can still be charming, fun, affectionate etc.

Nope. Selfishness is a shit trait.

You can love them but recognise there are traits that are not compatible with your beliefs.

You may love him but is he right for you?

At first yes.

But it very quickly gets tedious and resentment steps in

You will find that the more selfishness you tolerate, the more your sense of self is eroded. You have probably become more We/Us than I/Me. The more you tolerate the more he will expect until you are no longer a person but a service provider.

no, you love the person you are kidding yourself he is, not the person he actually is

Sometimes we overvalue love. I know that sounds cynical, but we romanticise it and idealise it, and expect it to be transformative or to get us through anything.

And some people's versions of love ain't worth shit.

I think you can get hung up on words and think "but he loves me" and somehow think that resolves something - and it can even be true, (within the limits of their capability for love) but still not good enough.

Eg. my ex loved me (and I do believe he did) but he kept on hurting me very deeply with his behaviour. So much so that he killed our relationship. He was distraught when I ended it, but he wouldn't have changed, he'd demonstrated that before.

Like I said, some people's love isn't worth shit.

Ask yourself and answer truthfully without making excuses:
Do I like him ? Do I get my needs met? Can he do things he doesn't feel like doing just to make you happy? Does he compromise?

What does he do that builds you up? Is he interested in you? Does he listen to you? Does he encourage you about your work? Does he motivate you when you are discouraged?

Does he like your friends and family? Does he get angry when you disagree? Does he respect your opinion? Can he take no for an answer?

The answers should tell you what you need to know.