My husband had an affair but I don't know if I can afford to leave

[SarahCasse67]

I have two young children and found out last month he had a 3 month affairs, hotels and sex. He's begging for me to give him another chance, it was a huge mistake etc.

I don't know what to do. I feel so betrayed and hurt. I feel terrible for my kids if I don't try, and to be honest I don't know how I can afford to pay all of the bills and rent alone. It will be really tight.

Is there any help for single mums I could apply for? Feel so stuck

-if you're married you'll be entitled to shared assets when you divorce, are there any?
-unless you have 50/50 custody he will owe you maintenance. What arrangements do you think you would come to, is 50/50 something he's likely to go for, and how much does he earn?
-do you work? Unless you are on a high income or have savings over several thousand you will be entitled to Universal Credit, including help towards rent.
I know it's easy to say as an outsider but I wouldn't stay in this relationship, it sounds awful.

We aren't married @Leafalotta , he would probably have the kids about 3 nights a week.

I do have a job, I earn about £2500 a month.

Thank you for the advise x

@Leafalotta I referred to him as husband because we were engaged and I saw our relationship as more of a marriage. Boyfriend dosent seem the right word to describe the long term relationship with children when describing the situation. Should've been clearer sorry

You’re not married and do not own a property, so there hopefully isn’t much to untangle.

Use the entitledto website to work out how much help you’d receive with rent and childcare.

Do you have a local support system- family/friends?

I'm sorry he has done this to you. You can choose to stay or go, but do not consider yourself stuck. That mindset stops you seeing the options available to you.

do you really really think he will have the children 3 times a week ?

that would mean having them morning, noon and night, if they go to school or nursery he would have to take them and pick them up, he would need to stay in during the evening ( so no dating on these nights/no social life for him for almost half a week ) he would need to feed them 3 meals a day, bath them, wash their hair, wash their clothes play with them read to them etc etc

Three affairs isn't a mistake, OP.

I'd have a look at the entitledto online calculator and work out what top-ups you might get as a lone parent. Also there's a child maintenance calculator that will give an idea of what he might be expected to contribute.

Even if you decide to stay with him, it's good to have the facts.

You do not have decide now or any time soon if you want to continue the relationship. Don't be rushed into saying you will try to get through it (and even if you do say you will, you don't have to stick to it, it's OK to change your mind).

It can be tempting to try to set things back as they were, to try and stop the pain, but while there's relief at the time, it can rot away underneath.

Is it a 3 month affair, not 3 affairs?

Well if you do decide to stay with him get married immediately so you have financial protection should he do it again (likely).

Any affair shows he has no respect for you and doesn't love you. Over 3 months just think how many lies he must have told you and how many betrayals. Time and energy he should have given to you and his DC he gave away to a random person. How much money did he spend trying to impress her? I'd not want him after that behaviour. If you're not married it will be a lot easier to separate. No expensive divorce to go through. Do you own half the house? If so could you buy him out and pay the mortgage? If not can he buy you out and you rent somewhere for now. Unless you've got savings you'd get UC and unless he did 50/50 full care he'd have to pay some maintenance too. If you just accept his affair he'll have no respect for you and do it again. Go and get a STI test too. You would probably manage a lot better than you think.

Why would you say that?

I have mine 50/50 with ex-wife, ok, mine are older but I have to do all the stuff like buy clothes, wash, housework, cook, take to clubs etc...

Ok you’re not married and you don’t own, you just need to rent according to your means, claim whatever you are entitled to benefit wise, and calculate child maintenance, there are calculators and entitled to on line.

Depends if he has crossed the line - for some people a kiss with someone else is enough to leave, for others a 6 month affair can be recoverable. Neither is right or wrong - it depends on your views and what you both want (i.e. if he is not willing to address behaviour and work on it, it will fail).

You will have to make that call to forgive, and be happy that he will not do it again. Only you can decide that.

It's not a mistake. A one night stand might be a mistake. Something that you do repeatedly for 3 months is not a mistake. His mistake was getting found out.

He made a mistake good lord a mistake is sending the wrong email getting the milk not sleeping around for 3 months.
Even one night stands are not mistakes he knew what he was doing just upset that you found out.
Sorry op but if it all worked out you will never trust him like you did.
And TBH do you want to feel second best for your partner i know i wouldnt.
Spending the rest of your life wondering will he do it again.
Would he have told you if you didnt find out NO he would still be doing it.
Id be finding somewhere else for me and the kids straight to the housing office and he can piss of to the slut hes been banging for the past 3 months.
Only contact would be to see the kids made by a trusted friend so i didnt have to see him.
you will hurt your be angry but you will come through it.
Their both home wreckers.
Sorry to be blunt.

@SarahCasse67

' I saw our relationship as more of a marriage.'

clearly he didn't tho, and he obiv knows how much easier it is to end a relationship when it's not a marriage.

Yeah, call the woman names 🙄.

She isn’t the one who was in a relationship with OP. Was perhaps lied to as well.