Relationship and potential cancer diagnosis

[acpk55]

Hello,
I’m male (54) & looking a looking for some insight / feedback, possibly from people who have been through this.
I have recently had a potential cancer diagnosis after a high PSA test and internal prostate exam, now awaiting referral etc

i have been seeing someone (female), for about a year now and her response has been a bit strange, I have had good support from family, but my partner has been a bit strange since my diagnosis, her contact has dropped off & she has cancelled our weekend plans for the next 2 weeks saying she has to work ( which could well be true), but seems quite coincidental

so just looking for someone feedback from anyone who may have had a male partner/ husband with a potential cancer diagnosis ,, do you suddenly feel differently about them - or avoid them? Or am I just expecting too much for her to at least support me ?

I’m not someone with experience of this. But you are in the stage of worrying and this could potentially be something or might not be. What support do you want? What do you want her to do?

I’m sorry to hear about your test results, this must be a very worrying time.

Unfortunately I do have experience of a cancer diagnosis with my partner of six years. He went on to pass away (brain cancer). The diagnosis shocked and upset me but I was there for him every step of the way which meant a lot to him. He was my priority.

Perhaps this is her way of dealing with difficult news?

I am so sorry you are going through this I really feel for you. I have been in a similar position to yourself and was diagnosed with cancer last year at age 33, that process of diagnosis is awful, the waiting to hear is the worst and every emotion I had was heightened so little things at work and in my relationship were bugging me. The waiting for each scan, each test, each op/treatment date made me a little crazy but what it did do for me after time is give me perspective on life and that has been invaluable.

I got a bit paranoid about my partner because I am younger than him and I felt he wouldn't want to be with me if I lost my hair, or ended up with ugly scars and he just had to care for me. I think alot of what he did/said I over analysed and over thought everything but in some ways he was more scared than I was and just didnt always verbalise it in the right way. All you can do is talk to them, explain your feelings and thoughts, it might be that they have no idea how to act or what this means for your relationship and maybe have previous experiences that make them withdraw. A cancer diagnosis unfortunately affects so many people around you as well as yourself.

I hope your medical situation resolves, OP. That's certainly not easy to deal with and I wish you strength and a good outcome.
I don't think it's unreasonable to want support and comfort from a partner.
But some people cannot handle illness, their own, or that of those around them. There are people who can't tolerate visiting anyone in hospital, for example. Some people go into denial about their own health because they can't bear to think about illness.

Your partner may be one of these people. It's difficult to advise on how to handle this in your relationship. It might be possible to work with her around this particular situation, especially if the results turn out to be benign, but what about the next time either one of you has a health issue?

My feeling would be that she may only be looking for something light and fun. And be cautious of ending up in a caregiver role.

Its possible she's done the whole underappreciated wife and mother thing before or had to run after elderly parents and now she's in her fifties she's just sooooo done with that and/or doesn't want more...work.

It doesn't mean she doesn't care necessarily. Just that she's decided from now on she's going to prioritise herself. And that's fair enough.

Has she ever mentioned remarriage? Does her idea for her future look similar to yours? Have those chats and find out if you're on the same page. It may be she's backing away tbf. But it would be nice if she could ve honest about it.

Good luck with your health issues op x

So sorry about the potential cancer diagnosis and that your partner hasn't been there for you. We are the other way round and my DH has been amazing but many relationships do end with a cancer diagnosis sadly.

I would just try and talk to her initially and try and get her to be honest. I am glad you have good support from elsewhere and if the relationship is over there are plenty of wonderful people out there who are there for you.

Getting a cancer diagnosis really let's you know who cares for you and who doesn't. Which friends will rally round, and who don't. For better or worse, you also get to find out how much your partners care for you. Given who I've dated in the past 10 years, I'm glad to be single, and dealing with it. I was busy working and parenting though, so didn't need more really.
I've recently seen friends and family far more than previously, which is nice, should be how it goes.
Now we come to your GF (DPs, I'd class as living together). You have seen less of her since you told her. I'm not buying coincidence, the caring norm would be to see someone more, or at least maintain contact. You might have to consider if she is a person to rely on and help you through this or not?
It's shit to find out that someone you thought would be there for you isn't, but hopefully, having bigger challenges in life, will make the idea of a serious talk with her less of a big deal to face in comparison. You only find out where she is at by asking, it takes balls to go there, but not as big as the ones you'll need to deal with maybe in future. It's all relative, there's nothing of a bigger challenge than your own mortality, so find out where she is at. If it turns out she's not in as deep as you'd hoped, it might be better to cut her lose, you only want people who genuinely care to be around at times like this.

I’m sorry to hear about your health issues OP. I think statistically many more men leave women who are ill rather than women leaving men. But it does happen.

Thank you all for the considerate comments

@Pinkbonbon i think you have hit the nail on the head there, so thank you, so far everything has been light and fun, we have not really talked about anything beyond a few months in the future, I know she was a care giver for her mother before she passed, ( as I am actually) & her older child is autistic and neededs extra support.

I don’t (didn’t) think Remarriage is something on the horizon for either of us really ATM.

Hopefully you are well on the road the recovery

The hardest but sensible and realistic way forward would be to give her the option of walking away and if she doesn't want to then ask her to make time for a conversation. You need to focus on your health, not worrying about whether your partner is going to cut and run.

She's backing away, so sadly I think you have to let her.

I hope things go well for you. It must be a very scary time, so rely on those that you know can and will support you.

She’s really letting you down, I’m sorry @acpk55 She obviously will have her own reasons for this but I think you need considerate and consistent people around you now.

Give her a week or so then have an honest chat. You can’t be dealing with an inconsistent and uncaring person now.

I send you warmest wishes for your health.