Relationship advice needed please....

[SandLmum]

Hi Guys,

This is my first time of posting on this forum but do read reguarly...

I really dont know where to start and this will be a long one so apologies!

I've been with my husband for 4 years and we have nearly 3 year old Twins together, he has two children (10 &14) from a previous relationship who we have for half of the week.

Pre-Children we had a really good relationship and were friends before getting together, he is also 14 years older than me.

I understand completely the pressure of having young children have on a relationship but I honestly dont feel like I can carry on living my life as I am anymore.

Our sex life is non existent as my husband literally doesnt want to touch me or get intimate in any way and since the boys were born we have had sex 20 times if that... I have asked him soo many times what is wrong and he says that hes tired or nothing is wrong. We never kiss bar the odd peck on the lips when he goes to and gets back from work and his obligratory 3 kisses when we are in bed before he rolls over to the other side of the bed.

Everyone thinks we have this great relationship but they dont know at all what he is like at home. He doesnt help me out at all, I work part time, look after our children, the house and also his children 3 nights a week and weekends when they are here- but hes too busy or tired because of work and gets into a vile mood if I ask him to help out, even by doing one job.

I see the way he looks at me and know things arent right, he snaps at me and often takes the piss out of me. We barely talk in the evening and he never wants to go out just 'us', there is always a reason or excuse not to if I suggest it.

We got married last summer, stupid and nieve I know but I honestly though things would change but if anything its got worse...

It all came to a head two weeks ago when I told him that I couldnt live my life like this anymore, that I expected more, wanted to be treated nicely and have a chance to be with someone who loves me and shows me so and couldnt carry on in what seems like a loveless marriage. Sometimes he can be lovely and give me a hug etc but bar that he is soo distant from me.

I told him how he pushes me away, is rude to me and how lonely I felt. He shocked me by saying he knew he has been horrible to me, pushed me away and done all this but once it had started he couldnt stop doing it. He said whenever he has been nice to a woman before hes always ended up hurt so he wanted to do to someone else what have been done to him before(that person being me!). He says hes truely sorry and loves me, I'm special and doesnt want to lose me or the children.

In the last two weeks hes done nothing to change, hes been quiet and unresponsive. Not talking to me much or being really grumpy then randomly thinking hes being romantic by honking my boobs or trying to kiss me and thinks that is what it takes to have a normal relationship!

He doesnt understand how hurt,upset and confussed I am and thinks everything is ok now we have had the chat. I told him the other day that I couldnt suddenly act like everything was perfect and he told me, he was trying his best and it was my fault it wasnt ok now and that I was pushing him away - I'm not tho.

I really dont think he understands how serious I am and am even looking to see how I could/would go about being a single parent. He thinks everything is ok and that I've just had a moan at him and hes placified him but I am still not happy and he is still as unresponsive as ever, laughing at me to his children in front of me and still not being very kind to me either.

My family and close friends are being very kind and supportive about this as have confided in them but dont want to tell me what to do with my life but really could do with some guidance - thats where you guys come in...

What would you do if in this situation. I've asked him to go to the drs or relate and hes refused so not really sure what to do next and dont want to be the bad person who wrecks the family unit....

Thanks if you have got this far......

could he be depressed about something? it sounds like such a turn around from the man he used to be ?

I've asked him several times if he is depressed or is there something wrong at work etc but he constantly says not.

He enjoys his work and the people he works with and says he has nothing to be depressed about, I've asked him on numerous occassions to go see the doc to chat about our situation and he wont...

It just feels like we've been together longer like this than we were every happy for...

would he consider relate or some other form of counselling?

Firstly you are not being the bad person who wrecks the family unit as you are the one who is trying to make things better for the whole family by talking to him.

Secondly Relate doesn't only deal in couples it will see you by yourself as well, as much as I don't think you are the one with the problem it might help you to discuss the situation with someone more qualified and disassocaited with it, they may be able to teach you techniques to help you discuss things with your husband.

good luck.

No, no, no. It is certainly not your fault that the relationship is not fixed because he has honked your boobs. And to say that he knows he's been vile but can't stop ... that is mental cruelty. I feel so sad for you.
In your position, I think I would pick up and go to my mum's. From there, you have the high ground. If he wants you back he will agree to go to Relate.

I agree with littelwoman - He obviously doesn't realise how close you are to walking away.
You say he has refused to speak to anyone like relate, but maybe if he sees that he must do that or you will leave it may put a different perspective on things for him.
You really must tell him how serious this is for you.

Find out your rights, get all the forms, fill them out, have your plan to go sorted and able to set in motion and then tell him that if he doesn't start taking you seriously and trying to make things work, then he WILL lose you, then tell him the exact date that you will be moving out.

Then see how it goes, how he reacts, what he does, and if he still does nothing, move out and move on with your life cos he will not change.

Things got worse after the wedding because he'd discovered he could treat you badly and you'd still marry him.

When you say you were friends before, how did you actually get together? Did you drift into it or did he make the first move? How did you end up getting married? Was it your idea or his idea?

Now you've made your speech about wanting/deserving more, you have GOT to do something or he'll see you as even more of a doormat than he does now. It's really bad that he told you he knows he's treating you badly. Don't believe that waa-waa-waa "I've been nice to girls before but they shat on me so to keep the one woman I've ever loved I'll be mean to her" tosh. If he was scared of losing you, he wouldn't risk being nasty.

What he's really telling you is that he's got no self-esteem. He can only be keen on women who treat him horrifically because he loses respect for people who like him. I'd guess he teases you in front of his kids because their Mum left him. Kicking you makes him feel he looks like The Man again in their eyes.

I'd go and see a solicitor to find out your rights regarding the house, custody, etc. Then ask him when would be a good time to talk about splitting up. He will backpedal wildly at this point but you must stand firm. Suggest a trial separation and GO THROUGH WITH IT. It'll be a huge hassle but not as much as you think.

I'd bet my life that he'll crumble like a sandcastle at the first sign of your really having had enough. Talking to him won't make him realise you're unhappy, because you're still in the house. Men don't listen to your words, they look at where your feet are standing.

Sorry this reads so harshly. My heart does go out to you. What a nightmare. But you know, you're going to have so much more energy and confidence as soon as you start this process. Honestly, honestly.

Don't move out before getting legal advice. It might affect who gets the house if you divorce. Much better for him to leave, especially since you are the kids' main carer.

'When would be a good time to talk about splitting up'. I'm sorry, I know it's not funny, but you do make me laugh Beautiful. I can imagine the reaction that would get. 'Reverse! Reverse!'

Hope these ladies have given you some confidence,SandLmum. You deserve so very much more.

Reading your OP, it sounds like he changed after your conversation, just not in the way you wanted? Have I got that right?

It sounds like he realises he has a problem, or at least that his previous behaviour was bad. But changing behaviour is difficult, and doesn't happen overnight.

It doesn't sound like a good situation for you, and it's understandable that you want out - but maybe, with the help of Relate (or individual counselling?) he might be able to change in a way that works better for you, or Relate might help you work out a better way of treating each other.

Thanks for all your kind and honest words guys...

Beautiful - you made me laugh lots but also about how true your words speak!

We met at work (how much of a cliche!)and it just kinda went from there really...

His best friend got married in June 2006 and he was best man got really drunk at the wedding and at the end he grabbed me by the throat, he swore he couldnt remember anything about it and came home the next morning, I was going to leave but was scared and he talked me into staying. Hes never hit me again or anything like that but it just seems to be on my mind all the time now (none of my family or friends know this - just those who were at wedding at the end)

He then started talking seriously about us getting married and we planned it and went for it last summer.

I just dont know where to turn or how to find out what I am entitled to... I've got a quote from tax credits to go it alone but dont know how much housing benefit or council tax help I would get.

I earn approx £10,500 per annum and on my council calculator it says I would get £130 per week housing help - is this figure honestly accurate as thought it would be alot less than this?!?! If that is the case then I would be able to go...

I dont want the house or anything from him bar my stuff and my children, am even worried about leaving him and him not being able to afford to stay where he lives because of losing my income and dont want to screw his life up.

So do I go along to relate on my own? or tell him he needs to come with me? or do I just tell him how unhappy I am and want a trial separation? I just dont know what to do am soo confussed....

I know this may sound like a weird question, but what was your dh's parent's relationship like?

I honestly dont know what their relationship ws like...

His parents are split up. His mum had an affair with his dads friend and they are now married. His dad is also re-married and lives up north so dont know what their said relationships are like...

Can you say to him that you feel that his lack of intimate behaviour is actually causing you to question the relationship? And that the 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen' approach to relationships may work for a while with teenagers, but is not the recipe for a happy marriage and a happy family life.

I asked the question above, because my dh believes (and is probably correct) that I have problems with being intimate and trusting in a relationship and I used to frequently consider walking away from the relationship because it seemed like so much hard work and I was scared to death of trusting ANYONE. I don't always really know why dh stays with me (and i have tried very hard to curb my destructive behaviour, especially since I now have ds, but part of what has helped is looking at the problems that I have brought into the relationship that are a result of participating in my parents deeply dysfunctional relationship as I was growing up and learning how people should behave - father= alcoholic, mother=classic enabler/suffering chronic depression. Sibling and me = deep rooted inability to trust our own instincts about people.) Wow, reading that I REALLY don't know why dh has put up with me!
If I am completely off the mark then I don't have any good advice. If there could be an element of baggage involved in his behaviour then I think that you should find a way to be relatively non-confrontational, but decisive and tell him that if he wants to have a grown up relationship based on mutual respect, trust and intimacy then he should consider going to relate or counselling together, otherwise you think that the relationship may have run its course.

Ring the Council to find out how much you'd be entitled to. Are you sure you don't want the house, though? Does he own it?

Don't bother dragging him to Relate - if he doesn't want to be there, it'll be about as much use as... as... [insert funny similie here]

Don't worry too much about screwing up his life. If you feel you couldn't leave without feeling you'd done everything you could to save the marriage, then have a trial separation for a few months and try Relate then, when he's in a more pliable mood.

Hmmm a mother who cheats on a father and an inability to trust placing his intimate emotions in the hands of his wife - does it sound to you like there could be a link? He needs counselling... (and I think that you do to)

£10,500 earnings is considered pretty low. I am sure you would be entitled to a lot of help with housing etc. I don't really know what to say about your situation, sorry, but just wanted you to know I am thinking good thoughts for you

He had the house before we got together but its in both our names now since we re-mortgaged... I dont want to stay here tho as would prefer to move a bit nearer to my parents and sister.

He was nearly 30 when his parents split up and was with his previous partner then so not exactly an impressionable child/teenager..... god who knows...

Your right bluebutterfly we prob do both need councelling, do you mean relate or something organised by drs?