Am I being unreasonable

[ok1992]

Hello

Please advice needed.

So back in march I discovered some serious things on my husband's phone to do with cheating - I won't go into the details. I was done after that but I gave him chance to talk and "explain" things. He said he would go counselling, said he would delete everything off his phone and get a new number.

Fast forward to now, I'm still with him, has he done any things he mentioned, no. It's really disappointing.

Now obviously there is no trust there, so I have asked when he goes places to let me know where he is maybe send a picture or just let me know, is this too much to ask for ? I don't want to feel like I'm being controlling but at the same time he broke the trust so if he actually cared surely he would be willing to do what he said he would and everything possible so my mind wouldn't be going crazy as to where he is when he is out?

I'm really torn on this one. Firstly, sorry you're going through this.

I know you've said you won't go into the ins and outs. But, I'm afraid to say we need more context.

Is the affair over? Who ended it? How did it end? Multiple women? One? Over how long? Is it cam girls?

Taken at face value. Yes, it is controlling to ask for pictures to prove where he is when he's out. Although, given what you're going through, I would have expected him to volunteer that information for you.

If you can't trust him, please do yourself a favour and think carefully about how you want this relationship to continue. He's already not following through on what he suggested himself. Where does one lie begin and the other end?

It's hard to explain, because it makes me look very stupid for giving him another chance.

I always believed before being with him the saying once and cheater always a cheater. But the love I have for him seems to make me crazy.

On his phone was a load of videos of him with different women last year and one this year, videos of him cheating basically. And the only reason I looked on his phone was because he is always secretive, so I saw an opportunity when he fell asleep with the screen still on.

No trust = no relationship.

Asking for pictures/proof of where he is every time he is out is controlling, and abusive, I’m sorry OP. Imagine if the rolls were reversed and a man was asking for proof from his wife. People would tell her to leave him.

He doesn’t sound like a nice man if he’s cheated on you previously, and refuses to get counselling for an issue he has.

In my honest opinion, you should leave him. There will never be trust. Life is too short and not worth this stress.

Honestly, even if he consents to sending pics of where he is, if he still wants to cheat he'll find a way.

You need to ask yourself if want to live with this level of anxiety about his cheating for the rest of your life. If it's a no, you need to bit the bullet and leave him.

He's not done the basic things to earn your trust so of course you don't trust him. But you can't have a relationship where you're checking up on him all the time. Either he does the work or you have to pull up your big girl pants and end the relationship.

The man is a serial cheat and he's done nothing to follow through on his promises to make amends or change his ways to give you greater assurance of his faithfulness.

Stop asking for pictures of where he is and step back and look at the bigger picture.

He has utterly disrespected your marriage and you, and done nothing to fix it.

The sad and hard-to-accept truth is that he does not care about you at all (despite the fact that he might say he does when he's at risk of losing the benefits he enjoys from your marriage) and you are disrespecting yourself by continuing to stay with him while hoping against all evidence that he has changed.

Stop asking for photos and start asking for a divorce.

However understandable you asking him for proof of where he is is... it's still abusive and controlling. Don't let yourself be caught in this dynamic. You'll never trust this man...
Please leave him.

Of course you don't trust him, but asking for proof of where he is, is also not good.
However, he should have been bending over backwards to try and make things right. Instead he has done nothing. So what has changed? Nothing. So I'd say it is more than likely he will do it again.

OP you're lowering yourself to his level if you are asking him to provide 'proof'.

You already know he cheated multiple times last year.
He has already failed to do what he promised to do.

Ask yourself, why?

The answers are what you're trying to evade/not believe.

He cheated because he WANTED to.

He did it MULTIPLE times, without a care/thought for you, your relationship, or your physical/emotional wellbeing.

He doesn't value either you, or your relationship above his own selfish 'wants'.

When caught, he only said what he thought you needed to hear in order for him to hang onto his comfy life, but he NEVER had ANY intention of actually doing it!

His words are lies, his promises empty and his heart stone.

He has shown you who, and what he is, BELIEVE it.

It's of course completely fine to ask him for proof, but it makes no difference.

He has continued cheating and he will continue cheating. It's up to you if you can live with that.

Broken trust I don’t think can ever be repaired and your response however understandable is unhealthy. He’s made the relationship toxic, it’s spread to you, you need to leave. I’m not sure how a picture is going to help you anyway as they can be staged.

You have given him a chance he doesn't want. If he wanted it he would made amends. He hasn't.
Now you are on the path to loose yourself and your confidence trying to force him to make the amends he doesn't want to do. Don't fall on this game.