MIL and divorce

[MugginsMcMugface]

Ive recently applied for divorce. Not many people know yet but ive told MIL/FIL. ExDH is avoiding them atm. The couple of occasions ive spoken to mil although shes aware of the fact ive been unhappy for a while/her son is not putting his family first, issues around alcohol etc, agrees hes been a prat, shes coming across to me questioning “does he agree with this divorce”, “what if he doesn’t sign the agreement“. Almost like, she (doesn’t know the half of what ive had to put up with over the years) knows how much ive been unhappy/lonely etc yet now ive taken control and made a decision to divorce, shes not supportive. I am quite close to them, im probably the only one who visits them multiple times a week out of their own children and their partners, as they help with childcare (after school pick ups). I get she might be struggling to process us splitting up and doesn’t want the change.

i dont want to go into too much detail about the situations hes put me in over the years to them. Womens aid said it was DV/EA. Mil has a tendency to tell everyone behind my back what ive said and tbh i dont want that. Atm she thinks the split is over alcohol/him prioritising nights out with mates over family. I dont want to give her anymore info.

i know she will support him, thats a given but i just thought she would be more supportive of me to say- yes lifes too short for feeling unhappy etc, youre doing the right thing. Im wondering as well if shes got the old mindset of your married, you stay married for life and put up and shut up. Sorry just ranting. I dont have parents of my own still alive

Her thoughts are irrelevant, soon you'll never need to see her ever again. Her son can arrange for her to see the kids when they're having contact with him.
When your kids are adults, would you be supportive of their exes?

I can understand that as you don't have your own parents around any more, you would like her to be a supportive parent figure. But I am afraid that isn't realistic. Your soon-to-be-ex is her son and she is always going to pick his side and support him first and foremost. Soon your life will have moved on and she won't be part of it. It doesn't really matter what she thinks.

Yes, I am being supportive to both my DD and her ex at the moment . My own late MIL was my dearly loved friend and tremendously supportive to me after I left her DS. I miss her every day still. It is possible to continue a relationship , but clearly depends on the people involved.

Huge sympathy and empathy. When my h had an affair my MIL was very supportive as really wanted us to stay together of course. Now that I'm really leaving she hasn't been that great. Will listen but doesn't say anything! Of course she supports him as he's her son but he's a shit who has behaved badly and if it was my son he'd get a kick up the arse.

Use her for childcare and so the kids can see her but I'd say I'm not discussing it, it's not just drink and nights out but I don't want my business treated as gossip.

My experience too.
StBXh had an affair, broke my heart. MIL who I was very close to initially gave the whole "you will always be part of my family" BS...

Now she's bombed me off saying she loves her son and needs to be part of his new set up and how pleased she is that he is happy now.

This will probably sting, but don't expect too much... blood is thicker than water and your MIL will most likely stick up for her son (regardless of how badly he may have treated you).

You won't just divorce him, you will.likely divorce from.his family and at least some of your mutual friends.

Wishing you all the best

Be careful.. MIL although may agree with his behaviour being unacceptable will drop you like a brick for her son. Been there, she did a complete 180 on me the minute I left my ExH.

Well if thats the case they are all welcome to each other. Ill step away quietly. All their adult children have issues with alcohol and barely see them/visit them.

shes been making me feel bad with her questioning almost like my reasons are not enough iykwim! I wont divulge more to her but when ive opened up to a couple of friends (before i decided on divorce) their reactions of how ive been treated/what ive put up with are of horror and encouragement to leave. Same info as ive given to mil.

MIL is probably just really worried that your STBX will become her burden, but also probably just really sad about your divorce and knows that left to him, she will not have the same close relationship that you foster between her and the kids.

As much as I still consider SIL family even though she's divorcing my BIL, she cut us all off because she needed to distance herself to heal - I get that and wish her well and would like to hope that in time she gets in touch again, but she probably won't as they didn't end amicably and at the end of the day, he's DH's family and will be there at all the family events and get family support when he needs it.

But your relationship with MIL will be different, no matter how close you are. It'll be rocky at first and might settle, or it might never settle... people can be odd when it comes to feeling like they need to take a side.

@MugginsMcMugface , perhaps your MIL is hoping you’ll change your mind, perhaps she’s worried about seeing her grandchildren. Why don’t you have a chat with her?

It's hard when you don't have parents of your own to go to during times like this, but I wouldn't expect emotional support from my MIL if me and DH split. Maybe a 'sorry it didn't work out' or some sort of acknowledgement, but not 'lifes too short to be unhappy, you did the right thing's etc.

And as you say, among some generations and communities getting divorced was just not the done thing. Its seen as bad, a loss, not something to be happy about - so they'd struggle to see any positives if that makes sense.

I’ve reassured her that nothing will change with her seeing grandchild. Id like to still keep in touch with them and even to be amicable with exDH in time. Ive been with exDH for 20 years

yes it might be the impending upheaval of exDH and getting him back on his feet that they are worried about and dont want to have to help with. He becomes their problem and no doubt will go off the rails a bit 🥺

I think you’re being unreasonable to be honest. No one wants to see people they love, a dil, their ds or gc go through the pain of a divorce. If you’re close she’s probably also worried about losing you.
her questions also don’t sound like she’s talking you out of it, more like she’s concerned about further conflict eg what happens if he refuses to sign.
even if she is trying to talk you out of it, or will support him i think that’s understandable when she doesn’t even know half the story. I’m sure (I’d hope) her reaction would be very different if you explained the abuse. I understand you don’t want to and that’s fine, but she can’t react appropriately if she doesn’t know, so I think you have to give her a bit of a pass.

regardless her opinion doesn’t actually matter, so try not to worry about it too much, just focus on the things you can control.

I also think you're being a bit unreasonable - she isn't privy to a lot of the information or circumstances surrounding your decision, but you are judging her for not being fully on board. It's hard for her - she loves her son, knows he is at fault, but he's her son. As much as she cares for you and might privately think you are right, it's a big ask for her to publicly support a divorce if her son is unhappy about it or suffering.

I don't like the tone of pp saying to use her for childcare - she doesn't sound like a terrible person, even if she's an over sharer of other people's business. When the dust settles, you might still find that she's kind and largely supportive of you. I probably would expect conflicted feelings while this is still new.

Im trying not to discuss any of it with her tbh. Shes the one who keeps bringing it up. I just keep saying it will go through whether he accepts it or not. I dont need to ask permission to end a relationship im not happy in (in a nice way) and things will be ok and work out fine. Im not using her for childcare. I have enough money to book child into after school club. They offer to help and child loves going round and jumps at the chance to spend time with them. Its a lovely close relationship they have atm.

She just seems very sad. Im not sad. Im very happy and it feels now its in process, a weight has been lifted. Shes 70 and always been with his dad since age 16. Shes almost in shock that im an independent female, have enough money to live on and have said ive had enough of his behaviour. Perhaps its her ingrained beliefs (although other people in the family have divorced etc). Shes draining me and i get the impression she wants me to say, you know what, im wrong to divorce, im going to push those feelings down and carry on in this relationship so it keeps everyone else happy but me 😮‍💨

Mil/fil are both lovely people usually btw.

She is his mother. full stop.

Book the children into after school club etc.

She can see the grandchildren on the days he has access to them.
Not on your days.

As you are divorcing her son, for whatever reason/s, you can cut back on contact with her.

Just to add, there has been DV/EA in their relationship, when i got with exDH they would have blazing rows (no violence). They’ve chilled out in old age. But maybe thats why she thinks i should put up and shut up idk

Regardless of your updates, It just doesn’t seem realistic at all to expect his mother to be happy for you that you’re divorcing her son. Of course she is sad, remember that you’ve had a lot more time to come to terms with this than she has.
Not to mention that she only has half the story. Why would she be happy you’re walking away from your marriage instead of working on it, when she doesn’t know how beyond repair it is.

If she’s draining you, see her less. Or just directly ask her to stop discussing it with you.

@MugginsMcMugface congratulations on the impending divorce!

id be querying what their life was like when the children where younger - especially if your xDH and all his siblings have significant problems with alcohol. The ILs might be mellowed now but maybe they are the reason their children have issues.

That aside - I think it’s just a case of telling her on repeat ‘the divorce is happening one way or another and I don’t want to keep rehashing this conversation’. That or just tell her politely but firmly you don’t wish to discuss this ‘again’.

You leaving might make her question why she stayed and will definitely cause her to worry about her son more. People are selfish, she feels better knowing you’re there looking after him. It’s no reflection on how she feels about you I don’t think.

She hasn't actually said you should put up and shut up though, you're inferring this from her lack of enthusiasm.

Tell her you'd rather not talk about it if she wants to bring it up with you again. Put your daughter into childcare and let her dad manage visits with his mum.

But really I don't think you can expect her to be happy for you. Of course she is sad, a big change is coming and she's probably feeling a lot of different things.

It sounds like you want validation from her but you don't need it. It's his mum. Lean into your friends, and don't engage with her about the divorce - detach and distance.

Thanks all, youre all giving great advice. Its time for me to pull back a bit from them i think x