Am I the problem?

[The4family]

I have been with my husband for 13 years and married 1. We have 2 boys together, 7 and 4.

My husbands jobs has always come first and we have moved house 5 times because of it. I therefore have had jobs here and there but not ones worthy as a career. We had children and they became me sole purpose but the last couple of years I have gone to uni and now a social worker.

My husband has had a massive career change in the last 2 years which means that he leaves home at 2:30-3am Monday to Friday and regularly gets home at 2-3pm. My job is very stressful, I have a number of cases and feel that I am not only organising my life but am organising others which I love and wouldn’t change. This means that I do the morning routines with my children, up, breakfast, lunch bags, dressed, take to school etc. and my husband generally does most of the pick ups. I organise there after school clubs, childminders etc and have to tell husband each day what time they need picked up because he doesn’t remember. This is all fine, I am happy to do this, it does get frustrating sometimes when I am dealing with a difficult case and I get a text asking but in the grand scheme of things, this is ok. When husband messages to say he can’t get children because he is running late, I always organise childcare for our children which can be difficult when I am being inundated with phone calls from my cases and attending back to back meetings but again, this is fine.

Because my husband is doing most of the school pick ups due to finishing early and me finishing at 5:30 but sometimes later if something props up, my husband cooks most of the dinners. I always arrive home just in time for dinner, I can tell that my husband is tired but we don’t get time to talk because the boys are talking about their day at school or arguing with one another so they take up all our time. As soon as dinner is finished, my husband is up and cleaning whereas I prefer to spend time with our children playing and talking before the bed time routine of bath, story and bed starts. I also need to be able to decompress from my day at work and just immerse myself into my life where I feel most safe and happy. Sometimes at work, the difficult cases are hard and I just want to sit back and appreciate the life that I have. My husband has never been good at being able to relax and although he has not said to me that he wants me to help, I can feel that he is frustrated with me. I have approached the subject many times, offering to clean up once the children are in bed but he always says ‘I’ll just do it now’.

The atmosphere at home is unpleasant and awkward and I now am starting to anxious, uncomfortable and demotivated to try and resolve this.

What doesn’t help is that my husband goes to bed at 8pm (completely understandable!) so during the week we have no time together to talk which is incredibly unhelpful.

I have been quite factual with this thread and not looking for any hate on my part or my husbands. My husband is a brilliant father and ensures that we all have everything we need. I’m very lucky to have him, just looking for advise on how we can communicate and get past this.

I'd say his 12 hr days 5 x week are too much for him, and he is tired and struggling to manage. I know I would not be able to sustain those hours plus family life for long. I don't think either of you are doing anything wrong.

God he must be absolutely exhausted.
Neither of you are at fault I think. Tbh it's different styles - I'm like your DH, I have to square up the kitchen before I relax. I cannot chill if I know it still needs doing.

Was just about to comment the exact same @OrlandointheWilderness

We never go and chill out in front of the TV until the dishes are done, kitchen is wiped down and the house is (relatively!) tidy. Neither of us could relax otherwise.

He sounds like a good husband and obviously hard working but I think something is going to have to give here. Can either of you cut back your hours? Or could he change his shift pattern? Or possibly hire some help if you can afford it? Keeping this up long term just isn't sustainable if you're never getting to spend any time together and are tired and irritable when you actually do see each other...

Tricky. Have you framed it nicely as in, you must be exhausted, thank you for making dinner, please have some chill out time now whilst I get to spend time with the kids and do the bedtime routine and I'll clear up once you're in bed?

Point out that this is the only way you'll get to spend time with the children in the week as the morning routine is just hectic and pressured, also point out he needs some downtime too and has already spent the time with dc after school and done dinner so you want him to be able to take the couple of hours between dinner and bed for himself and claim you find it relaxing to clear up and do the dishes once everyone is in bed and then have your bit of alone time too.

Your DH works horrendous hours with an awful shift pattern. He is virtually doing 5 nights a week. He obviously did himself no favours at all when he changed career. I'm at a loss as to what career type job would start at 2 am, that sounds more like unskilled hours tbf.
Meanwhile you have gone from ad hoc jobs around school hous to a SW career. Well done you, but with that comes increased financial contributory ability on your part, so it makes sense now that he should be able to change his hours, by either doing less in the same job, or look for a different job with better hours.
Perhaps sit down with him on a weekend and discuss ways that you could alter your working hours to suit family life better. Perhaps he could drop to 4 shifts a week now that you are earning a decent wage too? I get that his hours fit in nicely with school pick-ups, and having dinner on the table, but it's keeping your roles separate rather than joint.

My husband is a lorry driver and he had one previously where he was away Monday to Friday so this one is much better in terms of us actually seeing him and the children seeing him. Lorry driver jobs do tend to be long hours and it’s either he starts work at 8am, so sees the children for 1 hour in the morning (which is hectic) and finished at 6, so sees the children for an hour before bed (which again is hectic) so it seemed like the right choice for him to do the hours he’s doing now. There’s no way of him changing those hours, they are what they are.

My husband earns more than me so him cutting back hours isn’t something we can do right now, and I’ve just started my career so it isn’t something I can do right now. My job is flexible in terms of hours etc but I tend to work my hours around the children if I can - it isn’t always a given.

My husband has never been a very good communicator whereas I communicate all the time. I’m trying to find ways for him to talk to me without it ending in us snapping at one another. I’ve even purchased him a trip to do on his own which has been on his bucket list as a way of giving him some time to himself, to reflect and do something just for him as he’s always put us first.

I don’t know, I really don’t know how to make home life easier on him without it being a detriment to me. Worried that he just doesn’t care or love me as much as he once did.

Yeah it does need to work for you too. I'd emphasise that it's the slot that you can spend with the children and means you can do bedtime and all he has to do is accept that the cleaning up will be done when it suits you. It's really no skin off of his nose other than getting over it not being done the way he wants it done ie. straight away.

If you've explained all this I don't see what else you can do. You can just acquiesce meaning it doesn't work for you and you don't get that time with the kids. You're giving him that time and he is choosing not to take it but to make a point about clearing up should be immediate instead.