DP watching porn but not interested in sex

[youuuin]

DP and I have been together around 2 years, initially we couldn’t keep our hands off each other but things have been a little stale recently, we only have sex about once a week which is much less than before.

We were sat together on the sofa a few nights ago and he opened his laptop and porn was already on the screen, he closed it immediately and I didn’t say anything as I honestly didn’t really care at first. But then it made me wonder if this is the reason we haven’t been having as much sex lately.

So I looked at his history on his laptop and it isn’t extensive by any means, but he does look at it most days for a short time. I don’t mind partners watching porn but I just feel a bit deflated as a lot of the times he’s watching it I’m in the house, so he could very easily initiate something with me instead but chooses not to.

He still makes comments and touches me in ways that make me think he’s attracted to me, but when I initiate sex I get politely brushed off a lot of the time. Like I said, I don’t mind porn but I’m worried it’s affecting our relationship and the way he views sex.

Does anyone have any experience with this? If we have a conversation is it likely to change, or is this the beginning of a porn addiction (which I quite frankly have no time for and will not stick around to deal with)?

My ex husband was like this. He refused to talk about it and told me was totally different to our sex life. Yet when we went on holiday he would want sex a lot more as he wasn't at his laptop. I got pregnant and just put up with it. Definitely one of the reasons (not the only) that he's an ex.

I wouldn't want to be with a partner who watches porn.
His use of it is obviously an issue for you if it makes you feel deflated and you feel he prefers watching porn to having sex with you.
You need to talk to your partner and have an honest discussion about how you are feeling.
Porn addiction, like any other addiction, needs the addict to want to change. No one can make them. If he doesn't want to address his use of porn you can't make him.

It doesn’t bother me that he watches it, but to me porn is something for when I’m not there, not when I’m two rooms away.

I don’t think he’s an addict, but I want to know if I can address the issue before it reaches that level.

I'm no expert in this but I do know that porn use escalates: for a start the type of porn people watch becomes more and more extreme to " satisfy" their need. The porn industry is producing more and more extreme material to cater for this.
I don't know how you think you can control his porn use to a level that is acceptable to you? What on earth is an acceptable level? To me none is the only acceptable level. But if you think you and him can come to some agreement about an acceptable level you are " happy" with then good luck with that. Are you going to police it? Or are you going to trust him to be honest and open about it?

Have you already had any conversations about the decline in your sex life more generally OP? Does he know you're unhappy with the frequency and how do you both handle his rejection of you when you initiate? If he's already aware you're unhappy I think you're ideally placed to just say 'I'd like to fix our sex life, would you be prepared to lay off the porn/masturbation for a while and see if it improves things?' and see how he reacts.

This is a bit extreme, I don’t want to police it but like I have said it’s more the fact that he’s watching it while I’m in the house and knowing that our sex life hasn’t been fireworks lately.

I know that some women aren’t comfortable with their partners watching porn at all, but that isn’t what this post is about.

Thank you, yes I think this will be the best way to approach it. It’s come up a couple of times but we’ve never sat down and had a proper conversation about it - generally it’s been a passing comment and he’ll tell me not to be silly, he loves me etc. I don’t think he knows how much it’s bothering me as our relationship is otherwise very good, we’re still affectionate both verbally and physically, it’s just been the sex side of things lately. Thank you for your advice.

Desensitisation is common for those who look at porn regularly.
Any dysfunctional erectile issues?

If not something you feel you can discuss together perhaps a relationship/sex therapist?

Don't bury your head in the sand on this. It can be resolved if both want to, and your needs are important.

You need to raise it with him. If he recognises it as a problem and agrees to reduce or stop, good. If not, decide if you want to leave.

It may be that he doesn't realise it's affecting you, and he needs a nudge.

I think what I don't understand is how you are aware his use of porn is affecting your sex life but you are still comfortable with him watching it. You just want it reduced to a " safe" level where it doesn't affect you and I don't personally feel there is a safe level. The nature of it means the user escalates the type of material and the frequency of use and the affect on personal relationships escalates.

@Puppuccino that's the problem, he's raising it without her.

This is a road I’ve walked down and I don’t have any answers but I will say this.

He knows there’s a problem, he is choosing to do this because it is convenient or suits his preferences. He is definitely not unaware if he is regularly brushing you off and watching porn while you are in the house.

In a nicest possible way this is not your problem to fix. If you raise it he will say all the right things and things might change for a week or two but fundamentally he will probably be drawn back to porn. He probably prefers it because he is lazy and it’s easy and addictive. He is already showing you this, believe him.

Just make sure you are treating yourself with respect when you are spelling out to him how he should be respecting and loving you.

Good luck OP you deserve better!

he’ll tell me not to be silly - hmmmm. That is to me a massive Red Flag.

You are not being silly at all, and you know it. Men who use this phrase to avoid things they do not want to talk about are not worth being with. It is the first rung on the gaslighting ladder.

This. If he refuses you know he doesn't care about your feelings. 2 years into a relationship he should be all over you not watching porn stars.

Yes me. It tends to get worse rather than better. Once a week becomes one a fortnight, becomes one a month, becomes once every 3 months. The porn gets to meet his sexual needs and he prefers that in the end as it takes less effort.