Separation - How? and What if You Don't Agree?

[RainBeGone90]

We have been together for 10 years and married, no children, jointly own our house.
He has told me that he can now see a future for us without each other-this was a big surprise for me and we are looking at how we try and move forward.
How have people arranged temporary separations whilst trying to improve things? And what has worked best? Is it best to have no contact at all or live separately and talk regularly? How long have people done this for?
We disagree on how to work to resolve issues so it just feels like we're not making any progress, it's so upsetting.

Any shared experience/advice appreciated.

Depends on the person - I think you have to choose whether to work at it or just leave. Does a temp separation work? How long is that, can you talk, can you date - what is the point?

I would look to sit down, get counselling and work out jointly how to get there - be it split or carry on

I was about to ask the same thing. Some people seen to separate but stay in the same house together. I can't see how that would work. Hotel costs would add up, presumably getting a rental as quick as possible makes sense.
With children it is more complex.

Also there is the question whether separation is final, or a trial.

Do both of you want the same thing? If he sees a future where you are not together is that what he really wants?
I assume that is not what you want.

Unless you both actually want to get to same place there is not much point trying, you may as well cut your losses with him & make sure you get your share of everything

Your post is unclear as to whether you want to separate or not. On the one hand, you made it sound like it was a positive thing that he can now see a future without you being together. But you are also referring to the separation being temporary- that’s kind of contradictory. I don’t mean this as criticism but you both need to figure out and be honest about what you actually want.
Is it temporary as in you really want it to be permanent but are trying to soften the blow?
Or is it temporary as in you both genuinely need time to figure out what you want?
I think a temporary separation where one person thinks or wants it to actually be permanent but the other hopes for a reconciliation is a recipe for disaster and someone being badly hurt. Also rules can be unclear. For example will either or both of you be seeing other people? It can also be an excuse for one party to feel they can do as they like and ‘sow their oats’. Trust me, I’ve been there. I got hurt. I wished the person had just been honest and told me they didn’t want to be together and not tried to draw it out and ‘keep their options open’.

He's trying to cop out. A temporary separation will most likely lead to a permanent one, he sounds like he's already moved on emotionally. Is he open to relationship counselling? What does he propose to improve the situation, or is it that what you're hoping to do?

When you say "we disagree on how to work to resolve issues", do you mean that one person thinks you should be in contact more frequently than the other? If that's the case, I think the person suggesting more frequent contact may need to accept that they can't force the other person to communicate with them.

Have you tried counselling?

We split up for 10 months several years ago. He was desperate to save the relationship but I needed time apart. Eventually I realised what a mistake I’d made and I was lucky enough he still felt the same.

What are the relationship issues? That has a big bearing on how to work through a trial separation.
if he’s unable to talk and listen properly and validate your feelings then there may be no hope for the relationship?
do you keep comprising for his lack of emotional investment into the relationship?

Is it best to have no contact at all or live separately and talk regularly? How long have people done this for

I think if you're having to ask questions like this on a forum, you have no relationship. Everyone will have different experiences and give you different answers, but this isn't about 'getting it right', it's about finding a way that's agreeable to you both. Stop looking for 'the answer' and start doing what you want to do.

Temporary separation is usually a kind way of leaving the relationship without hurting the other person so much I think. Letting you down more gently but with no intention of it being temporary.

Personally I don’t think trial separations work when it’s that one or both feels like they don’t want to be together . I just don’t think you should need a break to know , if you need that then you are not with the right people .

I think it’s different when there are problems - eg one cheats and the other doesn’t know if they can forgive , because time apart can help you evaluate if there is enough love left to get past this .