Boyfriend insecurities

[Tiredmamma321]

Me and dp have been together for 5 years he’s always been insecure but recently he’s getting really hard to deal with. For some context i have a ds almost 2, work 2 days a week and spend every other day taking ds on play dates or to classes we have quite a busy life. Dp has started saying now that he doesn’t trust me he thinks I’m hiding stuff (with no previous reason to believe I’d ever cheat) he’s getting jealous of me taking ds out with his friends during the day almost acting as if it’s me out with another man. Yesterdays huff was because I had ds at the park with a friend, missed his first call as I was on the phone then tried calling him back but no answer. I threw the phone in the bag at the park and checked my watch 20 mins later to see 2 missed calls. I called him back and he was sharp and rude down the phone telling me he’d let me go I was clearly busy. Throughout the rest of the day I called him at points to see how he was getting on and he was again short and rushed me off the phone. Then last night said he was too busy to come home at the normal time so he’d just stay in his mums. I asked him what was wrong and he said I don’t have time for him during the day I’m too busy with other people. I’ve told him he needs to go get professional help but he refuses and always puts the blame on me saying it’s my fault he feels like this and I put these ideas in his head. It’s getting unbearable to the point he’s throwing one of these huffs a week and they usually last 3/4 days of silent treatment and huffing about. I feel as though I’m walking on eggshells and don’t even want to be in the relationship because of this. Every day I’m wondering how I can stop this from happening but it doesn’t matter what I do. I do all house work, admin and 90% of childcare and theres nothing can be done to stop these insecurities. I think it’s deeper routed than he’s saying but I’ve no idea what it could be he’s always reluctant to talk about anything

he refuses and always puts the blame on me saying it’s my fault he feels like this and I put these ideas in his head. It’s getting unbearable to the point he’s throwing one of these huffs a week and they usually last 3/4 days of silent treatment and huffing about. I feel as though I’m walking on eggshells

You're describing emotional abuse.

You can't help him, and he's refusing to help himself. As the pp says, this is emotional abuse, and will probably get worse. I'd leave him.

This is emotional abuse. His insecurities may be real or they may just be an excuse, but it doesn't matter, his behaviour is abusive.

I am just guessing here, but I imagine that when you were pregnant and your DS was very young, you were much more "available" to him in that perhaps you didn't go out much, had limited friends etc. So this is all ramping up because he is seeing you out and about and he doesn't like it. He wants you at home, cooking, cleaning, doing the childcare and just generally being availbale for him.

It will only get worse. What happens when you want to go out for dinenr with a few friends and leave him with DS? I bet he HATES that.

Given, from what you say, this is a fairly recent change in his behaviour, I would be a bit concerned that he is deflecting: that it is he who is actually cheating.

Yep, this is emotional abuse, it will only get worse I speak from experience here.

Also speaking from experience here... it will only get worse.

It turns out the 'insecure' and very, very jealous boyfriend I had was also cheating. But even if he wasn't, the possessiveness and sulking were unbearable in the end.

It is definitely abuse. I know it's hard, but start getting your ducks in a row, ready to leave.

YOU CANNOT FIX HIM. I promise.

He's abusive towards you and he's not going to change

Don't stay with someone who treats you so badly

This sounds less an insecure man than a controlling man, sadly.

You should, I think, take stock of how you'd be financially situated if this relationship got worse, AKA "get your ducks in a row" Eg:

• what is your housing situation? Do you own your home between you or is it his place?
• if you rent who is the lead tenant?
• are you able to extend your hours at work if you needed to, in order to save and have funds if you needed to leave? You would need your own, separate bank account which only you have access to
• do you have full access to a joint bank account
• would you be able to afford extra childcare if you extended your work hours (eg got a child minder). Also check what other childcare you might be eligible for *www.gov.uk/childcare-calculator*
• check what other benefits you might be entitled to www.entitledto.co.uk
• are you claiming child benefit into your own bank account? You'd need to do this to help with national insurance and state pension contributions *www.gov.uk/child-benefit*

Don't forget you'd also need to claim child maintenance from your partner. You could put in a claim with the Child Maintenance Service, online and they'll arrange to collect the correct amount from him.
www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service

Citizens Advice are a good place to get more information and advice, so consider contacting them.

You may decide you're not ready to act yet but having this information will be very useful to help you decide what to do next.

• Whilst you are in this current situation, I would strongly advise being very careful not to get pregnant as dealing with a new baby on top of what you're going through now will just make your life more difficult. Good luck OP. 🌹

Why is he calling you so much in the day? Isn’t he at work? On those days he says you are too busy with other people, what does he actually expect you to do? Stay in? Do something with him?

He sounds ridiculous.

I have a friend whose husband suffers from severe anxiety. Prior to realising this, these constant calls from him were so frustrating and me and DH were really worried about their relationship. He has subsequently been diagnosed, takes anti-anxiety medication etc. BUT... it's still a problem and it has a particularly negative effect on their children as his anxiety means he's very very reluctant to let them have any independence.

The fact that his anxiety is real and genuine, and even that he's seeking help, isn't an excuse for his behaviour. And your BF's insecurities are not an excuse either. This is controlling and abusive and will only result in your world getting smaller and smaller.

Emotional abuse and coercive control.

Noone should have to live with the totally unnecessary stress of having their every move suspected, doubted, interrogated etc.
At all, let alone while trying to look after a young child.

Are you sure this isn't projection from a guilty conscience too?

People often think karma is going to get them back for stuff they've done.

Does he think you're dropping your child off elsewhere while you're off shagging, or just putting him in a play pen and doing the shagging in the same house? Dickhead.

I'd wonder what he's been up to himself.

Even if he hasnt, he's a paranoid, possessive, jealous freak who's harassing you. His behaviour is unreasonable and unacceptable. And he won't get help (not that there's much helping men like this).

He’s not insecure. He’s controlling. If he doesn’t trust you and really thinks you’re cheating, why hasn’t he split up with you? I bet it’s him cheating.

Honestly just get rid of the attention seeking little dickhead. He can sulk at his mums permanently.