Have you ever fallen out of love with your DP and managed to fall back in love?

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

As the title says really.

I've been posting for a while about my relationship with DH who is saying that he isn't sure he loves me enough to stay with me. We are currently trying to make things work but I'm not sure if it is possible for him to fall back in love with me once he has fallen out of love.

He does still love me, just not 'in love'.

To put in perspective we have a small baby who was prem and in hospital for a couple of months so we have been through a rough time of late. However this is not the first time he has had these feelings.

Anyone?

I think it's very normal to feel distant from one another on occasions in a long relationship.

DH and I have been together 15 years this year and since having DD 18 months ago have never been more challenged in our relationship. There were times that I thought we wouldn't pull through as we were pushing each other away when we should have been sticking together but I'm pleased to say we're happy again now (not to say we won't fall out tomorrow)

I don't think I ever didn't love him and him me but there have been times when we didn't like each other very much. I'm not sure about the 'in love' thing, to me that feels like the first gushes of a relationship. I have a much deeper love for my DH now but I don't have the same gushing, shyness kind of feelings I had in the begining. I think that's pretty normal

Don't underestimate the strain a child puts on a relationship, especially the intense and very stressful time you've had with a prem baby.

I think what you describe is very common and a new and premature baby is a great strain. The problem is that men are (often) romantic and miss being "in love". But the kind of situation you are in is the sort that couples can come through. Good luck.

Yes, I believe it is possible. Everything is cyclic in a relationship, nothing is ever static. Agree with GN.

Dear MHIS,
My ds is nearly 2 and it is only recently that I have started to feel about my dh the way I did before we had him. Having a baby is a HUGE adjustment and it can kind of crowd out any ability to feel anything much for your partner. For ages we just felt like joint domestic servants to a small slavemaster, not lovers, or even friends!!

I read on here once that no one should be allowed to split up within 2 years of having a child and I think that is good advice. It will all come back but it takes time to readjust. Would he consider relationship counselling?

I think that it's completely normal and that most couples go through it at some point. DH and I actually did it before we got married. Even though it was awful at the time (things like ringing in the new year and both of us privately thought that it would be the last time that we did it together) it was actually very reassuring when we got married as I knew that we had gone through it once and we could go through it again.
To be honest, with a prem baby the two of you have been under so much pressure, it's not surprising that the relationship has taken a battering. It's a shame that men generally don't discuss these things as then your DH could find out how many of his peers have been through it.

thanks for all the replies you have given me some hope. This isn't the first time we have been through this - him being uncertain etc Usually happens about every 2 years!

Jackey - we too went through it before we got married. Thought that getting married was a turning point and we be okay - suppose that was a bit naieve of me.

Also I totally agree with doing thing 'for the last time' - it's our first anniversary soon and I'm thinking it could be our last

Sounds like he and probaly you need to talk to someone to understand why it keeps occuring if it's regular. Does he suffer stress or depression, is it an anniversary of anything that triggers it. Just grasping at straws but it'd help to get into his thoughts a bit more. Would he post on the dads pages? Could you show him this thread to demonstrate that it's not just you two?

I'm not sure how useful the notion of being 'in love' or 'out of love' is in your situation.
You are parents, with a baby who needs you. You need to be kind to each other, respectful and tolerant of each other. You are under stress because of your circumstances. To expect the same sort of romance as during your courtship is a mistake.

I've been with my DH for 20 years, married 12. We were head over heels at first, I love him deeply now but there have been times in between when I have felt very little affection for him and have felt resentful about certain things.
You have to commit to each other and your children for the long haul and expect that there will be rough times, but then there are other times when things are absolutely brilliant.

I think it's possible.

My DH and I went through a really rough patch last year, which was resulted in us spending a few weeks apart.

Since we've been back together, we've been happier than ever. We both now realise how important our relationship is and we are far more honest about how we feel etc,

I'm also a lot more understanding (if that's the right word). I suppose I've realised that I love him for who he is, so I no longer get angry when little things annoy me - I just know that they are part of his character and part of the man I love.

it is possible.

i dont think you ever fall out of love it just changes its no longer care free and exciting stress seems to be over taking

my dp and i go through this alot just recently i thought the same about him but were going through stressful time with our ds awaiting assessments for autism and bills mounting up and woking alot

but we make sure no matter how much stress we will try and make quality time for each other

as a mother you tend to always put your child first and men begin to feel unwanted second best and a bit redundant

now i make sure at least once a week we have cuddly evenings nice meal and we talk

you dont stop loving someone as much you grow apart if you stop making effort

ive found we have had to overcome this many times and probably always will as it takes work and love takes different stages throughout the yrs and you have to work with it and with each other its when you cant do it anymore and grow apart that it breaks down

i really hope you can both put the effort in but really needs both of you to try not just one of you

my mum always said having a child can break the strongest of couples if they dont work together

i never thought me and my dp would see my ds to his 3rd birthday but we have this month and we are just starting to feel silly about each other again as the trials of having a child made us serious and we didnt have fun anyomore were now beginning to be silly and have fun and not be so serious

Please don't just wait around like a Good Girl for him to sort through his feelings for you. That is terrible. Every day must feel like an audition, like if you put a foot wrong you'll lose him forever.

It's ridiculously cocky of him to expect you to carry on living with him while he sorts through his feelings at his leisure. "I love her, I love her not". I'd be going insane.

If you want to help him feel how much he still loves you, tell him it's fair enough that he doesn't know if he wants you to stay together, but not fair enough to expect you to live with him as if nothing's changed while he decides. Suggest a bit of distance would help both of you decide what they want. Say you'll help him find a short-term flat to rent while he explores his emotions.

Having the premature baby must be a terrible strain, but if he's had these feelings before it's time he realises he can't have his cake & eat it. Don't sit there while he decides how much he loves you! He's either in or he's out. He either loves you and is nice to you, or he doesn't love you & has the balls to leave.

I think that after a child it is much harder to have the romantic spontaneity that we often think of as being the "passionate" side of a relationship, and so a relationship does need to evolve which can be difficult imo, but is not impossible.

Also (and apologies for the gender stereotyping) I think that many men feel displaced in their dp's affection when a child comes along, they may even feel a bit of jealousy that the bond between mother and child is so strong and that they don't know always quite know how to acheive this for themselves. If your baby was premature then it is possible that this has been compounded by a phase where dp felt he needed to be strong even though his own emotions were in turmoil.

It may sound trite and pop-psychology-ish but I think that the only way to get to the bottom of his feelings is to try to discuss it in a non-judgemental fashion (which i appreciate is very difficult when you have both been under stress and are no doubt tired from looking after the baby)

You need to set aside some time for yourselves and discuss what being part of a family means for your relationship and how it may not be the same as before but that does not have to mean throwing the past away. How a different type of work may be necessary to make it through the rough patches, and how you both need to be gentle with each other's emotions after the times that you have been through together.

It's not the first time he's been confused about his feelings, though.

I meant to ask, do his "i don't know how i feel" phases usually coincide with some other pressure in his life? do you think he truly feels this way or is he using this "scare" tactic as a way of refocusing attention on himself when he feels his life is out of control?

i have to admit my moments like this always come along when i dont feel i can cope with things anymore

i always go through the things just are not working

men are worse with feelings as they feel they cant talk about things so running away could be the easy option for him too

just be straight with him and say this isnt the first time you ahve felt like this if you need to go then go

maybe a scare tactic of you not begging may make him realise that you wont always stand for this and he will realise how much he does love you

just try and get some more you time i found when ds was a baby was when we were not so good as i didnt want to be spontanious and didnt want to make love was so tired

now still have moments when ds is awake and dp wants to be spontanious i cant relax but now ds sleeps better at night in his own room its easier to set aside time together

and get a baby sitter when you can and go out for meal hope all is well with little one but remember you do still need to be you and dh not just parents xx

Arrgh just wrote a really long reply and deleted it!

Basically it said;

Bluebutterfly - he has these feelings before every big decision - ie getting a house, getting engaged and getting married. Surprisingly he didn't feel this way about getting pregnant and wanted to get pregnant asap. Maybe this time it's a delayed reaction????

Getting time alone is impossible as I am demand breastfeeding. I realise that this is not helping as we desperately need time alone but I don't want this to be at the expense of my daughter.

I have suggested that he move out but he is reluctant - mostly I think cos of the cost and leaving his daughter. We are going to discuss this properly tonight - baby permitting!

Just wish that we could both enjoy our baby and be a normal family

Try not to set up an 'either or' situation i.e. your DH vs your daughter.
If you feel that lack of time alone together is seriously jeopardising your relationship, you could look at expressing your milk and have someone else feed your daughter - it might be worth trying this anyway so your DH can feed her sometimes. It might make him feel closer to her rather than that she is solely dependent on you and that he has no role to play.