Trauma bonded

[PeachPie09]

Does anyone have any advise on getting over a trauma bond with someone?

No, but would love advice too so if you have any please share x

More than half the battle is knowing that's what it is. Then you treat it the same way you do any other impulse. Just because you want to eat the chocolate cake thats meant for your friends birthday tomorrow...doesn't mean you get to.

Get it out of sight.
Tell yourself no and mean it.
That and make sure s/he's blocked on everything.

You'll get through it. A few weeks no contact and that's that. Sometimes a couple of months if you've been in the abusive relationship for many years or it's been extra intense n volatile throughout.

I would advise no contact & block if possible

Get rid of anything that reminds you of them

Accept it will be hard for a few weeks while you adjust to life without them but you will slowly adjust

Look after yourself, eat well, lots of fresh air & water

What if no contact is not an option (when children are involved) I'm currently getting guilt tripped atm and my empathetic side is a serious weakness here.

If kids are involved, block them on everything except one number, ideally a Burner phone you can leave in a drawer and just check occasionally. Never respond to anything not about the kids.

Never let them in your home.
Either have a friend or relative do pick ups or drop offs or stay in your car/send the kids to their car when possible. Or have the kids be collected by them from school on their days.

The rules are the same. Minimal contact only.
Google the grey rock technique. It is useful for occasional, quick contact (which is all you should be having).

Get a contact order in writing if they have form for dicking you about. Look for parenting apps you can communicate through.

And if they harass you in any way, go to the police. Shared kids doesn't mean they get to bully you.

• Therapy
• Meditation when you find yourself thinking too much of them
• Positive affirmations telling you that you can do this/can heal etc
• Do things for you that make you happy that don't involve the other person
• Reduce/eliminate caffeine from your diet
• Tell yourself every day that this is a trauma bond and it will be broken

Thank you @Pinkbonbon he is currently still in the home. I've asked him to leave and gave him a few weeks to get organised. I don't think he is doing anything about leaving. I don't love him anymore but I am frightened of things turning nasty. I hate arguments. I perhaps naively just want to keep things amicable and draw a line under it. Thank you for the advice. I am too soft.

You can't keep things amicable with a lion that wants to eat you, unfortunately.

It is going to get messy one way or another so you need to be prepared to take action.

Assuming his name isn't on the property, you can simply have the locks changed when he is out at work and drop his stuff round with his family.

Or have a relative round and tell him he is to leave today. If he kicks off, call the police.

Showing them kindness or compromise is taken as weakness. They attack weakness. Theyve trained you to try to appease them for a quiet life. But you have to resist that and do the uncomfortable things that need done to get them out.

Best thing you can do is take action and show them you have support and aren't afraid to call the police on them etc.

Do not get sucked into merry go round conversations about why its over. Just 'because I'm done'. They'll try give it whyyyyy and all that shit. Just "Because I'm done'. They might hit you with 'you aren't going to fight for us?' Or some similar guilt trip. Just 'nope'. Dont be drawn into it.

Their objective is to exhaust you.
That's why you don't give them time around you to do so. Fuck week, he leaves today.

He doesn't have anywhere else to go? His.fucking.problem. He shouldn't abuse women. If he didn't, he could be given time to leave. But he does. So - fuck.him. He goes today or the police are called.

If his name is on the lease or house thrn that may change things somewhat. See a solicitor. But, you'd like wise to be out of there yourself ASAP if you can afford to.

But trauma bonds aren't broken until they are out. You have to take action now in order to feel better later unfortunately. There will not be a magical day you wake up, fully powered and feeling free...if your jailor is still in your home. You have to act first to gain the freedom.

Thank you @Pinkbonbon I'm going to take some of your advice and reenforce the message today. My eyes have been opened to how little they care and how they can live for free off me and just ignore my requests to leave. Total vampire I'm dealing with.

I have achieved this feat. Education is power. Upskill yourself in trauma bonding, forgive yourself and show compassion to yourself, journal, lots of self reflection, therapy is good too. Go no contact or low contact - force yourself.

You can do this.

Good luck!

Might be wise to send the kids out for the day if possible. Or give them the heads up that dad isn't happy he's been asked to leave the house. But he has to leave because he isn't paying for himself and is being mean and - we do not tolerate that nonsense. So he's to find a place of his own. But don't worry, they can still see him there.

Because he will try give it 'your mummy is evil she's trying to kick me out and seperate us'. They need to know that his own actions are the reason. They like to tell you you're tearing the family apart (hilarious that they think they, the soul sucker from hell, count as family but hey-ho). As if it wasn't them that ruined things by being utter cunts.

'No Jim I'm just breaking up with you. You're not my family. You are the kids father though so try behave like a decent adult and hopefully we can coparent successfully for them. But I'm done. We're done. It's done. So pack your stuff and sod off'.