Is he planning to leave?

[bridgerbelle]

I've been with my DH for 8 years, married for nearly 2, childfree by choice. He's my best friend, so kind and considerate always and we have a lot of shared interests which we enjoy together. We split housework 50/50 mostly, and when we don't (he does marathons so sometimes cooking etc. falls more to me when he's doing intense training) he acknowledges and appreciates my extra effort and I'll get flowers and dinners out to thank me. Basically it's a very happy marriage and I would be devastated if we split up.

He doesn't give any indication that he's any less happy than I am, except for this one thing. We're moving house and going from a very expensive city to a much cheaper location, so we are very fortunate to be releasing some equity. We keep our finances quite separate, we have a joint account for bills and the mortgage but otherwise we keep our own money. This has always suited us fine. He's always been a higher earner than me and pays significantly more into the joint account. He's also very generous in treating me to things as he knows I have a lot less to spend. He paid most of the deposit for the home that we are selling. Because of all this, I suggested that we shouldn't split the equity equal ways as he's contributed more and he agreed - we are going to divide it into three chunks, one joint which will be the biggest pot, and then two individual pots for each of us - about a 60:40 split. I have no problem with any of this. We aren't talking loads of money here, it'll be less than 20k in total after stamp duty and other fees.

What I DO have a problem with is that he wants everything we've agreed in writing. I don't understand why. I've asked and he says he just thinks it's sensible. I tried to make a joke and said something like 'oh are you planning ahead for the divorce?' and he just laughed it off. He sent me an email draft of our agreement and it's so formal. It hurts to feel like that he doesn't trust my word on something like this, and that he's potentially thinking ahead to how we divide assets if we split. I don't know if I am overreacting or if this seems odd to other people as well?

Tell him to fuck off and don't ever mention it again.

As default all goes 50/50 in a marriage unless stated otherwise, you have suggested a different split and he wants it in written to make it formal.
I only can see that on your post.

I think everyone should think about the what ifs in a split. Even The happiest of marriages can be destroyed in a matter of days.

And going by how some women on here end up with absolutely nothing, it's wise, for both parties, to be covered. I have a similar set up and am not making plans to leave.

This doesn’t make sense. You agree to it in principle, but don’t want it written down? Either you agree to it or you don’t. It is sensible and no reflection on your marriage. And to be honest if he was going to leave it wouldn’t hinge on a piece of paper. You sound like you have a lovely life, enjoy it.

I just see it as sensible 🤷‍♀️

No-one wants to see themselves splitting up in the future but stranger things do happen and he's just protecting himself. I wouldn't take it personally and couldn't get worked up about this, but maybe that's just me.

Well it's kind of pointless doing the division in the first place if you don't put in a legal framework for it, as everything is 50/50 in a marriage.

I think it was stupid idea in the first place, as you're married, supposed to be a team, a family and your assets are shared. Your finances aren't separate.

We have complex finances in my relationship and have agreed to put all in writing to ensure it doesn’t become an issue later down the line.

People are uncomfortable with having things in writing and it feels like you have doubts elsewhere as the way you describe him he sounds fair and sensible. You suggested the split but now getting cold feet. Why?

I suggested that we shouldn't split the equity equal ways as he's contributed more and he agreed

It sounds like you suggested the split, and he's just trying to make it more formal than a verbal agreement, I wouldn't read too much into it. Even a pre-nup that can cost thousands doesn't always stand up in court in a divorce, if you're really worried about it though seek legal advice before you sign anything.

When you asked him if he was planning for the divorce and he laughed it off, can you revisit that with him and say that your mind has been churning, would he be willing to talk through where he's at with it with you?

I think in a divorce every thing from the marriage goes into a pot and the agreement wouldn't necessarily hold

I see it as sensible - you are both happy and who knows what the future can bring - a verbal agreement is pointless. If you are happy with it then sign it.

On the other hand, you not wanting to sign could be an indication that you are planning to leave?

To clarify, I have not said I won't sign. I don't want to go back on the agreement. I think it's more than fair, he's still being pretty generous. I'm just concerned that he thinks he needs to protect himself and why.

Have you asked him? Not being glib, but if it’s bothering you this much then going to the source would be better than asking people on the internet to speculate. Again, I think he is just being sensible.

I tried to in quite a light hearted way but he didn't take it seriously. I'm nervous about what can of worms I might open. It has been reassuring to read that others say they'd want the same as he's asked for.

I think he's being sensible to be honest and if it was the other way round you would likely be getting advice to do the same.

Honestly I think it is just a sensible thing, as others have said too and you’ve noted. I’m sorry it’s churning stuff up for you though, do you think that it could be because you’re going through a lot of change currently with the move and everything? It can be a bit destabilising, even if you’re moving on to bigger and better things. Sending you lots of love by the way.

Whether it’s written down or not, it’s unlikely to make much difference to the division of assets if you divorce. Even if the whole house was in his name, it could still be split between you on a fair basis (usually 50-50).

That said, I don’t see why you’d object to putting it in writing if you’re happy to agree orally. It’s all a bit academic though for a married couple.

He's being sensible as others have said – I'd do the same in his position. I don't see what difference it makes if it's written down or not if you agree to the deal

This is such a kind reply, thank you. I do have issues around low self-esteem and I've never felt good enough for him, so that's probably not helping either.

I think you undervalue your contribution to the marriage and yourself, and you should probably work on that.

You're a team and his greater earning power isn't more important than what you put into the relationship and family life.

Oh my love, you are definitely good enough for him - he’s chosen you and so if you value him, then you value his opinions and decisions - so basically you rock! I do know about lower self esteem issues though, I really do and some thoughts can sometimes be pervasive and invasive. He’s honestly just making a practical decision, I promise it’s nothing to do with you, your worth or how he feels about you. Really sorry that you’re having a wobble, but wobbles are natural too. A good way to help would be to do something really nice for yourself today to reaffirm that value - buy yourself something nice or take some time to do a ‘you’ thing. Again, sending you all the love. 🧡

I wouldn’t really like this either OP - even though you have instigated the initial decision by the sounds of it.

Especially in a marriage it seems odd. And with a small amount really.

I’d be checking the small print. Is this 60:40 something that he thinks will apply to everything going forward? Or is it just on this bit of equity? If so, it seems unnecessary as surely you will both direct the bank/building soc as to where to send the equity and so can give them the split then. How does DH expect you could suddenly get it changed to 50:50 without him knowing?

You’re building a life and home together. This goes beyond financials. It just seems a bit off. Before signing go and have a chat with a solicitor and see what they think any long term implications could be. If they think it’s fine then go ahead with it!

Good luck with the move.
💐