Am I looking at this wrong??

[LuckyLinda3]

Hi, I'd welcome perspectives/advice please.

Together 3+ years, don't live together but different work schedules have always meant its hard to get time together. Recently dp has got a promotion and is now required to work every other weekend (healthcare,13hr shifts). We have discussed this at length and he has assured me he will make time for us.
Dp always had an active social life before we met, is heavily involed in a local club and meets friends for drinks at least twice a week. None of this is an issue for me but since he has started his new work pattern he seems to be ticking all other boxes before it comes to me. For example we were both off Monday after his working weekend but he went out with friends in the afternoon for the rest of the day. When i mentioned it he said as we hadn't made plans he just went on ahead so I'm not sure now if I'm wrong being upset as yes he's correct we had no plans but neither did he text to make any.
I think his social life is now becoming an issue for me where we are time limited. He's off during the week although I do work Mon to Friday to 5 but we haven't seen each other since a week on Saturday.
He is so kind, my kids love him and we have amazing chemistry so I'm really torn as to what to do. We have chosen not to live together right now but I'm not comfortable with something really casual either. I need my partner to show up for me and for us. I feel like I've said my piece but equally am I being too passive when it comes to plans?? Thanks.

Talk to him about it. In effect say what you have said in your posting, and ask him what HE thinks. Does HE think you are looking at it the wrong way. If he does, ask him to explain how he thinks you should be looking at it and then spend some time living with that explanation to see if it fits in with how you want your relationship to be and how you want to live your life. Tell him that's what you are going to do. So, in a word, communicate. Silence and a failure - and sometimes an inability - to communicate open and honestly is slow death for a relationship.

Totally agree - you need to be honest, open and a bit vulnerable. I want to tell you how I feel. I don't want to blame you that I am a bit upset but I want to express things and work together to hopefully make different choices so I can feel happier.

I feel that you are prioritising seeing friends and making solo social arrangements rather than spending time with me. This leaves me feeling lonely and hurt. I'd like to see you a couple of times per week and for us to do some fun things together e.g. dinner / cinema / bowling / whatever.. It's important to me that we both look to make those plans so that I can feel like a priority. How do you feel about this?

Then maybe you need to hear what he says and try to both take more action on arranging to spend time together...

Edited to add this is what killed my last relationship. He made all the right noises about me being a priority but it never felt that way. There was also something he needed to do for other people. My attempts to raise it resulted in him being grouchy with me and me feeling guilty and upset. New boyfriend is totally different and has made it clear from day 1 that I am a priority and I have never once had this conversation... You can communicate but just be aware that sometimes it just doesn't fix things.

You ask whether you're being too passive in making plans but I don't think we can answer that from the info given in your OP. Do you initiate plans or wait to hear from him?

Thanks @1Ta1T. I do feel I have communicated my needs well but you are right about asking what he thinks too so we will do that.

Thanks too @SpringleDingle. I will definitely discuss with him but as you mentioned right now I definitely don't feel like I'm one of his priorities and I know everyone deserves to feel that way in a committed relationship.

No I don't think you're looking at it wrong. He said he'd make time for you and he isn't.

@FlameTulip I do initiate plans but I think I'm too passive at times because I'm aware of his work schedule too.
It's definitely an area I could improve on.

Maybe suggest you make some plans for the next few weeks and see how eager he is, if he can make time with you. One of my favourite couply activities is sitting and planning out a trip or a night out. Even ones we aren't in the position to actually pay for at the moment! If he was just not clear that you wanted to do things with him this will sort that out and you can see if his energy matches yours. If he brushes you off, isn't keen to plan, says he wants to wait and see, etc. then I think it answers your questions about where you fit in his priorities.

Thanks @category12, I do feel like this at times too but I'm trying to keep an open mind.

We met for lunch earlier as he texted to say he is working the next 2 days. We chatted and I told him exactly how I felt. He just said that it wasn't intentional at all and that as we had no plans he just got on with doing his own thing.
I asked him how we made plans if we didn't communicate and he just said he wasn't sure when he would have text me.
I sensed he wasn't hearing me and wasn't really in the humour for the conversation so I left it.
To be fair he is normally very good at messaging and great once plans are made but not great at initiating them.