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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Marriage vs motherhood

15 replies

Lili93 · 07/05/2024 21:47

My daughter is 5. We got pregnant accidentally. My husband didn't want to keep the baby but I did, so we kept her but he asked me to promise it wouldn't change our relationship. Naively, I promised it wouldn't (I knew nothing of babies!!). Since her arrival he hasn't done anything to help with parenting. He never got up in the night when she cried (only complained about being kept awake), rarely changed a nappy, never fed her. Never played with her. Never did the nursery run (we both worked). I never pushed it as it was me that wanted her in the first place and I wanted to give him time to get his head around it.

But all the while I have tried to keep some focus on our marriage as best I could (making dinners, evening massages, romance, dressing up, date nights, occasional bike rides and an annual evening away).

He is complaining that this is not enough and we don't do weekly hobbies together or spend any time without our daughter and that I'm obsessed. He wants to go away for a week but there isn't anyone who could look after her and I feel this would be too long when she's still young and when we've only left her for a night so far with my mother. He also has no suggestions for who could take her or how we can find more support - just complaints.

I have found motherhood wonderful but tough. We don't have family /
friends nearby to help and I feel like I've done the parenting stuff alone. and almost like my husband has turned into a second child competing for my attention.

I have asked him to help more but he says he will then doesn't (and I can't be bothered to keep chasing him) or that he has the bigger and now only job and our daughter is just too demanding and I spoil her with too much attention (I feel I have to as he hardly gives her any). She has rarely slept through the night though, which has not helped and I am very very tired as a result.

We have now started having big arguments about this and he's saying if it doesn't get better our marriage is over.

We live in a different country and are now (because we moved to a different country) entirely financially dependent on him. I don't know if I should fight for the marriage or give up but I don't know how to start again or if I could even move back to the UK or where I would go.

Is this common? Do other people spend more time together without their kids? And how, if you don't have family or friends nearby?

OP posts:

Springadorable · 07/05/2024 21:56

No it's not common, and it sounds awful. I think it's time to take him up on his offer of ending the marriage. He's not a team mate and he's not someone I would want my daughter growing up around. She won't be oblivious to his disdain.

MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 07/05/2024 23:17

A baby should be the parent’s equal responsibility, he was quite clear that he didn’t want the baby and for some men, their feelings change once they bond with their baby, but it’s like he is so jealous, he can’t possibly see that your child’s need for your attention is greater than his.

You are essentially a solo parent, but with a husband that demands all your attention at the same time. I’d run a mile.

Avatartar · 07/05/2024 23:21

Oh no , he sounds like his child is an intruder rather than the product of love. He’s going to damage her emotionally- you need to leave him and come back to UK with your DD

Aquamarine1029 · 07/05/2024 23:22

Leave him as soon as humanly possible and come back home. He will not care one bit. Your husband is a fucking monster. I'm horrified your daughter has to even be around him.

LemonnyGeranium · 07/05/2024 23:27

I’d focus entirely on her and happily wave him goodbye. He doesn’t care about her or you, only himself.

LuckyMum1989 · 07/05/2024 23:38

I am so sorry @Lili93...

Upinthenightagain · 07/05/2024 23:48

Yes he’d be gone I’m afraid. I’d take her and go live closer to your family. His attitude is awful. My dh didn’t really want a baby but agreed because I desperately did. He was 47 and already had three children so he did have a point. He absolutely worships our daughter and us very hands on. It’s not normal to have such disdain for your own child and very immature to expect things not to shift relationship wise and have less free time.

Ponderingwindow · 07/05/2024 23:55

You need to start working again.

your husband is acting like a child. Having children means needing to spend most of your life time taking care of your children. It really doesn’t matter if he wanted a child or not. He had sex, he got a child.

is there any chance of convincing him to move back home under the pretense of having access to babysitting? Then ending things once you have established the uk as your country of residency in terms of custody.

Original poster

Lili93 · 08/05/2024 00:04

I know. I have applied for many jobs but I'm getting nowhere. The lack of money is a problem but so is the lack of access to other adults / some independence.

I've tried to float the UK but it's a definite no.

I think I'd need to live here for a few months / a while as a single parent and try and demonstrate that he could parent just as well (I.e. not a lot) from another country.

OP posts:

OceanStorm · 08/05/2024 00:15

If you love your child don't allow her to be treated like this

JumalanTerve · 08/05/2024 05:39

That's not normal at all, in fact it's s highly unusual way for a father to treat his daughter

Lili10 · 08/05/2024 08:16

Thanks everyone. I'm sure you all think I'm mad, but there are moments where he's kind or funny or loving (to her and me) and then I get my hopes up but those moments are less and less and don't translate to actual help or doing something to help me or her.

I googled "narcissist" a year ago and it seems to fit.

Bringbackspring · 08/05/2024 11:29

He sounds awful and I really feel sorry for your daughter. It's easy to forget how much children notice about the things that go on around them. When I was little I could very clearly tell which adults had no interest in interacting with me, or seemed to treat me a bit unfairly. It affected how I saw them and now that I am an adult those same people have changed the way they treat me and try to be really friendly (one is a close family member). But for me they are tarred by the way they behaved when I was a child and I have no interest now in developing any kind of relationship with them, as hard as they may try.

If one of those adults was my parent, and you can just feel that they don't like you or aren't interested in you, I can't even imagine how horrendous that would be to grow up around.

pikkumyy77 · 08/05/2024 11:33

You made a mistake in marrying him. Then another trusting him enough to mive out of the UK and rely solely on his earnings.

However you can move your dd back home and divorce him. He will divorce you, anyway, when he decides you won’t pretend to be childless or you don’t give him enough massages and sex.

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 08/05/2024 11:50

Honestly, if he was going to bond with his daughter he'd have done so by now.

You sound miserable (and rightly so) he sounds awful. You'd be better to cut your losses and divorce. You are a single parent anyway on all but paper so it won't be as big a deal as you think. He can't escape his financial duty to his child, regardless of how he feels about her.

You'll be so much better when you're set up on your own with a job and friends and your little girl will be happier too. I have no doubt that she knows she's not loved by him.

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