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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

OLD - are most men after one thing?

77 replies

onlinedating · 07/05/2024 17:51

I'm 40 and dating men around my age. Is that the problem? Do I need to be going older? It seems men are dating aimlessly, looking for that fake and meaningless 'spark', and casual shagging?

I've been dating for 10 months and it's absolutely horrendous.

OP posts:
ScrollingLeaves · 07/05/2024 23:46

Littlebitpsycho · 07/05/2024 19:45

Ewww the phrase 'lovemaking' makes me want to barf 🤮🤮

I don't necessarily think it's true that decent men don't need to do OLD, some of them just aren't confident to approach women in real life.

I've been with my partner nearly 3 years and he's wonderful - he said he didn't get many matches online and worried it was because he's not English (although speaks fluently). He said he wouldn't dare approach an English women in person in case they were mean about it.

Luckily I don't date English men so it all worked out for the best. He works hard, makes me laugh, and tries his best to look after us (even if he must send photos of every single fish he catches when fishing, and then give the whole story behind each catch afterwards!)

Littlebitpsycho

Ewww the phrase 'lovemaking' makes me want to barf 🤮🤮

It did sometimes used to mean something rather more than ‘having sex’.

SamW98 · 08/05/2024 00:25

occhiazzurri · 07/05/2024 23:34

@Telemakus - the same is 100% true for men over 40/50 on OLD but for a different reason. The few people I dated for a couple of months have photos that are way outdated (in some cases 5+ years) and no longer represent what they look like. I haven’t met a single man who was actually better looking in real life - quite the opposite! There is also a lot of deception with clever photography about height, too.

Edited

The majority of men I’ve met for dates are older and shorter than their profile.

One claimed to be 5’11 but was the same height as me (5’7) - did he think I wouldn’t notice?

Hugmorecats · 08/05/2024 00:55

I must have got very lucky as after three months of dating I met someone nice on OLD. I was 39 at the time and he was 41. There is hope OP! We’re now living together.

Hugmorecats · 08/05/2024 01:04

I was on Bumble and didn’t message anyone who couldn’t spell. My partner now from OLD has two degrees and works full time (which some up thread have said is inportant!). He’s the height he said (actually a bit too tall for me at over 6 foot as I am tiny)

But I did go through the thing of meeting people and they were… strange. It’s a minefield out there.

Dadjoke007 · 08/05/2024 01:17

Nope, I am 50, nice job, house etc... two annoying teens too!! All (!) I am looking for is a long term relationship - not after casual, ONS or anything like that. Just someone nice, caring and who I fancy too! Not all us guys are after one thing, or ghost, or mess around.

For me OLD is the only option - work is not that big and not likely to know who is single anyway - when you are out you have no idea if someone is married or has a partner and would not feel comfortable just hitting up on someone in that way. Yes, I could join a club or something but even if there are 20 people there, 10 would be female and how many in the age range for me, and who are single... Cant see IRL working

Garlicked · 08/05/2024 01:35

Back in my long-gone days, you'd go out to a club with your mate. There would be maybe 200 men at the club. You'd get talking to a couple of them, a couple more if you were really working it. Either you and one of the guys would get lucky with each other, or you'd go home via the kebab shop and try something else the following week.

You never even spoke to 197 of the men at the club.

Now it's like ALL the men at the club talking to ALL the women at once, plus all the other people at the other places up and down your area! It's obvious that most of those 197 men weren't right for you or vice versa and, to an extent, you filtered each other out by walking straight past them (or stamping on their feet, depending). None of those in-person filters or attractions online, just a 10-second profile and a few snapshots. It's like shopping, not socialising. And there's the thousands of other buggers out there, too.

This is what people mean when they say it's a numbers game. You have to be ultra-clear in your mind about what you're aiming to do and be ruthlessly focused. There's no playing it by ear or feeling your way, you're an item in a catalogue and so are they. Filter, filter, filter, and you have to do it deliberately.

Full disclosure; I gave up on this early doors and am simply not bothering now. But I pay attention to those who make it work, including my brother who met his last two wives (I know, he started early!) on Tinder. Listen to the women generously sharing their expertise on threads here, maybe even get a book - I assume there's a Tinder For Dummies?

And good luck 😊 I hope you have some fun!

QueenBitch666 · 08/05/2024 01:43

Avoid OLD at all costs. They're all porn addled scrotes ( IME )

Garlicked · 08/05/2024 01:57

QueenBitch666 · 08/05/2024 01:43

Avoid OLD at all costs. They're all porn addled scrotes ( IME )

Still the same thing, just bigger numbers. Well over half the guys at the club were oiks, fools, gropers and creeps, if you remember real-life dating. The two or three you thought worth having a drink with were just 1% of the available pool.

Telemakus · 08/05/2024 02:07

QueenBitch666 · 08/05/2024 01:43

Avoid OLD at all costs. They're all porn addled scrotes ( IME )

You make it sound like that's a bad thing...

kkloo · 08/05/2024 02:16

Rania78 · 07/05/2024 19:22

That’s my experience as well. Of course they want sex but so do I. That’s healthy. Why do we demonise lovemaking?
I have met good men on OLD, dated someone for 2 months, but of course finding a life partner is a bit more complicated. Chemistry, wanting th same things. It’s not easy, but there is a Jack for every Jill out there.

It's not 'lovemaking' if it's someone you barely know. 😂

Garlicked · 08/05/2024 02:37

It’s not easy, but there is a Jack for every Jill out there.

Thank fuck my name's not Jill 😂

Rania78 · 08/05/2024 06:03

kkloo · 08/05/2024 02:16

It's not 'lovemaking' if it's someone you barely know. 😂

Agreed. But after a few dates it can be.

kkloo · 08/05/2024 14:21

Rania78 · 08/05/2024 06:03

Agreed. But after a few dates it can be.

Yeah if a couple like each other but not for the ones who just want sex and then move on to the next one to have sex with.

No one was 'demonising lovemaking'.

desperatedaysareover · 08/05/2024 14:27

Littlebitpsycho · 07/05/2024 19:45

Ewww the phrase 'lovemaking' makes me want to barf 🤮🤮

I don't necessarily think it's true that decent men don't need to do OLD, some of them just aren't confident to approach women in real life.

I've been with my partner nearly 3 years and he's wonderful - he said he didn't get many matches online and worried it was because he's not English (although speaks fluently). He said he wouldn't dare approach an English women in person in case they were mean about it.

Luckily I don't date English men so it all worked out for the best. He works hard, makes me laugh, and tries his best to look after us (even if he must send photos of every single fish he catches when fishing, and then give the whole story behind each catch afterwards!)

A fella once asked me if I liked the way he made love to me. The sex was okay, but those ten words will live forever in my head.

Bikerstove · 08/05/2024 14:50

the lovemaking/shagging/beast with two backs/bit of "how's your father" types are currently overrepresented on OD!

And it's not even "meet, have some drinks, maybe things happen spontaneously if chemistry is there"...its "you need to type your sexual fantasies and send homemade porn photos in the first message to me, a complete stranger who may or may not even exist"

I'm not overly socially conservative, but it really is weirdo central and small rewards for high risk.

As there's a lack of accountability as well from joint social networks it gets worse...

Fs365 · 08/05/2024 19:00

SamW98 · 08/05/2024 00:25

The majority of men I’ve met for dates are older and shorter than their profile.

One claimed to be 5’11 but was the same height as me (5’7) - did he think I wouldn’t notice?

I did a little bit of OLD a few years ago, most women were older and bigger than stated on their profile with pics 5 + years old

Littlebitpsycho · 08/05/2024 19:36

desperatedaysareover · 08/05/2024 14:27

A fella once asked me if I liked the way he made love to me. The sex was okay, but those ten words will live forever in my head.

@desperatedaysareover 🤮🤮🤮 I could never have looked at him again 🤣

onlinedating · 21/05/2024 12:47

occhiazzurri

I mean most of the men we have met/dated are still on dating apps so if they had better options for a relationship they haven’t panned out or they are simply lying about their intentions. I dated a few people for a few months who still have their profile photos from when we met on OLD (now quite a few years old).

What happens to these men? They stay single forever?

What are they hoping for exactly?

OP posts:
SamW98 · 21/05/2024 15:11

onlinedating · 21/05/2024 12:47

occhiazzurri

I mean most of the men we have met/dated are still on dating apps so if they had better options for a relationship they haven’t panned out or they are simply lying about their intentions. I dated a few people for a few months who still have their profile photos from when we met on OLD (now quite a few years old).

What happens to these men? They stay single forever?

What are they hoping for exactly?

They’re hoping for no strings sex with as many women as possible

Malteasermuncher75 · 11/06/2024 17:24

Do I start dating, how would I start ??

ThisIsaNiceDress · 11/06/2024 17:44

@Malteasermuncher75 just start… seriously, it’s nowhere near as bad as some of the posters here make out 😂 I’ve met some normal nice guys I wasn’t attracted to and normal nice guys I was… the weird ones I usually didn’t get as far as the first date so maybe it’s my fault exceptional skills at weeding them out! Don’t give up before you’ve even started…

Blushingm · 11/06/2024 17:46

I'm 45 and DP is 44 and we met OLD 2 years ago. Both divorced with kids. But I know there are some horrors out there too.

Holliegee · 11/06/2024 17:51

Ohhh I have felt your pain !!!
After becoming single I found men my age (men that I’d actually known at school and had seemed decent as young men in their 20s and early 30s) become worse than teenagers when dating again - it wasn’t a good experience - they either verged from being sex gods (in their dreams) being party animals or wanted a married relationship very quickly ….. I got many d^ck pics (one actually taken in their mums bedroom) and another asked me to have a baby with him before I’d even gone out with him …. I didn’t go out on that date and sadly our friendship of over 30 years didn’t survive.
Anyway, I gave up on dating for a while and by chance met a lovely older man who asked me out every month for a year and eventually I agreed - we are now 10 years in !!

Holliegee · 11/06/2024 17:52

I apologise - I thought OLD meant an old question not online dating!! 😂

SheSellsSea · 11/06/2024 20:49

So I recently had a very serious relationship with someone who couldn’t quite handle it, so we broke up. He said he just didn’t want a relationship so soon after his breakup, couldn’t handle love and commitment. Now large on OLD, looking to ‘meet new people’ (sex)