Just keep swimming!

[Dory007]

Hey everyone. I’m in a bit of a situation and, for once, I genuinely don’t know what to do, so wondered if anyone would give some advice please or similar stories.

I’ve been with my DP now for 5+ years. When I met him I thought it was fate; we met very bizarrely and he saved me from not just one awful situation, but two. I don’t want to go into details about these, but he truly was like my knight in shining armour.

We’ve lived together for around 5 years, been together nearly 6, but the last year ish has been pretty bad in a lot of ways. It started by a massive row, which still plays on my mind today, and ever since then, lots of little arguments over trivial things, but it always resorts in him being very verbal to me, and mean. I take this to heart but I think a lot of people would; it hurts and I don’t understand how he gets so angry, so fast, over virtually nothing. On top of this, he barely speaks to me, any conversations are usually started by me. He doesn’t really call or text me when we are both out at work; I bring it up and he says he’s busy, but he’s not too busy to call his parents, or send someone a message saying Happy Birthday! He says he’s just busy so I kinda just let this go, but it hurts. He comes home and never asks how I am, how my day has been, how my work has been. We never really discuss anything because it’s basically just me talking and him barely even listening. He never used to be like this, it’s only been more recently. I just feel like Cinderella a little; I cook, clean, work, I try my best to look after him, but I feel like I get very little back. Some days he can be kind, he’ll take me for lunch and we do talk then a little more, but he’ll very quickly revert back and there’s no consistency.

He often says mean things; he takes the mickey out of my job, my car, my family, my clothes, how I do things generally etc. It may sound trivial and pathetic, but it just feels like I’m really being bullied in a playground by him sometimes, and I get super upset by this. I feel like I’m not really important to him, a lot of the time, and it pains me because it never used to be like this.

does anyone have any similar stories? I love him with everything I have, I always have done and always will do, but I just want for him to be a little nicer to me. When I try to talk to him, no matter how serious or calm I am, it just ends up with him getting angry, and usually walking out, when all I want is an adult conversation and to try to sort this mess out. I don’t feel like we’re dead in the ground, I just want to understand why he’s like this. He’s said before it’s due to his work, but it’s not fair to take that stress out on me. I probably have a more stressful job but I never take that out on him, so just fail to understand why he would be like it to me if I’m honest.

I know I could just leave him, but I don’t want to. I think he has some anger issues which just need addressing maybe. I know he’s been bitten in the past and has trust issues due to this, and I feel maybe this is part of it; we’re at the point where we were looking to buy a new house together and properly settle, and he seems to have completely gotten cold feet, and done this odd u-turn!

If I keep my mouth shut, we could just live as we are I guess, but that’s not a relationship to me. I want someone with some life in them, some empathy, some
laughter; just something about them. He used to have all of this but it just seems to have all disappeared and I can’t fathom why. I think he does need to speak to a professional, but this also just falls on deaf ears. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why do you not want to leave him?. Examine your reasons behind that carefully. Are you confusing love here with being codependent?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar at home?.

Is his treatment of you all you think you deserve?. Is this how you think relationships should be, no because otherwise you would not have posted. You know this treatment if you is wrong. I dare say also he’s all sweet and light to those in the outside world and quite plausible.

You can and should help yourself here.
You cannot rescue and or save him here from himself because what you are describing is an abusive relationship. This is who he really is and he will not change. He is immune to therapy and besides which he would need years of it. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you call him
out.

All your words here are what an abused person in a relationship writes. He was likely great to you in the early days but that was just an act designed to draw you in. Your boundaries here, perhaps already skewed by poor life or relationship experience, are being further eroded by this man.

Do not further waste your precious life on remaining with such a man. You forget that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. What’s the situation re finances and property?. Do consider contacting Womens Aid and read Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control and this person wants absolute over you. He will reduce you emotionally to a shadow of yourself if you were to stay with him and in any case it will take some considerable time, perhaps years even, for you to recover from his abuses of you.

He is abusive and has coercive control over you, I think you are asking the impossible, nothing you do can make him a better person, holding out for things to get better isn't happening, you need to decide when is enough and move on.

Yes, I have experienced similar behaviour from my husband who has narcissistic personality disorder.

I'm afraid that you are describing attributes of an emotionally abusive man. Someone who ignores what you say, isn't interested in you and shows no empathy is showing you red flags. Do some Googling of emotional abuse and narcissistic personality disorder and see what you identify with, to educate yourself on what he is doing and what might be coming next so you can decide what to do.

Does he ignore/spoil your birthday yet or forget/spoil anniversaries or events that are important to you? If not, that's probably coming and the only cure for men like this seems to be to leave them. From what I've read, therapy can help the ones who accept there is something wrong with their behaviour and want to improve, but it can't help those who think there is nothing wrong with their behaviour in the first place.

The reason you don't want to leave him is probably to do with his psychological control over you being higher than your self esteem that should be telling you to leave.

I think you'd be far happier and more fulfilled single than in this soul destroying, will crushing, one sided, psychologically abusive relationship.