How can I help someone with massive cocaine problem

[Anonynonnon]

Or can't I?

DSis finally admitted to cocaine addiction a few months ago after a long time lying - lots of strange behaviour, lying to and then breaking up with her partner, many money worries (disappearing money, borrowing for spurious reasons, disappearing valuables which turn out to have been sold). I can't believe we didn't see it but she denied and denied. She's blown tens, maybe hundreds, of thousands of pounds. After her break up DSis moved in with our elderly mum and kept doing coke for a year before the confession saying she wants to get clean. In the last few months she's had two big relapses - on pay day withdrawing all her money and spending it all on coke. Most of her nose has fallen out. I don't know how's she's held on to her current job. I'm worried she's going to have a heart attack.

She's going to NA but how can I help with these binges? She has a few drinks then blows hundreds on coke before being off it until next pay day. I've suggested she stop drinking. Easier said than done.

I'm so worried about my mum. She's so stressed and bailing DSis out buying back her remaining stuff from the pawn shop. She's too old for this crap. She's stopped doing things she enjoys because she's so worried about DSis.

Is there other help available? Would the GP do any good? DSis is at least being honest with my mum although not answering the phone to me. Am very worried about how ashamed she feels and her very fragile mental health.

Thanks for reading.

Your poor mum OP. Cocaine has gripped this country like no other drug. It’s been totally normalised by the middle classes. No wonder it’s got your sister.

To those casually talking about ‘everyone’ doing a Class-A drug, I sit in court every day and see the terrible effects that ‘casual’ users have on their communities. On Friday I watched a woman who had been cuckooed made homeless because she’d breached her council tenancy after four men had taken up residence in her flat and used it for people to come and buy coke. They told her she had no choice as she owed them £300 for her own personal addiction.

She attempted to take her life on Saturday.

I regularly see 12 / 13 / 14 year old boys dragged into being drug runners then forced to take a burner phone and run a line. It’s mostly young black boys who are exploited in this way. They’re the ones who knock on your door with three bags for your Saturday night out. They likely have a knife in their pocket because they’re shit scare.

No such thing as casual use.

Thank you for explaining far better than I did.

You can only help her when she's ready to stop, truly ready. The cycle she is in shows that she isn't yet and is still prepared to continue the behaviour.

Focus for now is to stop enabling her - stop anything that helps her buy drugs or ensures she isn't impacted by the drug use (i.e. buying her stuff back from the pawn shop). You and your mum can sit down and discuss this with her clearly and set the rules. Does she pay rent etc? Make clear what will happen if rules aren't adhered to such and follow through with the consequences set out. There are loads of family and friend support groups around (smart recovery etc) so try to get to one of these. They will help to provide you with support and strategies to deal with sister.

When she is ready she will need to cut all of the enabling / using friends out of her life and do the really hard work to stop. It's incredibly challenging and ridiculously hard for all involved, supporting someone in recovery is one of the hardest things I have had to do and dread relapses.

I don't see how a discussion of the wider ethics of cocaine is especially helpful to the OP and the awful situation in which she and her mum find themselves. Perhaps those who want to discuss these (important) issues could start their own thread.

OP, I don't have personal experience of Nar-Anon but I know people who have accessed support and found it incredibly helpful.

Yes alcohol is legal, doesn’t make it a good thing. And yes I get what you are saying about how it is distributed, none of that is good, drugs are not good, I’m saying your judgy attitude towards someone who used to take cocaine and now doesn’t is also not good. Your comments also are not helping the op either. Op didn’t ask you to pass judgement like you are holy and have never done anything immoral, you may have never tried drugs in your life, you may have taken one or 2 puffs of a joint as a teen or young adult, whichever it is, you do you, but don’t act above others, everyone has a right to their own mistakes (and experiences) without judgement

Ok. I’m going to leave this thread after this reply as I am truly sorry for derailing it for the OP. I’ve been the big sister in this situation and it was horrendous.

My irritation was aimed at the posters who come along with the ‘everyone does it now’ message. They are part of a terrible problem.

Op, I’m sorry again and wish you and your family the best.

You can’t help her quit but as others have said be there when she hits rock bottom. More importantly protect your mum. Unconditional love from parents doesn’t help drug addicts as they end up prolonging things by enabling the addict to keep buying. Your mum will think she is doing the best for her child but in actual fact it will make things worse.

I know someone who gave her dd money for heroin every day because she didn’t want her to steal ect. She had good intentions but it did not help the DD in the long run.

Yes she probably needs to quit Alcohol (even temporarily) as well as the two are linked - ie when she drinks she will also want Coke.

Thank you for the kind comments. I was hoping someone was going to suggest some magic cure I hadn't thought of but you are all right.

I spoke to my mum earlier to reiterate my thoughts she shouldn't be buying back DSis stuff once she's pawned it. After DSis has a binge she also helps her out with money to get to work and stuff - I don't think she should. Mum thinks it'll be even worse if DSis loses her job.... I think I feel DSis needs the absolute worst to happen. She has already lost so much. Friends, partner, high earning career, home, hobbies (as she's sold expensive related equipment), treasured gifts...

Mum also doesn't want DSis to move out. Again, I think DSis should move out. Mum thinks DSis needs 'stability and suppport' - which doesn't seem to be helping!!

Regarding the 'everyone does it' comments- Yep lots do. I think that's how DSis got into it. A few lines with her rich middle class mates on a Friday night in the city has spiralled into this. It's awful. DSis is left wing and smart and generally a good person but would hate to actually think about the societal damage illegal drugs does...

I've struggled with alcohol but am sober now, hopefully for good. So I do understand addiction. I hit my rock bottom. I wish DSis could stop without needing to hit hers.

You're right, your DM is not helping by protecting your DSis from the consequences of your actions. But you have no more control over your DM's actions than you do over your DSis's addiction. All you can do is draw your own lines.

Never bought anything that isn't unethical I take it? Because I'd bet my left arm that you have.

Yeah I thought this. Do you check where all your food comes from? Do you eat meat? Do you make sure your clothes come from ethical sources? Do you choose your holidays ethically? Makeup etc.

I think coke is a dangerous shitty drug, it is rife in this country. But let's not pretend we are all ethically perfect and superior because chances are in some ways we are not.

I bloody hate cocaine. Think it’s an awful drug, but I can’t see that @trampoline123 has said anything wrong.

How much is she doing to lose part of her nose?
I was with my ex for 5 years. I used to beg him to stop, it caused so many problems. He out it before me. He’d been an addict for 20 years, been to rehab and that didn’t work. I found him counsellors etc. They’ve got to want to do it for themselves.

Her work must know as seeing part of her nose is missing.drink and coke a very dangerous combo.she will have heart damage.
The alcohol might be the trigger for the coke.

I am living through this with my sister. It is absolutely heart breaking but there is nothing at all that you can do.

My sister has not lost 3 children, is homeless and got kicked out of rehab for taking drugs in there.

OP protect yourself, love your sister from a distance and let her come back to you if and when she can free herself.

You can't. My DH was addicted to coke and didn't stop until I threw him out and then after a while we moved to the other side of the country. NA helped a bit, I think it was all the scare stories that set him straight.