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Original poster

In-between dates behaviour

12 replies

Ellena646 · 07/05/2024 09:49

I have met a nice man on Hinge (having previously dated a handful of not very nice ones!). The thing is, we are four dates in, and so far he's intentional: he asks me out, plans the dates (suggests things or we decide together) is on time, polite, kind, and good company BUT in-between dates he is virtually silent. Sometimes 3/4 days can go by and unless I chat first, it's tumbleweed, but he will check in to arrange another date (so far a date a week-ish). I've not experienced this before. I am curious to know what your thoughts are on this...

OP posts:
Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 07/05/2024 09:57

My DH was like this and I loved it. I was so sick of the false intimacy which comes with messaging relentlessly between dates. It felt more genuine. I have a busy life and it was nice knowing he had too but when we were together we both gave full attention.

SamW98 · 07/05/2024 09:59

Personally I’m a big communicator so that would drive me mad but I’ve seen others on the dating thread saying they don’t message at all inbetween dates - it’s just different styles but both are as valid so if it bothers you then talk to him about it

LisaVanderpump1 · 07/05/2024 10:41

Currently dating a guy, and our messaging started out like this ie. we'd message to arrange a date, but no chit-chat in the meantime. Neither of us are big on incessant messaging, and like a PP said, it can create false intimacy.

He brought up wanting to send me something between dates but being unsure if it was "allowed". I made it clear that he was absolutely free to contact me whenever he liked, and I'd respond when I could, and vice versa. We're now in a nice pattern where we message daily, but we do so when we can, and there's no pressure for constant, quick responses.

Maybe think about what kind of messaging pattern you'd like, and why you'd like it. Do you actually want him to message more, or is it just throwing you because it's not what you're used to? Then just bring it up with him.

Catandsquirrel · 07/05/2024 11:13

How often are you meeting? I agree on the false intimacy point , I really didn't want to spend hours chatting online but a few signals between dates are nice! What would be ideal for you? Maybe start with a halfway point. So, nothing full on but maybe a joke, photo from your day, observation or light question about him rather than mundane'how are you' or intimate stuff before you even know each other. The pace has to suit you too.

Original poster
Ellena646 · 07/05/2024 11:46

I was love bombed by my ex, so something in-between would be nice. Three or four days feels too long for me, so every day or two would be good. I am trying not to read in to who messages who first, but he does seem to be waiting on me to do it, which makes me feel a bit uncomfortable...

OP posts:
onlinedating · 07/05/2024 17:49

You could say to him on your next date that as you're getting to know each other you'd like to keep it up between dates - maybe checking in once a day, perhaps with a photo or update? Something light.

occhiazzurri · 07/05/2024 18:04

I would definitely bring it up. Typically this type of behaviour of going silent for days makes it difficult to keep a connection. It is also often a sign they are dating lots of other people- that has been my personal experience so things fizzle out in a lot of cases.

DeeCeeCherry · 07/05/2024 18:16

Makes it sound like he just wants someone to go out to places with. Somebody who cant talk to you in between dates doesn't sound interesting. So much complication around dates these days. & all this tapping away messaging, like teens. What I liked about DP after we'd been out a couple of times is, he'd pick up the phone and call. He wanted to hear my voice, not sit there tapping away on a screen. If he'd not done that I'd have lost interest. & it sounds like yours doesn't even message?! At the very least, dont keep all your eggs in one basket. He's just a man you've met, you can be open to meeting others. It doesn't sound like there's much of a connection anyway tbh

Original poster
Ellena646 · 07/05/2024 19:30

I did wonder about him talking to lots of other people. I know that's how it can be on Hinge until you agree otherwise, but that kind of puts me off him a bit....

OP posts:
onlinedating · 07/05/2024 19:34

Ellena646 He could be chatting to others, but maybe not. Men receive far fewer likes and matches compared to women, but their standards tend to be lower. Don't worry about the other women for now. Focus on dating him if you like him, get talking to other men, and if you want, ask him to pick up communication between dates. If he's not meeting your wants/needs, you know what to do. Best of luck with it all.

Original poster
Ellena646 · 07/05/2024 21:37

onlinedating · 07/05/2024 19:34

Ellena646 He could be chatting to others, but maybe not. Men receive far fewer likes and matches compared to women, but their standards tend to be lower. Don't worry about the other women for now. Focus on dating him if you like him, get talking to other men, and if you want, ask him to pick up communication between dates. If he's not meeting your wants/needs, you know what to do. Best of luck with it all.

I'm in my fifties so I don't know if that's the case, but you make a good point, thanks

OP posts:
onlinedating · 07/05/2024 21:50

Ellena646 Ah I think him being in his 50s may explain why he's not so communicative between dates, but honestly just playfully tell him you'd like a little more contact so you can continue to get to know each other. He may step up, he may not!

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