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Relationships

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Original poster

An old best friend is getting married and I feel awkward. (long!)

22 replies

warmsummersday · 02/04/2008 22:11

Hi. While at school/ college I had a group of about 5 close friends. Most of us gradually drifted apart and met boyfriends and I had 2 children. They all stayed close up until a year ago I was still close to 2 of them but now only close to one of them.

I have tried to contact Claire (I will call her) either ringing or texting but never got any reply or if I did it would be days later and very blunt. I have been racking my brains to think if I have done something to upset her but in one of her texts she told me I hadn't and she is just busy. There was one time I got upset and rang her about 5 times and she didn't answer and I left a message to say what have I done wrong and I think we should talk. She then text me late in the evening and said there was nothing wrong.

I went out with the group a few weeks back but Claire didn't come and when I walked back to the car park with a friend she told me Claire was getting married and had been engaged since last august. I was so upset, think I cried nearly the whole weekend because I felt left out. I was then going to email her and say how upset I was and why didn' t she tell me but I never sent it and she ended up texting me and saying she was waiting until she spoke to me to tell me. The thing I don't get though was I had tried to phone her and she could have phoned me back and told me.

Anyway, today I got an evening invitation to the wedding and again feel abit upset that I didn't get invited to the whole day and all my other friends will be there for the whole day. The wedding is on a friday and im sure OH wont be able to get off work early so I will have to go on my own and im not sure now if I want to go.

Not sure if anyone can give me some advice!

OP posts:

dolally · 02/04/2008 22:18

If you've done nothing that you know of to offend her then her attitude is very odd. It makes me wonder if it's her that's the problem, rather than you.

Is she a manipulator?

Is she jealous of you in some way?

Does she have a chip on her shoulder?

If you are still close to the others can they shed any light on her attitude?

So sorry she's managed to upset you but am sure someone will be along with some useful insights.

mazzystar · 02/04/2008 22:24

I think, in your situation, I would go to the wedding, and have a great time reconnecting with people - and try not to be too sensitive about the whole thing. If she has invited you, she wants you there and I imagine you might jsut spend the evening stewing if you don't.

How long ago was school/college? I think not sedning the email was a smart move. Maybe you can try to get together on your own - after the wedding - and talk?

Original poster

warmsummersday · 02/04/2008 22:27

Hi. Thanks for your reply.

The thing that got me was my best friend knew she was getting married and never told me either and when i did confront her and told her I knew Claire was getting married she said she thought she told me ages ago! I have also asked this friend if i have done anything wrong to Claire and she said she doesn't know.

Claire is a very quite girl, not a manipulator at all so i don't know what her problem is.

I also had a baby about a year ago when this all happened and she has hardly ever asked how my children are.

OP posts:

Original poster

warmsummersday · 02/04/2008 22:29

We are all now 26, I had my first DD at 21 and grew apart from them. I understand people grow apart but she could have phoned me!

OP posts:

MadameCh0let · 02/04/2008 22:34

Don't go to the evening bit. You will feel sh1t, excluded, awkward, depressed.

My uncle calls that 'the insult', being invited to the evening!

Let these friends go. They make you feel bad. Doesn't really matter who's done what to upset whom. You need friends who'll make you laugh and who are going to be happy for you or support you when you need them. Not these folks clearly.

dolally · 02/04/2008 22:36

i think mazzy's advice is the right stuff...
you must go to the wedding, otherwise you're just shooting yourself in the foot!!. So, hold your head up high, smile,.... and go to the wedding.

try not to take it too seriously. Perhaps sometime in the future you'll get the chance to talk to her about the situation.

cat64 · 02/04/2008 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PeggySioux · 02/04/2008 22:47

Sometimes friendships end. Lives go in different directions, people don't have much in common any more, friendships cease to be rewarding. I'm afraid that if a friend who I had drifted apart from kept phoning and texting and asking what she had done wrong, I would find it a bit suffocating and irritating. I'm not saying I would be unkind about it, but it would reinforce the fact that we weren't close any more.

Some people keep in touch with everyone and care deeply about their friendships, old and new. Some (myself included) just don't. I know that doesn't make me a particularly warm person, but it's true. Perhaps she is the same.

Be kind to yourself, move on. If she doesn't need you in her life any more then you don't need her either.

Original poster

warmsummersday · 02/04/2008 23:00

I have only tried to contact her a couple of times in the last year but when she hasn't replied or called back then I have called her again, im not suffocating her. Personally I find it very rude that someone can't be bothered to call me back, however busy they are and yes it has reinforced to me why I don't really need her in my life as I don't need friends who can't be bothered to return my calls.

Even so, she hasn't bothered to pick up the phone and explain to me that maybe she feels like we have drifted apart or that perhaps there is a reason why she is acting like this.

OP posts:

S1ur · 02/04/2008 23:09

Go to the party, look fab and be kind and warm.

There could be any reason or none for what you are thinking. She could be busy, she could be crap at keeping in touch (or returning calls - I know I am), she could feel she had less in common with you now you have kids, she could be an arse, she could have too many relatives coming to the sit down and can't afford people she hasn't seen in a long time, she could have thought youy'd be up for a party but that kids at a meal would be hard, she could be rude, she could be feeling awkward ablout your lapsed friendship, she could be thinking you are pissed off with her because she hasn't spoken to you in ages so didn't invite you personally and has heard you are pissed off at her and now thinks maybe on her wedding day she'd rather not deal with awkwardness and so will appease all by inviting you to the party.

OMG. I could go on.

Point is, you don't know, you're not likely to find out. Go and have a good time, be friendly and generous and you may find it was all about nothing anyway.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 02/04/2008 23:13

Oh what slur said. Definitely.

madamez · 02/04/2008 23:14

If she has moved on, she may feel that it's kinder to sort of drift away rather than actually phone you up and say 'Look, WSD, I haven't got the time or inclination to be friends with you any more. I wish you well and all that, but let's leave it there, shall we?' Not many people would feel good about doing that, and really, no matter how much people say they prefer 'honesty', not many people would like to receive a phone call like that, either. WIth regard to her only inviting you to the evening part of her wedding, you do mention that you are not really as close to the whole group as you were, and it's not that unusual for people to have a small wedding and bigger evening event and just not be able to invite everyone to the wedding bit because of space. Go to the evening do and catch up with your mates by all means, but not if you think you are at all inclined to try and get her on her own and ask her why she isn't your friend any more, that would be a really out-of-order thing to do to someone on their wedding day.

Original poster

warmsummersday · 02/04/2008 23:16

Thanks Slur!

I will probably go anyway and I am sure my mind works over time and I am probably reading into it.

OP posts:

S1ur · 02/04/2008 23:24

S'okay

Now will you be starting a thread in style and beauty for what to wear to said event?

Go on, you know you need a new frock

Alexa808 · 03/04/2008 09:09

I agree with Madam Ch0let initially. It seems like Claire has made no effort whatsoever to talk to you about it, share the joy or keep in touch. Bein invited to the evening do may be because there's not enough space but clearly you're not a close friend anymore or you'd be at the wedding breakfast. I think the invitation was sent out a la: 'Oh there's wsd, uhm, yeah...evening. Cannot write nothing at all...'

If you have to go, by all means, do as Madamez tells you and do not hound Claire down. Be polite and kind, congratulate, have a drink and toast them, then re-connect with friends, be charming, then leave at an appropriate time, 9-10pm or so. Don't pester her with phone calls. I had a friend who I broke with and she kept ringing and asking and pleading, when all I wanted was her to leave me alone but I was too cowardly to say it like it was.

Original poster

warmsummersday · 03/04/2008 09:30

Some very useful info here. I do think if I go I will feel very left out but I would never bring the whole thing up on her wedding day, I have more respect than that! But then if I don't go I know I will beat myself up!

OP posts:

Miaou · 03/04/2008 09:35

warmsummersday, I have friends like that. I'm always the person to make contact, they never ring me, or call me back if I leave a message. But tbh I just put it down to a combination of them being very busy and our lives having moved on in slightly different directions (I moved to Scotland so don't/can't see them regularly). I stopped bothering to try last year (had a very bad year and didn't have the strength to put any effort in). One friend eventually got in touch, the other two I still haven't spoken to now in two years. But hey ho, that's life.

Go, enjoy seeing your other friends, treat Claire as casually as she is treating you (I don't mean that nastily, I just mean don't be stressy about it), and just accept that maybe she has moved on and that it really isn't personal.

MrsTittleMouse · 03/04/2008 09:38

Oh, it's so easy to be offended by these things. I was invited to the evening only by someone who I thought was a good friend. I lived 4000 miles away from the wedding! So not really likely that I would be able to arrange it, and I was a bit miffed. Who knows what is going through someone else's mind though? It's all blown over for me now.
I once read something very wise "never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity". DH and I use it as our motto.

Cappuccino · 03/04/2008 09:42

no I have to say I'm with MadameCholet

friends shouldn't make you feel like this, deliberately or not

cornsilk · 03/04/2008 09:44

If you know you will beat yourself up by not going then you should go. Look at it as an opportunuty to catch up with your other friends. At the moment your friendship with Claire is probably 'on hold' - doesn't mean you won't become close again in the future.

BalloonSlayer · 03/04/2008 09:49

I wonder if it's got something to do with you being the only one with children.

Some people either resent their mates for having children before them (ie she may have been "the one who wanted children" when you were at school), or feel that they have fallen down their friend's priority list in favour of the children - which is of course as it should be!

She may feel that you have been wrapped up in your kids and not interested enough in her life in the past . . . very well, she will punish you by leaving you out of this special time of hers.

Well, she's only human. I would agree with the others that you should go anyway. If anyone throws the friendship away, make sure it's not you.

Oh yes and the other thing it could be is that they don't want children at the ceremony and are afraid of causing offence by stipulating that on the invitation, and are therefore trying to avoid the issue entirely.

Cappuccino · 03/04/2008 10:03

Balloon is right

but in that case you need to junk the friends who aren't interested in your kids; I strongly believe this

if they aren't interested in your children then they aren't interested in your life. Real friends should have been running round to coo and bring little gifts, not ignoring you

sorry but I wouldn't waste the effort

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