Husband opened his own bank account

[Bluecathy]

So this is a very long story.

I've been with my husband for 25 years. We have 7 children, the youngest is 8 years old.
Throughout our marriage there alhave been numerous occasions where he has been unfaithful but I forgave him.
Up until last year when I decided enough was enough as we were basically two strangers living in the same house. We haven't had sex for about 3 years and id had enough.
I'd tried on many occasions to talk to try and fix things but he didn't care.
I started seeing someone else as I was so lonely and I told my husband about it pretty much straight away.
That kind of fizzled out and I still live with my husband. We have even Bern getting on a little better - until this morning.
He was due to be paid today and we have a joint bank account. Except the money hasn't gone in and we have bills going out.
I phoned him straight away because I didn't want for us to go overdrawn and he told me that it's gone into his account and he would transfer some money over!
I'm in Utter shock. I don't work as I'm a carer for our autistic child so I've not got my own independent income and I feel sick with worry now. Most of things that go out are debts that he has run up but now I feel like I'm being punished for daring to seek the comfort that he denied me or sought elsewhere.
I've been totally blindsided. I need to talk to him calmly about this but I just feel sick.
Any advice on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated xx

Goodness me, I don’t like to sound judgemental but this doesn’t sound like a healthy functioning relationship with me.
On the surface of it I’m all for having separate bank accounts, dh and I do. We have a joint one we get paid into and then bills money is left in there and everything else is transferred over to various savings accounts and our own personal spending accounts.
But this has all been discussed in advance and we’re both happy with the arrangement.
What your dh has done is very different and I’d be concerned about why he’s done that.
I can’t believe you’ve forgiven multiple previous affairs and now you’ve had one yourself.
What message are your 7 children getting about what a relationship is?

It sounds as though your marriage is over and him opening his own bank account is the start of him separating finances.

But you’re separated.

He’s had an affair, you openly started seeing someone else last year, it makes sense for the finances to be separated now.

In fact if you’d posted about his affairs before you yourself had one, posters would have told you to open your own bank account and to start separating finances.

The history of the marriage aside here, in this regard he hasn’t done anything wrong.

OP, something doesn’t add up!

This.

Sort your own finances too, if you can and be prepared.

Sounds like he's decided to change things and possibly leave.

I don't think your situation can continue the same forever, so maybe it would be for the best if he is?

Probably good idea to have a chat with a solicitor about divorce.

You have both been unfaithful.

You feel he doesn't emotionally support you.

He is probably taking steps to end the marriage which sounds like it has been dead for some time.

You should probably prepare yourself for divorce.

Sorry.

Echo all of the above. I don't know why you're so shocked as it sounds like you've been living separate lives for a long time...

I would start looking into getting a divorce ASAP as this is only heading one way now.

It’s time to get your ducklings in a row. You might have been ‘getting on better’ because he’s made decisions about his future that don’t include you.

Living apart would be better for your DC than living in a sham marriage where you both sleep with other people but no longer have sex together. With 7 DC you'd probably be able to get loads of benefits. If your youngest is 8 I think you'd be expected to work some hours though because even though one of your DC is autistic they are most likely at school for at least 6 hours a day. Unless he wants 50/50 joint care he will have to pay you maintenance. It would be useful for you to find out how much you'd be entitled to if he left you.

What did you expect to happen? You must have thought he might leave if I have a affair

Nothing to lose by getting divorced I'd say. Where's the benefit of carrying on? You've got at least 10 years more CM payments due from him, plus house equity and carers allowance to tide you over. You might even find you end up better off than have been, if he keeps making debts.

Depends if the debts are joint credit cards and loans then both will be liable even if only the DH has spent the money

I’m not sure why you’re in shock but I’d try and see that aside and start to get practical as that’s what he’s doing. You need a divorce, a lawyer, to pick through the debt stuff, the benefits you get/could get. The marriage has been dead for ages, start writing lists of what you need to do.

Nothing odd here, he is separating finances. Open yourself a solo account pronto. If debts have been run up in his name, you could cancel the DDs from the joint account 🤷🏽‍♀️

BUT ... instead

I suggest you both sit down calmly, agree the fact that the marriage is over, take away the drama and work through finances, children and separation in an adult and level headed way, without recriminations. However much you hate him or the situation.

It will save you a packet of grief and cost in the longer term.

You need to formally separate even if you're still living in the same house for now. Discuss divorcing amicably and how the bills will be paid in the meantime. (Are the bills in his name?) Separate to the bills he will owe child maintenance. Work out what that is and see if he will pay voluntarily or if you have to put in a claim. Enquire about benefits too - if you are formally financially separated you can probably start a claim. Please be proactive as at the moment you're entirely reliant on his goodwill which might come and go.

Except that they are still married and have been for 25 years (long marriage) and legally finances and assets in a marriage are joint assets.

OP seek legal advice from a divorce solicitor. This may be the beginning of his attempting to assert financial control over you, which, in a marriage, is illegal. If you begin divorce proceedings then there will be discussions about financial settlement further down the line. He doesn't get to call the shots here. Get legal advice.

He can change his bank account details with his payroll dept though. Marriage doesn’t prevent someone from doing that. I don’t think the op said he has moved savings from their joint account.

It's not about him merely changing his bank ac details with his payroll department though is it? They've (presumably always) had a joint account, that's the way finances have worked in their 25 year marriage. He knows the OP is financially dependent on him yet he's suddently and unilaterally decided to open a seprate bank account and OP now has to ask him for money? They are still married, as far as we know neither party has initiated divorce proceedings, so for him to make that decision without any discussion with OP is, after 25 years of marriage, odd. I'd be seeking legal advice asap OP.

sorry, that's @Mockingjay123

I suspect he has done that because op had an affair. Yes, he has also been unfaithful throughout the marriage but two wrongs rarely make a right. Perhaps the recent affair and the problems that already existed in the marriage have led to the realisation that the relationship is over. Opening your own bank account is just the first step to separating from a spouse financially ( for those who don’t already have their own account). I’m sure ops solicitor will advise her to do the same when she has an appt.

You need to get legal advice op.

You should get divorced as this relationship sounds totally toxic amd not good for your children.

Your marriage is over and still living together isn’t healthy for your children. You are given them warped ideas and examples of healthy and happy relationships.

your husband is starting to sort himself out financially for a proper separation. You need to get yourself sorted too and you need to start planning to live separately.

Affairs on both sides and the marriage pretty much over, yes of course separating bank accounts is one of the steps as divorce proceedings are initiated. But the normal, adult thing to do is to have a discussion, or at least mention it to OP, not blindside her by simply failing to put pay money into the joint account and watching to see her reaction. This is not the action of a nice person, especially given the circumstances of a long marriage, 7 children which the OP stayed at home to raise and a disabled child for whom she is now caring.

So don't you get any benefits OP ?

What money is now going into the account that services all the household bills?