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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving Partner of 22 years

14 replies

Unhappysugar · 07/05/2024 07:01

am looking for advice.
After 22 years I am serious about leaving my partner. I have not been fully happy for at least 10 years. I remember going on holiday, 10 years ago and being utterly miserable. In the past he has been possessive, abusive and accused me of things I have never done. He has calmed down in the last few years, but every time I do something for myself ie, go out with friends I am paranoid and feel like I have to go home early, or pretend I have had a miserable night, due to how he used to be. I feel I live my life for everyone else, to make them happy. I no longer fancy my husband, but have sex with him to keep him happy and stop him being moody around the house, both with me and our 4 children. I am starting to dread being at home with him, and prefer going to work. I have recently begun a friendship with another man, nothing intimate has happened, just talking, but I have feeling for him, and he has them for me. He tells me he will wait for me. I am stuck between doing the right thing and making myself happy.
my partner is not a bad man, and I am scared of breaking his heart and how he will react. I just know that deep down I am not happy.

OP posts:
Mensuckbigtime · 07/05/2024 07:05

Unhappysugar · 07/05/2024 07:01

am looking for advice.
After 22 years I am serious about leaving my partner. I have not been fully happy for at least 10 years. I remember going on holiday, 10 years ago and being utterly miserable. In the past he has been possessive, abusive and accused me of things I have never done. He has calmed down in the last few years, but every time I do something for myself ie, go out with friends I am paranoid and feel like I have to go home early, or pretend I have had a miserable night, due to how he used to be. I feel I live my life for everyone else, to make them happy. I no longer fancy my husband, but have sex with him to keep him happy and stop him being moody around the house, both with me and our 4 children. I am starting to dread being at home with him, and prefer going to work. I have recently begun a friendship with another man, nothing intimate has happened, just talking, but I have feeling for him, and he has them for me. He tells me he will wait for me. I am stuck between doing the right thing and making myself happy.
my partner is not a bad man, and I am scared of breaking his heart and how he will react. I just know that deep down I am not happy.

Do the right thing and end your relationship.
Yes, he will be upset, but trust me, if you start having an affair with this other man and your partner finds out, he will be hurt so much more.

From what you've said, you're relationship is beyond repair.
Do the right thing

travelforthesoul · 07/05/2024 07:08

get out of this awful relationship. It's been over for a while.

Original poster
Unhappysugar · 07/05/2024 10:51

Thanku both for ur advice. I am just scared which I guess is a totally normal reaction. I know deep down I do not want to be in the same situation in another 10 years x

OP posts:
Parisian21 · 11/10/2024 01:34

Sharing many of these feelings…you describe mostly what I’m going through right now. Also been with DH 22 years, we have 2 DC.
May I ask how are you now OP? Have you made any changes?
I am going through councelling as I’ve hit breaking point and after long talks with DH we are trying to repair the damage. I don’t think my DH realised how unhappy I have been, I feel I clam up when trying to communicate and express my feelings. It is difficult as I know I love him and he loves me, just so much abuse and resentment there to deal with.

AyeupDuck · 11/10/2024 02:34

Leave. Yet under no circumstances start another relationship for a while with anyone.

Sjdjb · 11/10/2024 02:41

What questions do you have? You’ve clearly decided it’s over.
Agree with PP that you need to separate out this new relationship from the old one. People who have affairs generally reframe their current relationship as terrible to self justify their actions. Would you honestly be thinking about separating if you hadn’t met him?

Practical stuff? Assume not married. How old are DC? Can you afford to house and support them all by yourself? What is current partner likely to want regarding custody or living arrangements?

RichPetunia · 11/10/2024 02:42

I was in a long term relationship for over 20 years and was miserable for a great deal of that time. I've been away now for eight years and am so much happier. I am on my own and do not intend to have another relationship.
Don't know how your new relationship is working out but it's wise to take it very slowly (if at all 🤣), before jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
Life is too short to be miserable. Strive for happiness and make the change now.

Sjdjb · 11/10/2024 02:43

Just realised this is 5 months old!

Guavafish1 · 11/10/2024 02:45

leave

but beware the grass is not always greener with OM.

Parisian21 · 11/10/2024 18:34

I just wondered if the OP was able to see this and comment on how things are for them now as I’m currently going through similar, no affair but have been having thoughts and liking someone, it’s not an emotional affair if I haven’t disclosed any feelings and don’t flirt with this person right? This other person is in a long term relationship also and there’s been no advances on their part, which I’m glad about, maybe a glance here and there and a bit of tension which makes me feel a bit awkward and anxious and relate to feeling guilty. If I was to separate from DH I don’t think I’d be on for a relationship for quite some time anyway, as I feel a bit broken right now.

Original poster
Unhappysugar · 11/10/2024 20:57

I am Parisian 21 I am op. I did leave my partner. It’s hasn’t been easy. It’s has resulted in him having a non molestation order and being charged with stalking by the police. He made my life hell for months, and still breaks his non mol. He still tries to turn my children against me and he is very emotionally manipulative with them and we are currently going through family court re this.
I still am in contact with the man, we are taking things slowly, but we are happy together. It has not been easy for him, my ex partner has been to his work several times and verbally abused him, been aggressive at one point even took one of my children with him to witness this. But my new friend shall we call him has stayed by me.
I had not been happy in my relationship for a long long time and guess I just needed a push to realise there was another world out there.
Just make sure you make the right choice, u will know deep down what is right for you.

OP posts:
Andwhatfreshhellisthis · 11/10/2024 21:08

Unhappysugar · 11/10/2024 20:57

I am Parisian 21 I am op. I did leave my partner. It’s hasn’t been easy. It’s has resulted in him having a non molestation order and being charged with stalking by the police. He made my life hell for months, and still breaks his non mol. He still tries to turn my children against me and he is very emotionally manipulative with them and we are currently going through family court re this.
I still am in contact with the man, we are taking things slowly, but we are happy together. It has not been easy for him, my ex partner has been to his work several times and verbally abused him, been aggressive at one point even took one of my children with him to witness this. But my new friend shall we call him has stayed by me.
I had not been happy in my relationship for a long long time and guess I just needed a push to realise there was another world out there.
Just make sure you make the right choice, u will know deep down what is right for you.

Good luck and report the non molestation order violations and evidence them every single time to the police

Parisian21 · 11/10/2024 21:34

Oh my goodness unhappysugar i am so sorry to hear how he is behaving and treating you even worse than when you were together! He sounds really nasty. You really have made the best decision for you and your DC, just keep being brave and getting the support you need to see you through, I’m glad to hear your friend is there for you and cares about you.

I am still undecided as DH says he will go to councelling and after some talking together I’m starting to feel a bit happier.
You said he’s not a bad man in your OP, do you think it was because you were under his control that kept him happy? Then as soon as he realised you’re leaving he’s went all nasty and bitter? I am trying to decide if I’m being emotionally abused or if it’s just me taking things the wrong way etc etc . I do wonder if my DH would behave like if we ever broke up…

I hope things will be better for you soon, you’re so brave and I think you sound happier without him.

Original poster
Unhappysugar · 12/10/2024 07:49

I think I was under his control for such a long time. I have definitely seen his true colours since leaving.

i think of you are feeling happier with DH then maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel. But if u feel he may be abusive in anyway, keep an eye on it. Never doubt yourself x

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