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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH doesn't like me; not sure I have energy to fix

12 replies

FedUp2024 · 07/05/2024 00:14

DH, married 6y, disagrees with every opinion, huffs and puffs over everything I do, and instantly zones out - usually to his bff the iPhone - if I try to share anything about my day, my feelings etc. But he also makes a fuss about how he's not listened to or respected enough in the house, including by 2xteenage DDs. Sometimes I swallow my natural inclination to tell him to stop being a giant baby and I think about playing the game, saying the right things to soothe his ego and make life a bit smoother in the household. But more and more I just simply can't be bothered to muster the energy for that fakery, and feel like the idea that anyone should just give me respect and attention just for being me is a concept totally alien to most women, but always expected by men.
He insists he loves me more than anything, but the evidence for that is zero. No affection; always on his phone. He only wants sex if his libido tells him (rarely) and never because he's actually attracted to me. He has no intention of changing or ending the relationship but it feels really pointless to me. Not really asking for actions from the group, just wondering what others experiences are like of partners who don't remember why they liked you in the first place 😆

OP posts:
Efh · 07/05/2024 00:21

No joint kids?
get rid of him

FedUp2024 · 07/05/2024 00:35

Efh · 07/05/2024 00:21

No joint kids?
get rid of him

Love the brutal frankness of mumsnetters 😆 Yes, that is one option on my list. Another is to drop his iPhone in the waste disposal and see if its spell will be broken and he'll wake up and be present in the house again.

OP posts:
MumChp · 07/05/2024 07:08

FedUp2024 · 07/05/2024 00:35

Love the brutal frankness of mumsnetters 😆 Yes, that is one option on my list. Another is to drop his iPhone in the waste disposal and see if its spell will be broken and he'll wake up and be present in the house again.

@FedUp2024

He will buy another one. Simple as that.
Try couples' therapy if you want a go for a future with him. If not start preparing for a life on your own.

DixonD · 07/05/2024 07:16

He sounds just like my husband OP! No advice as I don’t know what to do either. It’s not that simple as just leaving - we have financial ties that stretch beyond your normal mortgage etc., a young child and we work together.

FedUp2024 · 07/05/2024 09:38

DixonD · 07/05/2024 07:16

He sounds just like my husband OP! No advice as I don’t know what to do either. It’s not that simple as just leaving - we have financial ties that stretch beyond your normal mortgage etc., a young child and we work together.

😞🫂

OP posts:
EsmeT · 07/05/2024 09:42

I am living this life as well. Can't leave because of a young child and finances.

category12 · 07/05/2024 09:43

Do you remember what you liked about him?

Sounds dead in the water.

theansweris42 · 07/05/2024 09:55

OP I have a carbon copy.
So similar (I have 2 teen DS though rather than DDs).
He's leaving as I am "focusing too much on the boys". Ffs. They are his stepsons.
Honestly I wouldn't have predicted this as he said he was so "in love" with me. Until he wasn't.
I'm sad but for the relationship it could have been...if he was the bloke I thought/he said he was. I was thinking all that you describe in your OP and if he hadn't ended it, I would have. I guess I was still trying to improve things...been married 8 years, I'll struggle financially for a while (scary) but my DSs and I will be much happier.
So, solidarity.
Reflect on what's actually best for you and your DDs.

FedUp2024 · 07/05/2024 16:23

theansweris42 · 07/05/2024 09:55

OP I have a carbon copy.
So similar (I have 2 teen DS though rather than DDs).
He's leaving as I am "focusing too much on the boys". Ffs. They are his stepsons.
Honestly I wouldn't have predicted this as he said he was so "in love" with me. Until he wasn't.
I'm sad but for the relationship it could have been...if he was the bloke I thought/he said he was. I was thinking all that you describe in your OP and if he hadn't ended it, I would have. I guess I was still trying to improve things...been married 8 years, I'll struggle financially for a while (scary) but my DSs and I will be much happier.
So, solidarity.
Reflect on what's actually best for you and your DDs.

Sorry to hear your DH has also given you this 'but what about me?' stuff re your children. So many seem to start out claiming we are equal partners and, shortly after, want us to be their mothers instead. It's a sense of entitlement ("I deserve for everyone to put my feelings first") that is hard, if not impossible, to get past.

OP posts:
Dory007 · 07/05/2024 16:47

This sounds just like me really, and I’m sick of it too, if it’s any consolation. I’ve been with my DP for nearly 6 years, but the last 12+ months have been awful. He barely talks to me, he never bothers to call me or text me while we are both at work, and when he comes home, he’s just glued to his tv or his phone, or usually both. There’s no conversation unless I make it, he’s very snappy, never really asks how I am, how my day has been and so on, and it’s really getting me down. He was great when I first met him, and for a long time after, I just don’t know what his issue is. I get his job is stressful but that’s not my fault and I do everything I can to try to make his life easier and better. People don’t change for the better would be my advice; things often just get worse. You’re not the only one in this nasty little boat, however. Sometimes I think I could just leave one day and would be even be bothered? Would he even notice? Would he even be remotely upset? It’s a sad little life sometimes, huh. 😓

Seas164 · 07/05/2024 16:52

Leave him. I'm presuming they're your DD's not his? But either way, show them how you deal with someone who demonstrates daily they don't give a shit about you. He won't leave, you're washing his socks, so you can either sit in this until one of you croaks it, or decide you would like to choose differently for yourself.

FedUp2024 · 07/05/2024 22:03

Dory007 · 07/05/2024 16:47

This sounds just like me really, and I’m sick of it too, if it’s any consolation. I’ve been with my DP for nearly 6 years, but the last 12+ months have been awful. He barely talks to me, he never bothers to call me or text me while we are both at work, and when he comes home, he’s just glued to his tv or his phone, or usually both. There’s no conversation unless I make it, he’s very snappy, never really asks how I am, how my day has been and so on, and it’s really getting me down. He was great when I first met him, and for a long time after, I just don’t know what his issue is. I get his job is stressful but that’s not my fault and I do everything I can to try to make his life easier and better. People don’t change for the better would be my advice; things often just get worse. You’re not the only one in this nasty little boat, however. Sometimes I think I could just leave one day and would be even be bothered? Would he even notice? Would he even be remotely upset? It’s a sad little life sometimes, huh. 😓

Hugs. Yeah, I could definitely be gone a couple of days before he looked up.

OP posts:
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