Told me to give my food to his mum

[butterflywingss]

I am currently pregnant and have been feeling unwell and also really struggling with food etc. My dh decided to invite his mum & nephew over to stay for 4 days (I could have done with no visitors). Yesterday I was quite hungry while at church and after service they were providing snacks. I lined up and got myself a muffin and he also got himself something (which I didn't even see him get) His dm was not in sight at that time and then when we got to her, my DH was eating away at his food and turns to me in front of his mum and goes "Can you give that to my mum" as I was taking a bite and he turns again and goes to me, " why are you not giving it to her, you eat all the time". I was left shocked tbh and I still haven't spoken with him since.

I messaged him while we were walking and addressed that a man to ask his pregnant wife to give her food to his mum while eating away at his own, is absolutely vile.

He has now blamed me for "ruining" his time with them and takes 0 accountability and has yet to apologise or realise how much he's hurt me.

When his mum got here, we were all talking and he was about to say something but my other DC started crying so I politely paused the convo and when I got back, I said "sorry what were you going to say" and he goes " don't interrupt I am talking with my mum now".

I don't know where this disgusting behaviour is coming from, and frankly he is making me want to pack up and leave his sad ass.

I am more venting here because I have no one to tell and I can't get over how he has treated me the last 4 days in particular.

Yes, every pregnancy he had caused me stress and upset and after having the babies. Anytime I am most vulnerable he attacks me. Surprisingly his attitude towards this baby has been positive but what kind of man causes hurt to the mother of his child especially when she's more vulnerable.

I actually think he's quite narcissistic but I could be wrong and he hates when I say it to him. For example, he will treat me to nice things and spoil me with material stuff but when I ask for the bare minimum i.e. respect and communication he huffs and puffs and says to choose between nice things or him being more emotional. Honestly he leaves me without words sometimes. Or he references that it's a women thing to want to be emotional and that I don't know anything and no other guys act how I mention a man should be for his family.

You have the get out of jail card in your hands, love.

He has treated you horribly, and it's not a new thing. He's behaving like this because he doesn't like you, let alone love you, and has no respect for himself or for you. You can't change him. This is who he is he doesn't need a serious wake-up call.

He needs his bags packed and the locks changed. It's your house. You can do this.

He can go home to him mother and share his own muffins with her.

Life with your young children will be far less stressful without this loser in your life, treating you like shit in your own house.

Is your culture faith-based, and how would the faith community react to you leaving him? Would they support you or not? These things can be very difficult.

Someone who is an incorrigible abuser, that's who.

It's a huge red flag that he is extra horrible when you're pregnant and have a baby.

Don't hold out for a change in this man, @butterflywingss . There is nothing you can do to change him. No wake up call. No loving gesture or loving words on your part. Nothing.

Yes, he's a narcissist.

Stop talking to him about it. It's fuel for him because he knows he's getting under your skin.

He's deliberately withholding what you want from you, and giving you stuff instead, so that (1) he'll be able to feel like the good guy, so generous, so thoughtful, and (2) you're an ungrateful bitch who is never happy no matter what he does.

butterflywingss · Today 20:53
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No but the house as I live in, belongs to me anyway and if he left I would be financially ok just may not have too much of extra income for non essential stuff”

There’s your answer.
Try very hard to imagine the rest of your life with him. Then without him. I’d be willing to put money on which will result in an happier you/children.

Please don’t tolerate this behaviour.

Not faith based but a strong culture mentality where women don't leave their marriages because of the stigma attached. For example, my uncle is a cheater and abuser to his now ex-wife and after 30 years she left, but she's somehow to blame. If I left for the reasons I am sharing I don't think I'll have support tbh and even my family would think I made a mistake. His mum is very faith based and just tells me to pray for him but I broke down in tears yesterday and said your son is breaking me, it's really difficult to live a life with someone like this.

Some men make themselves feel bigger by putting down the women on their lives. The irony being, of course, that you can’t get more vulnerable and less able to protect yourself than a pregnant mother of small children.

He’s pathetic. Just a small little man, trying to throw his weight around.

Kick him out. Don’t let your children learn this is how to be a husband, a father, a son (because they will if this is what they see). He won’t stop, so you’ll have to stop him.

Sorry you’re having to deal with this.

& that is the sad reality.

I have girls and I am always telling him that he is setting a bad example of a man and that if/when my girls get married, would he accept their husbands to treat them how he treats me. I am 200% sure the answer is no. However, my oldest is very attached to him and even when we argue she thinks I am the bad one and I am the problem because he makes me shout while he quietly violates my emotions. It's actually a sad reality and it breaks me to pieces that my girls can't look at my mum and dad and be like yep that is what I want for me, when I don't even want it for me when it's like this. Makes me resent him even more.

Mummy’s boys do not make good partners, as you are now realising. Largely because they take their repressed mummy-pleasing anger and hurl it at you.

It’s not given that if you separate your eldest daughter won’t have a close relationship with her dad.

Your separation would be of two adults. Sure the kids would see him less, but whatever time they do have with him won’t be shared with you and won’t be spent watching him do this to their mum. He can focus on them, they on him.

Don’t read too much into your daughter blaming you for the strife. Most likely, she just wants it to go away and you standing up for yourself is what is causing the problems in her eyes. She’ll know when she’s older. But only if you show her an alternative. Else she will internalise what she’s seeing and either turn out like him - treating her partner with disdain, looking down on him/her - or like you, accepting it.

He sounds really vile. When a woman is pregnant she is at her most vulnerable and it almost sounds like he enjoys causing you distress. I can tell you OP I'd not put up with it. You get one life so you must make yourself happy. It sounds like he is not making you happy. If you have the house and enough money I'd ask him to leave. He'll still have to pay you maintenance for DC unless he will take them 50/50.

The "attachment" of your daughter and the fact that she sides with him is a sign that your daughter is being horribly affected by your partner's abuse of you.

You need to get him out of your lives and you need to get her into therapy. This is an urgent matter, @butterflywingss . He has messed her up.

Your daughter doesn't love him. She is afraid of the tyrant living in her home. She has decided to stay close to her enemy.

Call Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247.
Ask for help.

You have to get this man out.

Controlling! If this is new behaviour I'd be pulling him right up on that, personally I wouldn't take that in a relationship
I'd look him in the eyes and say darling why don't you get up off your ass and get your mum a muffin, kindly don't make decisions about my food again, ever!

@butterflywingss It's actually a sad reality and it breaks me to pieces that my girls can't look at my mum and dad and be like yep that is what I want for me, when I don't even want it for me when it's like this. Makes me resent him even more.

So leave him then!!!!! SHOW your daughter how not to tolerate behaviour like that! Because by staying, all you're doing is teaching her that his behaviour is ok because mummy stayed and put up with it! Whereas if you leave and your DD (god forbid) ends up in a situation like this, she'll think "if my mum had the strength to leave then so can I!"

Have you seen a solicitor? Would the house be a marital asset?

Leave before your daughters think that this is how women should be treated

Don't shout again at him. Lower your voice so it sounds like him being the shouty one. Play him at his own game. He is trying to make you sound like the shouty unhinged one infront of the dc

It is difficult to live in a community where a man's failings are said to be the woman's fault and responsibility, and she has to make the best of it.

Perhaps you need to consider whether that sort of community is where you want to be? You shouldn't have to suffer abuse and be in misery for the rest of your life because of other people's judgemental opinions. I wouldn't want to bring children up in a community like that.

Please call Women's Aid and find the strength to kick him out.
This is not a marriage.