Please handhold - divorcing H while abroad

[elmsandsky]

I had a thread on here recently about whether I should go back 'home' to the US to my unhappy marriage, or stay in the UK where i have been on a family visit. Main context: moved to US for DH job 2 years ago, not a great idea as our marriage has been very volatile with a few separations including as recent as January, DH and I unable to compromise on how to parent my child from a previous relationship, he is moody/sulky, we are both co-dependent which I think is the main reason we have stayed together, we are both depressed and he wants kids, I don't want kids with him. A lot of reasons why I just feel done.

Having been in the UK for 2 weeks now I am resolved not to return to our life. DH picked an argument with me over text last night and it felt like the last straw. The day i arrived back in the UK he got so drunk he passed out and injured himself and called me to tell me so, DC also heard it. His drinking is always linked with his stress/unhappiness. We just can't carry on - and yet I also know if I go back, I will not do anything, as it is just too hard when so far from family and home. I have had legal advice from a UK lawyer end of last week and DC is really happy where we are staying close to family, local (very good) primary school has a place. I have a lot of family support to make this transition easier on both of us. My job which is fully remote with a global company will transfer me to the UK. I even found a nice place to rent. Financially things will be OK, if not as easy as being married. DC will miss her friends, she only has a month left of school; I would take her back to finish out the school year but I cant imagine living with DH while going through divorce as he has a spiteful side, and I cant afford to rent somewhere separate anymore as this is the expensive season in our city back there.

I guess I am just asking for a hand hold. I keep going back to 'but DH will be so hurt'. I know it seems cruel, what I am going to do. But my mum keeps telling me to stop thinking of how it will hurt him and more about my and DC's future. It's not a good environment for DC because of our arguing and he is not a particularly good father figure/role model. I do know that. I know that returning to a dysfunctional marriage is not the right thing for either of us.

But just taking that hurdle, of instructing the lawyer to file- it feels so terrifying. The idea that everything is about to change. The idea of hurting him. Even if it is for the best. How do you manage it? Am I doing something unforgivable? I feel like this is the only option left for me.

Lis to your mum, she's right!
This will hurt, but that will pass and you really do have to think about the future rather than the immediate time.
You've made great strides in such a short period. This are coming together, take the opportunities presented to you.
Stay strong OP. You've got this!

Am I doing something unforgivable? - what would be unforgivable would be to stay with a man who doesn't treat your child the way he should.
He will be fine and so will you in time ,just look to the future you and your child will have free of arguments and hassle.
You are in a fantastic position , number one is thankfully he is not your child's father, you have a good job and a supportive family everything you need for a fresh start to your new lives .
You have one life seize the moment and apart from yourself look forward to the happy life your child deserves.

It's an unhealthy relationship for both of you - you're doing him a favour by having the guts to end it. You want different things out of life and you're freeing him to pursue them.

Of course ending it is painful and heartbreaking, most break-ups are, but ultimately, you'll both be happier.

You can't stay because you're scared of being the "bad guy".

Is it safe for you to go back OP? I only ask because of his unpredictable behaviour while drinking and how this could escalate if he knows you want a divorce.

I have been in a DV relationship so perhaps my perspective is skewed but I would be extremely reluctant to stay under the same roof as man who behaves like this in a country where guns are so freely available. I’m sorry if this sounds dramatic but please do take steps to keep yourself safe even if you feel it’s not necessary.

You are doing absolutely the right thing, please try and hold on to that. You and your DC deserve better.

I wouldn't take her back to finish the year. Couldn't she start immediately at the school? It would give her friends over the summer holidays. I feel going back might rebound on you. He doesn't sound very stable

This is the thing @Arguare . I fear that if I go back and try and sort this more 'compassionately' eg. letting DC say her goodbyes/finish the school year, and talking to him in person, he will either guilt trip me or turn nasty. he has never been physical but he can be very spiteful including in front of her and he might throw me/us out (he has demanded i leave before) or just verbally abuse me which I am not strong enough for without family support. I feel so terrible- but what is telling is DC has not asked for him since being here 2 weeks, has not been bothered to talk to him etc, that is kind of a measure of their 'bond' I guess. My plan would be to take her back in June for a week when he is on a work trip abroad and she can see friends and pack up then, but I ideally want her to start school this summer term and get my rental in place and help her adjust and go back on 'holiday' kind of terms as opposed to giving her any illusions we are returning for good.Though i do think she should say goodbye to him, so maybe we would go May half term instead. Either way I am not cutting her off for good, but I think i need to establish a new life for us here, now.

DH is just none the wiser, he just sent me a text asking how I am, which makes me feel worse. But I still dont feel that I can go back to him. I'm just so unhappy, bored and trapped, when we are not full on arguing.

I never expected divorce to feel so hard, it has broguht up a lot with my parents messy divorce when I was a kid. But it almost feels like i have to steel myself and get through it - does that make sense? Like I just have to deal with it and keep going anyway.

What's cruel is getting shitfaced and phoning your wife and her child whilst they're visiting family thousands of miles away claiming that you've hurt yourself. It's emotional terrorism.

In comparison, notifying the terrorist of intent to divorce is nothing.

Get through this bit and you can block him completely. No more attempting to control you, no more attempting to control your child, no more blackmail, no more spite, no more abuse.