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Original poster

My sister is the OW and I’m not sure what to do

77 replies

Namechange420666 · 06/05/2024 18:26

Title says it all really, but I will provide some background information.
My sister is 35, I am 25. I am closer to my brothers, but when I was young she used to babysit me a lot and often took care of me (paid), so we are kind of close. Probably a bit closer than average siblings with a big age gap. I love my sister dearly, but she can be difficult. She’s always had this thing about me being the favourite and my dad never loved her, and sometimes I get a bit sick of hearing about it. Other than that she’s overall a nice person (well I thought she was, this is making me question it.)
Today I went to lunch with her. She seemed excited and happy which was great since she has been a bit down recently. She was telling me about her new boyfriend and all was good. I suggested she brings him to a party I’m hosting in June and then she told me she can’t because of who he is. Long story short he is someone who works for our brother who is married.
I don’t know his wife super well but I know her a bit. My SIL is pretty good friend with her as well.
I didn’t really dig around about how this happened or anything because I was in shock. I told her she needs to stop this before it’s too late (I actually think it’s already too late if I’m honest) and left. She has tried calling me but I don’t want to talk to her. I wish she had never told me. I also think it’s really fucked up because she seemed almost happy about it? I am really unsure what to do because while I am not friends with this woman, but I feel really bad for her. This is out of character for my sister, so out of character that part of me wondered if she is having some kind of mental health episode? But I think that’s probably just me trying to make excuses for her. I also don’t want my SIL to hate me when/if this all comes out because I really like her.
The only other person I’ve told is my partner, and to be honest I didn’t really want to tell him I just ended up telling him because when I came home he knew something was wrong. He says I should stay out of it and that I should just wash my hands of my sister for a while at least.
I kind of just need to vent because I’m freaking out but if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it.

OP posts:
GoldHag · 06/05/2024 20:20

Anna runkle the crappy childhood fairy has a good video on youtube about why a less than perfect childhood sets you up to be the side chick

ajandjjmum · 06/05/2024 20:43

I wonder if you could approach the MM and suggest that he ends the relationship pronto - telling your DS that he's seen the error of his ways - otherwise you might have to share your knowledge with your brother and his wife?

Probably a stupid idea, but I'd be tempted.

DrJoanAllenby · 06/05/2024 20:57

I would be very disappointed and angry if either of my two sisters ever had an affair with a married man.

It's not about being g tolerant or judgemental it's knowing right from wrong and having morals.

Original poster
Namechange420666 · 06/05/2024 20:57

So an update:
My sister rang my partners phone because I’ve not answered mine. She was frantically asking to speak to me and he told her I don’t want to talk and that I will call her when I’m ready after our holiday (we are going on holiday on Wednesday). He was a bit snappy, but he wasn’t shouting or anything like that. She texted me saying he was aggressive and that she’s worried for me. I did reply to that and say I am fine and that he wasn’t aggressive (I could hear him on the phone). I also told her I’ve not told anyone and that I don’t want to speak to her right now, I just want to relax and go on my holiday. I said she deserves better than a married man, and to really think about the impact this could have on everyone. Her comments about being worried for me annoyed me because she’s not worried for me, she’s worried I’m going to go rouge and tell someone. Whatever I decide to do if anything me and my partner have agreed this is not coming on holiday with us. As soon as the plane takes off no more stressing till it lands. Probably easier said than done, but that’s the goal.

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 06/05/2024 21:19

So she’s acting as if your husband is dangerous to deflect from her own bad behavior? That’s really messed up. Guaranteed she’s going to repeat this to someone else.

Trulyme · 06/05/2024 21:23

She’s not the sharpest is she.

He is not her boyfriend, she is just someone he is shagging along with other women too I suspect.

The fact that she thinks he is her boyfriend is weird and quite childish.

I understand why you can’t deal with her right now but I would be asking why if he’s her ‘boyfriend’, why is he still with the wife.

She needs to be told she’s being played like a fool and if he genuinely liked her then he would leave his wife.

I’m sure he’s told her the old story of how they’re only living together but aren’t in a relationship, they don’t have sex, only staying for the kids, he’s planning to move out soon, he’s only keeping her a secret for the kids sake etc etc.

hot2trotter · 06/05/2024 21:42

I think you need to get a life. It's none of your business really so you don't need to "do" anything.

category12 · 06/05/2024 21:47

Namechange420666 · 06/05/2024 20:57

So an update:
My sister rang my partners phone because I’ve not answered mine. She was frantically asking to speak to me and he told her I don’t want to talk and that I will call her when I’m ready after our holiday (we are going on holiday on Wednesday). He was a bit snappy, but he wasn’t shouting or anything like that. She texted me saying he was aggressive and that she’s worried for me. I did reply to that and say I am fine and that he wasn’t aggressive (I could hear him on the phone). I also told her I’ve not told anyone and that I don’t want to speak to her right now, I just want to relax and go on my holiday. I said she deserves better than a married man, and to really think about the impact this could have on everyone. Her comments about being worried for me annoyed me because she’s not worried for me, she’s worried I’m going to go rouge and tell someone. Whatever I decide to do if anything me and my partner have agreed this is not coming on holiday with us. As soon as the plane takes off no more stressing till it lands. Probably easier said than done, but that’s the goal.

Crikey, you're making a drama out of this.

RawBloomers · 06/05/2024 22:11

I generally think you should be supportive of friends in relationships with someone having an affair because they're probably not in the best of places and need some support to start valuing themselves more.

But it's really shitty of her to tell you when it's someone you know, and is connected to you via your BiL and SiL. And then the deflecting by trying to make out she was worried about you and unfairly accusing your partner of being "aggressive" to her is pretty nasty. It's one thing to support a friend (or sister) without being judgmental, it's another to let her run through your life to please herself without a care for how things might impact you.

Ignoring and enjoying your holiday sounds like a good idea. When you get back it hopefully won't feel so pressing, but I would, in any case, seriously reconsider how much contact you want with your sister.

Rollinroller · 06/05/2024 22:43

Your partner should have handed the phone over to you, not been snappy with her, that’s just unecessary. All you “need to do” is tell your sister that you are worried about her, that you don’t feel comfortable talking about the relationship but you will be there for her if needed.

I wouldn’t be thrilled if one of my sisters was doing this but I certainly wouldn’t do anything that would have consequences for her, they will come soon enough either way.

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 06/05/2024 22:51

All sounds a bit fatal attractioney...

SunflowerTed · 06/05/2024 22:55

You don’t need to do anything. You seem to be enjoying your power. Stay out of it and concentrate on your own life. Whatever your sister does in her private life is up to her. A good sister would just be supportive and hope her fling fizzles out. Stop with the power trip

strangewomenlyinginponds · 06/05/2024 22:58

Absolutely fine to judge, literally everyone does, it's how we stay safe. Puts you in a shitty position when people close to you behave unethically. Others can judge you for knowing now too. She shouldn't have told you.

Unethical people have a way of tainting those around them. Sorry she's dumped you in a grubby situation. I'd stay clear for now.

MissTrip82 · 06/05/2024 22:59

Cut the drama and just be there for her when it falls over. No silent treatment, no silly forcing your husband to be the midlde
man dramatically announcing you don’t want to talk.

It’s actually really sad to hear that someone is excited about a ‘boyfriend’ and actually it’s a married man.

Also doesn’t sound out of character at all -
you’ve described a woman who thinks she is competing with other women for the attention of men (your dad). This is what lots of OW are.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 06/05/2024 23:01

Enjoy your holiday, OP.Do just what you have said : leave it at the airport and fly away.

He probably will have dumped her by the time you get back, it all sounds a bit too ‘intense’ for a good outcome.

StaunchMomma · 06/05/2024 23:36

I just don't know why she's told you when she doesn't want DB to know - talk about dropping a tonne of shit on you and expecting you to just hold onto it!

She's put you in an awkward position, what with you knowing the wife a bit and your Sil being good friends with her.

I'm with you on the judgement, OP. There's noting worse than a woman who goes for a married man. Yes, of course he's shit as well and he's the married one yada yada, but it's just the lowest of the low, IMO.

I wouldn't want much to do with her at the moment either.

Dweetfidilove · 07/05/2024 01:16

You and your partner sound an equally dramatic pair.

I don’t need to agree with everything my sister does, but I need her to know I’m there for her through thick and thin.

I'd warn her about the pitfalls, but it wouldn’t change how I feel about her. And when it all goes to shit, I’m going to be there to support her.

jeaux90 · 07/05/2024 06:29

How are you making this about you?
Are you saying because you get anxiety about things people shouldn't tell you "hard" stuff.

That's eggshells right there.

Yes your sister is in a stupid situation, but I'd be reserving my ire for the MM who is probably spinning her some bullshit.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 07/05/2024 06:51

Oh dear, I presume the frantic calls are because she’s told the MM she’s told you and the reality of it all potentially blowing up in his face has hit. She probably wanted you to share her happiness and your reaction has made her realise you might not. They have now lost control of what happens- many affair couples hate the point other people find out and they go from controlling what’s going on to other people have influence.

from the MMs point of view, he’s potentially about to lose his job, or marriage, or both. His bit of fun might be about to come out into public and he may well have not chosen your sister.

id message her and say you aren’t going to think about it or talk about it with anyone until after your holiday.

Duh · 07/05/2024 09:20

Once you’re back from holiday I would contact your sister and say that you think being an affair partner is a shitty thing to do and you don’t want to have contact with her until it’s over.

I have discontinued friendships with friends who have knowingly and gleefully participated in affairs. It’s a horrible thing to do and demonstrates shitty and selfish morals so they’re no loss in my opinion.

I understand family is more difficult but I would just check out of any contact with her during this relationship and let her know why.

It’s very unlikely he will create a vacancy leave his wife for her.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 07/05/2024 09:43

Comtesse · 06/05/2024 19:11

Do not tell your brother - it’s no business of his what his employees do in their private lives. Your partner is right - think you need to stay out of it.

But the MM isn’t just an employee, they are family friends: the OP’s SIL is good friends with his wife.

And the OP’s sister is having an affair with her brother’s wife’s friend’s DH.

Sounds remote, until I think about who that would be in my own family, present at BBQ’s and get togethers… I know my ILs friends.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 07/05/2024 09:44

I would follow Lavender14’s advice.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 07/05/2024 09:49

(And in future, listen to what she says about her not being the favourite… ask her with an open mind about ways she felt ignored. You might learn something)

saraclara · 07/05/2024 10:06

Cut the drama and just be there for her when it falls over. No silent treatment, no silly forcing your husband to be the midldeman dramatically announcing you don’t want to talk.

All of that. Judge all you like, but she's your sister, and going NC with her over this is overkill. Just tell her you're unhappy about it, wish she hadn't told you, and don't want to hear any more about it. Then carry on as normal.

It's not for you to get anxious about, or for your DH to get snappy with her about. It's her life.

nextcrapthing · 07/05/2024 10:17

She texted me saying he was aggressive and that she’s worried for me.

Be careful she is going to say something to others to discredit you and your husband, to protect her affairs and her integrity.