How do I let someone down gently?

[LostandLonely72]

Hi,

Met a man from Tinder today. We've been chatting a few weeks. Lovely man and he has had a tough time with his ex-wife and has sole custody of their 2 children.

He was a bit full on, messaging. Just lots of kisses after every single message and lots of 'morning sweetheart' which kind of made me think he was a bit desperate. He has a very good job, and he is clearly very intelligent but I just felt really awkward around him.

We chatted ok on the phone etc. but meeting him today just didn't do anything for me. I definitely wasn't attracted to him in reality. Just isn't there. I'm really struggling to find anyone.

I have thanked him for the drink etc. and he replied with a message and lots of 'xxxxx' after it. How do I get out of this?

Don't ghost him. Just tell him the truth

"Thanks for meeting me today but I didn't feel a spark between us. Good luck on your search"

Tell him the truth. I had similar yesterday - nice guy, got on well but no spark so just told him that.

Always be honest - it’s only fair

Lots of messaging with kisses and such would ring a few bells for me.

You dont own him anything, and if you must send a message to explain keep it short, if he wants an explanation it was a date, not a promise of a future.

If he reacts with nastiness then you dodged a bullet.

It's difficult if you're a sensitive person - you don't want to hurt anybody. BUT he's looking for an attachment which you can't provide, so it is actually kinder in the end to let him go. As Paul Simon put it, "There Must Be 50 Ways to Leave Your lover."

Tell him a version of what you told us - "Thank you so much for your messages. You're a lovely man, and I enjoyed meeting you, but I just don't feel we're suited to one another."

I'd never ghost anyone. I'm just trying to decide what to say to him without hurting his feelings.

I would just tell him that you had a lovely date, but it is unfortunately not for you. Wish him well on his dating journey and leave it at that.

You don't know what's going to hurt his feelings. He might get your message and shrug and thing it was worth a try and move on to the next woman. He might be upset for days or weeks. All you need to do is be polite and firm.

Talk about you, not him.

You're a nice guy but I'm uncomfortable with the love-bombing. I'm not sure wete compatible.

Just say something like "it was lovely to meet you, but I'm afraid I didn't feel a spark. Best wishes for the future, hope you find your match".

If he persists after that, block him.

Do it sooner rather than later. The longer you leave it’s worse for both if you.

Just say ‘I had a really nice time meeting you however I didn’t feel that we had a spark. Wish you well finding what you’re looking for’

And if he replies then unmatch and don’t get into a discussion about staying friends

Just be honest, say I had a nice time but didn't feel a romantic connection, honestly don't feel bad, he probably says morning sweetheart xxx to numerous women, you wouldn't be the only one talking to him, his ego might get bruised for a moment but then he'll carry on talking to other women.

Has he been in touch since? Sometimes these things fizzle despite seeming promising just because the other person's nature is to come on strong, the keenness is not that personal. Fingers crossed as it'll save you a job!

If he does follow up the last message, or has, definitely just say 'it was lovely to meet you but on reflection I didn't feel that romantic connection. I wish you all the best with the dating though'. Don't feel bad. His choice to rush in

I messaged him last night. I thanked him for the drink and he said 'it was my pleasure xxx'. He said he'd felt I was a bit nervous. I said 'was I?'. He then said he could tell I wasn't interested. But said he'd enjoyed our meet. I replied to say that I thought he was a lovely man but that I didn't feel anything and felt a little uncomfortable and said sorry -and left it there. Not had a reply but he hasn't deleted me.

I found him on Facebook and had a quick look before blocking. He genuinely looks like a nice guy and it is clear he is having a tough time. I could tell from others people's comments. I feel a bit guilty tbh but definitely wasn't attracted to him in person, even though we seemed to click on the phone/messaging.

Will I ever find the right one? 😞

Why do you feel guilty? Do you think you 'should' fancy every nice man who seems interested in you? You're allowed to 'not like' anything. Feeling guilty about it is like feeling guilty for not liking nightclubs, or for not liking a particular food. We can't choose what we do and don't like, we're not responsible for it, and so feeling guilty about it doesn't really make sense. You can feel guilty for the way you deal with it, because that affects other people, but if you're respectful and honest, guilt doesn't fit any more than it does to feel guilty to broccoli for not wanting to eat it.