Recently separated and feeling depressed and lost

[Appleice]

Just feeling a bit down about everything at the moment.

I separated from my DH 3 months ago. It was a marriage of over 20 years and I instigated the separation due to years of DH's mental health issues, moodiness, anger and general disconnection with each other. He's now moved out into a rental place. We have two teen dc, and the arrangements with the dc are quite flexible - I stayed with them in the family home and this is still their "main" home, but one of the dc goes to my ex's every weekend, the other one just goes over for dinner once twice a week as he prefers not to stay over (he's on the autistic spectrum and likes his routine).

When my ex first left I felt very happy and free. I had been longing for my own space for years and not to have him there putting a permanent black cloud over everything was such a relief!

But to be honest, I'm now feeling quite lost and depressed. I have spent the last 20 odd years with the "family unit" at the forefront of my mind. Now it doesn't feel like there is one. Both teens spend a lot of time in their rooms, and don't want to go out and about with me any more (understandably).

My job is intense and stressful, and it's like at the weekends I don't have the time or energy to organise get togethers with friends or family. The house needs a lot of maintenance and redecoration but I just keep wondering what the point is. The dc don't really notice, and I don't have anyone over, so any would I do it? Not to mention money is tight.

I used to be really into home decor, but it really feels pointless now if I'm the only one noticing it! It was all for the family and the life that went along with that.

We have a really big garden that I don't have the time to maintain. If it were just me, I think I would sell up, and use my 50% of the proceeds of the sale to buy a much smaller manageable property, but the space we've got at the moment is definitely useful for the dc, and I don't want to cause them any more disruption at the moment.

My ex isn't working due to his mental health problems and so comes round a couple of nights a week to cook dinner for the dc as I don't get back from work until late. This is very helpful, but again feels weird and like I'm not moving on, as I see him a few times a week.

I also feel really lonely. I do have lovely friends and family that I talk to, but I really miss having a relationship, someone to chat to every day, who's always got your back. I just don't feel i have the time for online dating and i don't know when I'd see them even if i met someone i liked.

I just wonder if this is going to be my life for the next 6 years or so when the youngest may leave home. Feeling like I'm just working to keep everything afloat, but no time, energy or spare money to do anything I really want. I also don't know what my focus is right now.

Can anyone relate, or does anyone have any words of wisdom?!

It's early days yet OP. It's like a roller coaster journey when you split with someone. No matter what the reason for doing so. It's just important not to make a rash decision about moving atm, and just try to heal. 20 years is a long time, and I think sometimes after the split you start to remember the good times rather than the bad times. Contentment will come. Its just time that you need to get used to a new normal. It's a shame your dh does visit as its going to take longer to get over the split. Can't he just have them at his those nights, and cook for them there? Dating is probably too soon, but you will know when/if you're ready. Sending you positive hugs op. Hope things get better for you.

but I really miss having a relationship, someone to chat to every day, who's always got your back.

it doesn’t sound as though you had that though OP

due to years of DH's mental health issues, moodiness, anger and general disconnection with each other.

weekends with him must have been bloody awful

@Livelovebehappy Thank you. Yes, I think I do need time to heal. It's just I don't even feel I have time for that somehow as I'm either working or at least one of the dc is here.

It's really good in one way that my ex has stayed local, and the arrangement with the dc is flexible, but I almost wish that things were more defined, eg the dc always went to him every other weekend or something, so at least I would have some time on my own to heal. As it is, it all seems very fluid and I'm seeing my ex quite a lot. But I think this is better for the dc, especially for the one on the autistic spectrum, as he struggles with change.

That's a good idea for the dc to just go to my exes for dinner some nights - I think we were trying not to disrupt them, as they both have long days at school and just want to chill at home after school rather than going to his then coming back here. But maybe in time it would work.

Thank you for the positive hugs!

Yes it's strange - the last few years of my marriage I just felt so stressed and anxious and desperate to separate. I did feel very lonely then as well, but my ex was at least someone who I could occasionally have a conversation with. So it was different, but yes, we didn't have a functioning relationship for quite a few years.

They were. And holidays.

reminisce about those awful holidays and weekends op!

You need to carve out even tiny amounts of time to do things that are only for you and for your benefit. Self nourishment. Be that a hobby, long walks, weekends away, home spa sessions, or whatever. Even better if it is something that widens your social circle.

Your D.C. are at an age when everything would begin to change anyway. So while keeping the changes gentle, especially for the aspie teen, you can start to lever some self care into the timetable.

As your ex is not working (and needs to maintain his relationship with the kids) it would be totally reasonable to say "you are both going to your dad's place after school on Thursdays from now on because that's going to be my regular book club night. He'll feed you and you can come home before bed" or what have you.

My experience of aspie teens is that they do better when there is a predictable rhythm to the New Thing. So grab two times a week that are yours and build from there.

@LiterallyOnFire Thanks for your advice - yes, I think this is one of the main problems, that I haven't been carving out time for myself. I feel a bit out of control, and like I am just working, doing housework, stuff for dc, but nothing for myself. It's felt very claustrophobic in a way, but I've had a strange sense of inertia about it all, probably as I'm still coming to terms with the separation and all the implications.

I've been thinking of booking a spa weekend for ages so now I feel I will get on with it! And that's also a good idea about having time to myself on a weekly basis - it's definitely needed.

Why haven't you set a routine for contact? Is it because of the DC? You absolutely can insist on a set routine for contact if it helps you. And also knock him coming into the house on the head. Enforce your own boundaries if that's what you need to move on.

It takes time to get over thr end of a 20 year relationship. You are still in VERY early days. It took me about a year to get over my ex and just grieving the end of the relationship. Then probably another year to then start thinking about what I actually wanted and carving out a life for myself. It sounds like you've probably spent the last 20 years putting everyone else first and trying to fix your miserable ex without ever doing anything for yourself. It will take time to unlearn all of that. You will get there, but give yourself time and put yourself first!