What should I do about my mum?

[Unsureunsureunsure]

My mum and I have not always had the easiest of relationships but for the last few years we had been getting along much better. I have an older daughter and my mum helped me out when my daughter was little.

I have recently had a baby boy and my mum has been “off” with me since around about the time he was born. She does not often arrange to see me, but when I ask her to go for lunch she will agree. When she sees my son she doesn’t interact with him and says mean comments which she will say in a jokey way, but it makes me uncomfortable. For example she’ll say that we should leave the baby in the car so we can have our lunch in peace.

My mum takes my daughter (who is 16) out once a week to spend time with her, and they get on fairly well, but my daughter tells me that my mum is very critical of me. I’m not surprised because my mum always has been very critical of me, but I don’t appreciate that she openly does this to my daughter.

It has gotten to the point that I no longer want to spend time in her company, I find her draining and negative, and every time I spend time with her I am mildly upset afterwards. However she hasn’t done anything majorly wrong, so I feel guilty for potentially cutting contact with her, especially since she has no other children and is divorced. But I do not want my son to be aware of the lack of warmth from her and the horrible comments.

I’m not sure what to do, I am sad that our relationship has come to this.

Apologies this post is so long.

Can you discuss it with her? Ask her what her problem is?

Otherwise just quietly distance yourself

As awkward and uncomfortable as it might be, I’d try speaking to her and letting her know how you feel.

if she takes no notice then as upsetting as it is, I’d really try to distance myself & tell myself that just because family is blood does not mean you MUST have relationships with these people.

some of the most toxic relationships come from blood relatives. We owe it to ourselves to look after ourselves and walking away or taking steps back from relationships that no longer serve us or are making us suffer!

im sorry you’re going through this though, it is hard when it’s a parent 💐

I would distance myself further from her. You would not tolerate this from a friend, your mother is no different. She has not fundamentally changed since your own childhood in that she’s still critical of you. Surround yourself with radiators, not drains on your finite resources. Such people never apologise nor accept responsibility for their actions.

Is your dad present in your life?. If so what does he think of his ex wife’s behaviour?.

Deal with any and all feelings of fear, obligation and guilt re her through therapy. Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and consider posting on the current “Well we took you to Stately Homes” thread on these Relationships pages.

Thank you for your replies. I don’t know why I am reluctant to broach the subject with her, I suppose because I know it will be awkward and also it could be upsetting. I just feel so tired that I would just rather quietly distance myself, as suggested.

My dad isn’t in my life, he gradually stopped speaking to me and I haven’t seen him in 15 years. So it’s sad that I won’t have either of my parents.

Well I guess she is expecting to step in and help again? If she did help you out a lot when your DD was little. She's older and might be thinking or hoping she doesn't get asked.

I'd ask her where the attitude is coming from and take any need for help off the table. I mean you'd hope she might want to occasionally offer of course.

Talk to her, she may think you are going to enroll her in childcare etc. There is a big age difference between your kids and your mum may be making things in her head. I don't know how old were you when you had your DD or your situation now but she may be wary of have to step in. Family sometimes is very judgemental of our actions even if they shouldn't.
An honest conversation may help you if that is the case. If not, you carry on with your life.

It sounds like she thought the grandmothering of small children was done with and isn't keen to start from scratch. Maybe a little boy too seems like a challenge when she's been used to just you and your daughter. I can understand it a bit, as you move past it all and forget how all encompassing babies/toddlers can be, but it's not on for her to keep making comments, that would drive anyone away.

Have you told her before that she upsets you with the negativity?

If you haven't, I'd say as she's your Mum, you're her only daughter and she has a close relationship with your daughter, tell her that it's getting you down and see if she changes her ways - let her know that it's an issue before cutting contact. Then, if she doesn't adjust her behaviour and comments that's her decision and she'll only have herself to blame.

From what everyone has said, I agree that speaking to her first is probably the best option, I just have to work up the courage to do so! Thank you very much to everyone for their replies.

Oh OP welcome to the family of ‘people whose parents were/are massive dicks’. Both my parents were abusive/neglectful but here I am quite content at 52.

Chances are any attempt at a super gentle discussion will be met with a combo of rage and stonewalling. And she will cycle through victim/perpetrator/hero roles to see what shuts you up.

How did it go @Unsureunsureunsure ?