Before the term 'Red Flag' ...

[bracemyselfagain]

I remember a time when the term Red Flag hadn't been coined yet ... today it's talked about on a daily basis and ingrained in everybody's mind.
Advice on what to look for; psychology into certain behaviours; coercion/manipulation, how to respond in situations safely etc.

But,
Before all of this ... what did we all put up with because we never knew any better?

I'll go first;

I was coerced into an abortion I knew I never truly wanted. But made to believe it was 'for the best' ... I allowed myself to continue having sex with this person, which at the time I thought was fine because he was then pulling out and said he loved me.
It's shame and guilt I carry to this day.

Read about Red Flags years later and was completely gobsmacked.

I think what we put up with changed, rather than got better. I'm old but we all knew that the jealous, aggressive man was bad. The cheater was bad. The arrogant liar was bad. We also knew, which is something everyone seems to have forgotten, that sex is supposed to be fun, feel good, and be mutually beneficial. Instead of porny wank fodder for men.

It's far more to do with trauma than knowledge of flags. And trauma still exists in spades.

Sorry x-posted. I'm sorry that happened.

@MrsTerryPratchett

I agree with you.
But sometimes it's difficult to spot who exactly is 'the jealous man' abuser can be incredibly smart ... these days a simple comment would suggest they are because of the Red Flag conversation, if I'm making sense?
Maybe it's more to do with education and the examples we see in our very early years?

Maybe it's more to do with education and the examples we see in our very early years?

I think it is. The message in my house was VERY firmly that abortion was the woman's choice. Gentle dad, feminist mum here.

The stuff that I thought women should put up with was bizarre and inconsistent. For example I knew cheating was wrong, coercion was wrong, VAWG was wrong. But I was supposed to know absolutely in advance if any of these things were issues because women were to blame for any men’s bad behaviour they were at the end of.

My parents are the king and queen of victim blamers. Ironically it was the family they created that facilitated cover up of CSA in the family. A lot of red flags for narcissistic behaviour that I couldn’t see until I pulled away. The language that has come up to speak about very common dark psychological behaviour patterns quite literally saved my life.

Red flags is a term that's become a bit meaningless imo, especially on forums.

Meaningless?

Ah I completely disagree. It's finally got people talking hasn't it?
Out for a catch-up with a friend and relationships enter the conversation, rather than put it down to 'odd' or 'weird' ways (as we all have our little perks) ... we'll say 'that's a red flag' ...
I think the term may have become overused & can be used as an excuse to perhaps end a relationship where two people just aren't compatible rather than a possible sign of future abuse. But I think the awareness into 'Red Flag' behaviour is very important.

@bracemyselfagain

We obviously 🙄 put with far too much my immediate thought is

I think before the popular term red flags was coined,

People relied on much more their inuitive aspects of themselves in different eras and olde worlde times
We've been brainwashed by society and certain religious faiths to ignore that aspects and its often come back to bite us on our back sides,

"Never mind the Bollox"

Yes we've put up with far too much of that i agree with your sentiments

Like lots of terms that have become common or popular, it's become distorted.

Look at all the 'red flag?' posts on MN or the 'would this put you off?' posts on MN.

Everything from gaming to liking certain TV shows, not liking certain foods, not having a driving licence, having an extensive dating history or not having an extensive dating history, having social media accounts or not having social media accounts, having close family relationships or not having them, having a bad relationship with an ex or a good one are all held up as 'red flags' on MN and other forums.

So yeah, it's become meaningless often.

I feel the term is over used now and it's become distorted x

#@bracemyselfagain

So true 👌👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿
You've hit the nail in so many ways in regards of red flag terminology being used so much..

It's very similar with the popularity of the word Narastistic and other characters personality disorders

even though it's over used
At least its raised the awareness of the idea of how important and essential for your emotional well being and sanity of having boundaries and also around the idea of toxic people especially family members who are not just put up with it cause society has romantised idealistic idea of nuclear and extended family,
It's made out to be something that it isn't allways so often..

Agree - overused and meaningless. same as gaslighting - thread recently saying an estate agent was "gaslighting" someone. People use these terms to sound clever, in the know, cool. They use them to show that behaviour they don't particularly like is universally agreed to be Bad - and cannot be challenged.

As to the behaviour we accepted "then" and what we accept now - it's different but future generations will judge us harshly I think.

I grew up in a culture that prioritised staying married and women talking together would bond over stories of awful husbands. I’m really grateful for the red flag concept because it’s helped unpick a lot of that conditioning. Dh and I have a much better relationship because of challenging our norms, and holding higher standards.

Go back another couple of generations and there are stories told in my family of violent abuse. It’s chilling how accepted it was - there was pity, and intense dislike but people felt their hands were tied.

Agreed. Narcissism, red flags, gaslighting and many, many MH terms have been overused to the point of being meaningless.

Which is a shame.