DP has son from previous relationship...

[NiftyNanny]

...I don't know what to do about this.

I have been with DP 2.5 years, we live together, I get on great with his parents, we are definitely a solid couple.

Over 3 years ago he had a brief (2/3 months) relationship with a girl he worked with. It tailed off, but she kept having fainting fits and he didn't see her for a while, and "was going to finish it when she was better as it wasn't fair to dump someone who was ill".

Of course, she wasn't fainting because she was ill, but because she was pregnant.

Now, DP crapped himself and when she said she didn't want anything from him, she was perfectly willing to bring up the child alone, and he could go away and think about things, he just thought. And thought. And panicked, then thought some more, but didn't actually DO anything or contact her.

He was a complete arsehole about it, I know, and has always regretted being too scared to keep in touch with her. She's blanked him too for the past 3 years and didn't tell him when the baby was born, or contact him at all.

A while ago we ran into her in the pub she works in, they met up a couple of weeks later and DP saw photos, heard all about son and she said she's prepared to introduce them so DP can get to know his child. She's now married though and needs to decide how to explain everything / the two dads thing to the little boy.

I can understand this but it's been over a month now with no contact from her at all, and DP is refusing to get in touch with her and find out what's happening "because she is sorting things out in her head and the ball is in her court"

Should I push him to contact her again? I know she has a lot to think about, but honestly, if it were me on the receiving end of his silent treatment I'd just presume he doesn't care. I know he does, he told me about the boy pretty soon after we got together and we talk about him often, but DP is just SOOOO scared.

Should I tell him to leave her alone because if his fear overrides his decency then he's not going to be any good to the kid?

I'm hoping we'll get married and have kids within the next 5 years, so I'm going to be the mother to this kid's half siblings, even though I know I'm not involved at the moment in an ideal world we'll all get along great in the future, it's just getting to the point where everyone is talking that's the problem.

What on earth are we going to do?

I dont really have any advice, but would like to say you seem to have a very sensible compassionate and understanding heart. Your DP is very lucky to have you.

Firstly I think you sound like a wonderful, thoughtful, empathetic woman who has dealt with this all incredibly well.

As to what to do - could you do the contacting with the ex? And just explain that your DP feels the ball is in her court etc but is really very keen to be involved? You might be the ideal third party to the negotiations - and it might be easier if the son just gets to know his father as a family-friend type figure to start with - if he already "knows" a Dad it would completely throw him if another one suddenly appeared on the scene.

Aw, thank you for the kind words

I think he'd feel I betrayed him somehow if I stuck my oar in with his ex. It has crossed my mind to send her a message (I know she's on Facebook or could easily find her email address / phone number) saying precisely what you suggest, Hassled...... but I'm not sure if she would take kindly to it either.

He has told me that I won't be involved at first, but he seems incapable of dealing with it!

I have friends who's children's fathers have skipped out, and it's always the man who's made out to be a flake, callous, horrible. I find it really hard to reconcile this image with my partner who just seems to be in the middle of the biggest "choke" ever. Of course, it's fortunate for him that he has the luxury to do that rather than be landed with a baby growing inside him that he HAS to take care of no matter what. The women have to get on with it, whereas he has managed to bury his head in the sand. I think the fact he feels so bad about it makes it worse. He's so scared of doing the wrong thing he just does nothing instead.

bump