Hi. I’ve been with my partner for 5 years and we have a lovely fun relationship, we get along great and we are happy together.
The issue I have is that he will never initiate sex with me, it is always me initiating it. He also rarely finishes. He says this is not related to me at all, he is very turned on he just can’t always finish. We have great sex and I always enjoy myself, he is very generous to me, and he says he does too and he even says he gets turned on like if I am cuddling him or walking around half dressed, and thinks about sex with me a lot but he doesn’t convert this into initiating it so I have no idea he is interested at that time.
He is a very kind, polite and respectful person and seems to have a fear of being accused of being a sex pest or hurting me. He would never grope me uninvited, he wouldn’t do anything sexual, he always waits until I give him a very obvious signal. I asked him where this had come from and he wasn’t that open about it but this seems to be a hang up from his previous marriage.
His marriage was somewhat emotionally abusive from the other side and when I met him he was still working through some of these historical issues. For instance it took about a year for him to feel more comfortable that when I say something, it doesn’t have a hidden meaning. Like when someone says ‘I’m fine’ but they aren’t fine and act moody, and you are meant to guess what’s up. I am not like that at all but he had a mistrust for a while. I don’t play head games with him but from what I know, she did. He was always walking on eggshells around her moods.
It’s been so long I don’t think he will change? I’ve told him that I am completely comfortable with him patting my bum or initiating sex with me by kissing or something but he never does so it’s unlikely this will ever change? We have sex less and less in recent times as I feel like the sex pest and I’m now questioning the whole time whether he is into it or not.
Also him not finishing, he says he starts worrying about me being bored or uncomfortable and then it gets into his head and he loses focus. The only time I’ve seen him completely relaxed is when he has been drunk - but we rarely drink, alcohol has the effect on me of making me very sleepy and not really interested in sex.
I don’t know what I am asking. I admit I quite like the idea of him taking charge from time to time and I have told him this but I don’t think he ever will. I feel ungrateful for complaining about having a guy be nice to me too as in the past some haven’t been.