Cried during sex. At rock bottom and could do with some nice stories

[YourGreenRaven]

So I'm currently WFH at a guy's house, we've been on a few dates and its awkward and total lack of passion or intimacy. I cried last night having sex because I just felt like something he was jerking off into. I hid the tears so he didn't notice.
I'm going to end it later today, and just need some encouraging words from women who've been where I've been.
I turned 30 earlier this year after a big and sudden break-up with a person I was deeply in love with (after actively planning for a future with me, he got cold feet and ran). I've been dating on the apps but with little luck. I'm so down and scared that I'm never going to have real, deep, mutual love again.
Pretty much all of my friends are coupling up (some have got into new super-happy relationships via apps literally 6 weeks ago). Some are starting to talk about kids, and some are buying houses.
I've been told that I'm attractive, I have a great job, lots of friends, am enthusiastic and fun, but I feel so down at the moment. It feels like my life is stuck while everyone else seems to be moving on.
Please give me stories of how things moved on for you. Of successful relationships that came from online dating after you had felt as do right now.

So do you mean you’re working from home at this man’s house? Why?

just end it, work at your own house.

It's been a few dates, sex at this stage is probably unlikely to be some intense love making. Sounds like you're hoping to jump ahead quite a few stages if you're already wfh at his after a few dates and expecting total fulfilment.

It doesn't sound as if you're in the right headspace to date atm OP.

Believe it or not, you're not that old. Take some space until you're In a better frame of mind

Can you just go home?

This tbh. Go home. You don't need to "end" anything, you've been on a few dates. I'd say the lack of passion and intimacy is because you hardly know eachother. It sounds like you need to spend some time focusing on yourself and your self esteem rather than diminishing yourself because you're not in a couple right now. It sounds like you have a lot going for you that you can't see clearly right now.

Why you having sex if its awkward on dates?

(some have got into new super-happy relationships via apps literally 6 weeks ago)

They’re not in super happy relationships after a few weeks - they’re just enjoying a few dates at moment with no idea where it’s going.

And why are you WFH at the house of a man you’ve only had a few dates with? Sounds like you want a relationship so badly you’re trying to rush things and that’s almost always a bad move.

Go home and on the way buy some food/ drink you really like, sit outside and breath.

Maybe take a break from dating and be kind to yourself for a while.

I think you need to be on your own for a while and try and work out what you really want.
Maybe have some counselling.
What you don't need is sex with randoms who don't care about you in the hopes that somehow love will come out of it. It won't.
You need to get to know somebody really well before you start having sex with them. They need to show you they are sincere about you and care about you before anything like that.
If you don't have any self respect they will not respect you either.

Just pack up and go home at lunch.

You're only just thirty, time is on your side. I think you should take some time out from dating to recover from your break up and try to enjoy just being you and single for a bit.

I think before you look for another date, I would work on your boundaries.

If you've agreed to have sex, even if you're in the middle it's perfectly ok to stop. You don't have to have sex just to please someone else.

I'd also question why you're working from his house?

I did find love after 30. It's not easy is it when all of your friends are settling down?

Instead of concentrating on finding love I'd make a few plans for the next 12 months. Plan some nights out and a weekend away. Make some changes in your own home so that you feel better in your own space and get a promotion or better job if you can.

Life doesn't need to be stuck. Focus on your career, go travelling, take up a hobby that interests you. You can let a man or lack of a man stop you doing things for yourself, and it's way better than putting up with crap sex. You're more likely to find someone who really appreciates you if you're happy in yourself.

Yes, your friends may be settling down, but some of them will also end up divorced. Life's not perfect for anyone. Don't compare what you see on their outsides with how you feel inside.

At 30, Id just had a baby with a man who was verbally and emotionally abusive, probably cheating and was exhausted and miserable. And believe or not, that wasn't the worst experience in my love life.
I took the leap, and split, remaining a single mum and concentrating on myself and my child.

At 37 my life changed and 12 years later, I'm still living the dream. A partner that respects me, an extended family that my son loves and they love him, properties, holidays, and a future I'm looking forward to.

I can't tell you how much you need to like and value yourself, way before other people will. It was only then things changed.

OP, please look after yourself, leave at lunch time, go for a nice cafe lunch, buy a bunch of flowers to put in your own home work desk and congratulate yourself on looking after yourself.

30 is in now way getting late, or old. So sorry you had what you thought was your dream life taken away, but take time to build yourself up again before you date. In your current mindset you are vulnerable to risking men like this one, ignoring and putting yourself in denial of red flags or at best ‘settling’.

It’s not easy after heartbreak , it really isn’t , but long term you will end up healthier and stronger if you concentrate on your own self now.

FFS don't some men treat women like absolute shit?! Who the fuck do they think they are?!

I am so sorry you're going through this @YourGreenRaven I hope you find someone better soon. Someone who deserves you.

Are you on the wrong thread? How is he treating her like shit?

OP, please DO NOT SETTLE and don't let anyone treat you like shit

2.5 years ago I met a true man who respects me enormously, loves me deeply, and really treats me as equal (and viceversa of course). I've always had a very high opinion of myself but I did meet some assholes. Now this man just is something else. You'll meet him too if you don't settle, I promise you

Good luck

Hope to cheer you a bit by telling you about my daughter. She dated her first boyfriend for many years, but they eventually broke up when she was 30. Like you I think she felt she'd missed her chance at happiness. She moved back home, and after awhile started OLD. After a few attempts she eventually met her present boyfriend who's she's been with for over a year. they've moved in together and she's very happy. Please don't give up, you're young and have every chance of finding someone right for you.

Missing the point entirely but I’m baffled why you would work from home at someone else’s house? Is this a new thing?
Maybe it’s time to start working on your communication skills and putting yourself first a bit more. Both in bed and out of it.
Have your pride and leave.

How are you now @YourGreenRaven? Have you ended it and gone back home yet?

I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time. It’s hard when you feel your life is starting over again but all your friends are settling down.
My best advice would be to take some time focussing on you. Do things for yourself, start a new hobby, treat yourself and pretty much date yourself! Find out what you enjoy doing and things you like again. Focus on making yourself happy and then start dating.

Dating apps can be good for meeting someone but they can also make your head spiral with lots of rubbish dates.

End it with the guy, go home and leave the dating for a little while.

This sounds horrible for you, I am sorry.
If there was no pain or intimacy then no wonder the sex felt mechanical.

You are worth more than this.

Please try and look after yourself

It was a while ago, so as a result of an advertisement in the paper, but assume it still counts.
I was nearly 34, childless, and my marriage ended abruptly ( he cheated).
I met the man who turned out to be the love of my life less than a year later through a ‘lonely hearts’ ad in the local paper.
We were together for 29 years, have 2 great young adults, a modest but happy home and we both said that our meeting was the best thing that had ever happened to us. He sadly passed last year but the years we were together were the happiest of my life.
Never give up hope. You too could meet your soul mate.

I'm sorry for you loss @LumpyandBumps