Just found out the me STBXH has been unfaithful throughout our twenty years together

[steamy]

Even though we split up because of an affair. He left . He has little to do with the kids and is an all round tool.
My children and I now live a harmonious and easy life, no aggression, criticism or negativity. We have very little but we are generally happy so I know that this is great and we are free.

However , This morning I feel confusion. My mind is racing as I never suspected before his affair that he was a cheat.
I do remember when we met first , he had just broken up with his fiancé and it seems now that he filled me with shit as to why they separated. She rang him c drunk one night and I took the phone and asked her to leave us alone . She shouted that he would cheat on me too. I was heavily pregnant and deliriously happy back then, I didn't believe her.

I'm glad he is gone and my children and I get the necessary counselling etc but this morning , I just feel overwhelmed and confused .

Has this whole marriage been a complete lie? How do I accept that as a cheat and a liar. He will never tell me the truth. How do I accept the lack of information to close this down to move on to the next part of my life?
I feel I will never again trust any man in terms of romantic relationship.

It sounds like he's never been faithful - to his exfiancee or you. It's who he is - he probably loves the excitement of the next conquest. Get yourself and your DC some counselling and move on - don't give him headspace any more.

How have you found out he's cheating OP?

I met an old ex friend of his who was drunk. He told me in the context of how happy he was that my children and I were rid of him . He wasn't trying to upset me. I think he thought I had it sussed. Silly me .

That must be tough op. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of saying anything. I'd just drop it in to a conversation that you know but act like you're not upset.
Are you still seeing a councillor?

Yes. I see her every week and will see her tomorrow . I'm just confused, almost shocked but logically it makes sense .

You won't get him to admit anything. I was deeply in love with exh, everyone would joke he was a "flirt" I was young, had no confidence in myself and convinced myself that it didn't matter. Obviously it does matter and I am absolutely convinced he had at least one affair with a colleague a few years after we married, I then caught him out years later with another woman and filed for divorce. To this day he denies he had affairs but when I look back there were so many red flags and just the fact he disrespected me so much with the flirting in front of me should have been enough to make me leave. One of his friends even took me to one side and told me about one woman thrown herself at DH (before we married) and I brushed it aside.

I do regret not taking action sooner and I would really like to know the full truth of what went on during my marriage, but I know I never will. Its something I have learnt to live with. I am remarried and happy DH is lovely and I believe I can trust him (he had a woman make a pass at him and was mortified) but I will never blindly trust a man again. I'm sorry you have gone through this too.

This is just like an extra kick in the teeth and I’m sorry you’re going through it.

The silver lining here though is that at least you know ending this relationship is the absolute right thing to do and you will never look back and wonder if you did the right thing.

He sounds awful.

I had exactly what you're going through- found out my whole marriage was a lie and that he started cheating whilst I was pregnant with my eldest- and carried on for 7 years till we divorced.

This was a long time ago and I don't give myself a hard time about it now, I just an acknowledge that I was a bad judge of character and met him young with no life experience.

However, I am now remarried and trust my dh 100% because he's a different person and I know what he values and wants from life. No doubt people will call me naive but I know I'm not.

Going through exactly the same OP, at least 20 years of cheating with women at work, culminating with a final consequence of losing his job which meant he had to tell me some of it. I know that there is a LOT that I don't know, but I don't think it would help me to know the whole sordid truth at this stage.

I agree it is a shock. It is almost an existential crisis - was any of what I experienced in the last 20 years real?!

I am still in the same house as him as he has no money to move out so it is fairly awful. I can't believe my restraint! Divorce application in, telling myself it's just a matter of time and I'll be free.

This happened to me. It was deeply upset at the amount of people who knew my now ex husband was a serial cheat. Nobody was off limits, he tried it on with my brother's girlfriend, he slept with people I considered friends, people in the workplace. He tried it on with everybody and had multiple affairs. He's also possibly fathered a child but I have no proof of that. An utterly disgusting excuse of a human being. As far as I am aware, he's still with the woman he ran off with but if she thinks he's remained faithful or will be faithful, she's got another think coming. I know he was cheating on her just after he moved in with her because somebody caught him. It's so bloody hurtful. I didn't deserve any of it and neither did you. They are inadequate human beings. We have the better ending I'd say.

You have no choice but to accept it. You will never get the full story of a compulsive liar and cheat.