Hi everyone, sorry it's a long one.
BIL (DH brother) got married about 7 years ago. Within the first few months of their marriage his wife fell out with 2 of my SILs (DH sisters) and cut all contact with them.
Me and DH have always remained neutral, there were faults on both sides when contact was cut and we didn't want to get involved. Me and DH are both quite laid back and we wanted to maintain a relationship with BIL, his wife and SILs.
Before BIL got married, he was very laid back, quiet and was very much always close to his siblings. Ive got to know his wife and she is quite dominating and controlling and I've noticed she tells him what to do, who to see/not see and he listens to everything she says. She has also filled his head with a lot of toxicity about SILs and he has become very bitter. They spend a lot of time with her family and on BILs side it was just us they kept contact with.
Elderly MIL is currently ill and requires a lot of care. All the siblings set up a WhatsApp group to try and coordinate MILs care. This has led to many disagreements between BIL and SILs and BIL has been very rude to them on the group - some of the language he uses I can tell has been dictated to him by his wife. SILs have been quite cordial and even when they have disagreed with something they have responded to BIL in a nice way.
A few weeks ago BIL and wife came to see me and DH regarding MILs care and all they did was slag SILs off. SILs in my opinion have been trying very hard to do whatever they can for MIL but BIL and wife keep picking holes in everything they do. My DH said this to BIL and wife but they just didn't want to hear it, were rude to DH and then stormed out the house - simply because he didnt agree with everything they were saying. Later that day BIL posted a very rude message on the group directed at SILs which upset them a lot (and rightly so).
A few days ago I sent a private message to BIL wife regarding an aspect of MILs care and she sent me back a very rude reply - along the lines of how my DH always makes excuses for SILs, he never backs BIL on the group and that only they have MILs welfare at heart. I was very taken aback and hurt by the messages because I've always tried to maintain a relationship with her and I've supported her in the beginning when my SILs have been unfair to her. I've not responded because I just didn't know what to say.
I showed the messages to DH and he is very hurt, especially as we have always been the ones in the middle trying to keep the peace with everyone. Me and DH also discussed how much BIL has changed and how he harbours so much hate in his heart for his family. I feel like BIL and wife will no longer want to keep contact with us because DH hasn't sided with them and now BIL will lose contact with the last member of his family. I also feel sorry for my DCs as they are fond of BIL.
I've not responded to the messages but DH is saying he will speak to BIL one-to-one when wife sn't there and try to talk some sense into him. SILs and BIL fell out when he first got married but recently SILs have been trying to make an effort with him but he has just become so negative and doesn't want to move past that.
Will DH talking to BIL make a difference? Is it even a good idea? I know he tells her everything so she could misinterpret my DHs intentions.
If contact is cut, how will I explain this to my DCs (15, 12 and 7)?
What can we actually do to make BIL realise that his wife is alienating him from his family? (He has also cut off some of his childhood friends as wife hasn't taken a liking to them).
Should I respond to her messages or just leave it? At this point I don't think I want any kind of relationship with her tbh.