Effects of a few drinks .... why do we always end up falling out?

Blodwyn66 · 2024-05-05T21:59:38+00:00

Long time reader of posts and now it's my turn to ask for advice ... I've finally come to the conclusion that though DH and I get on really well, have the same hopes, plans, dreams; enjoy doing things together as well aa have our own separate interests, make each other laugh, have been through some tough life stuff together, whatever we do, and usually every month and every holiday, when enjoying a meal or an evening with a glass or three of wine, things go wrong. Actions and/or words are misinterpreted and we end up having a row usually ending with him blaming me .. We're no youngsters either as both fast approaching sixty. Tonight is an example - another wife and I, met up with my DH her DH in a local pub. When we got there the friend's husband talked to us but mine was talking to two other females. He then put his arm round one of the women's shoulders and started talking to her like that. i just walked out. He then called me to say it was a friend who had been offering her condolences (his sister has recently died) and how could I think he was such a low life to cheat on me and not understand how he was feeling. I realised how stupid I had been - however at the same time it's not the first time he's blamed my behaviour and threatened to leave. There never seems to be any reasoning with him ever .. This onky happens when we've both had something to drink ... May be I should not have anything and then can't be blamed ... sorry such a muddled post but just typing as I'm thinking ... and feeling sad

Whatabother · 05/05/2024 23:08

In this particular situation that you describe I take it you did not know the 2 females your DH was talking to? If you didn't know them I don't think you were being at all unreasonable to be upset when he put his arm round one of them and talked to her with his arm round her. I think your reaction was entirely normal. You are not a mind reader and had no way of knowing what the circumstances were. Is your DH usually touchy feely with other females?
I certainly don't think he was reasonable to blame you for being a bit upset.

AutumnCrow · 05/05/2024 23:15

It was rude of him not to introduce you at least briefly.

What are his social manners like generally?

Original poster

Blodwyn66 · 05/05/2024 23:22

Whatabother · 05/05/2024 23:08

In this particular situation that you describe I take it you did not know the 2 females your DH was talking to? If you didn't know them I don't think you were being at all unreasonable to be upset when he put his arm round one of them and talked to her with his arm round her. I think your reaction was entirely normal. You are not a mind reader and had no way of knowing what the circumstances were. Is your DH usually touchy feely with other females?
I certainly don't think he was reasonable to blame you for being a bit upset.

No I didn't know the two females. He said she was offering condolences about his sister and that was why he put his arm around her - though he described it as a hug which she reciprocated which it wasn't.
He can be quite touchy feely with people and had this have been a bloke I probably wouldnt have reacted ...
he said I looked at him like a piece of 💩 but I didn't think he'd seen me leave - it's the fact he went on the attack straight away - blaming me for ruining the evening and not understanding how he was grieving for his sister ...

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Original poster

Blodwyn66 · 05/05/2024 23:26

AutumnCrow · 05/05/2024 23:15

It was rude of him not to introduce you at least briefly.

What are his social manners like generally?

He hadn't seen me arrive to be fair - I did feel a little stupid standing there whilst he was talking to them - I perhaps should have gone over and met them, seen It was innocent rather than jump to conclusions - it's just the kick back from him afterwards in that I can't ever explain my side/feelings/perception ... I'm always made out to be the bad guy.

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vividdreamingagain · 05/05/2024 23:31

If it's only when you've had a few drinks why not knock the drinking on the head?

EggcornAcorn · 05/05/2024 23:36

vividdreamingagain · 05/05/2024 23:31

If it's only when you've had a few drinks why not knock the drinking on the head?

I would advise trying this, too. Just stop with the drink and see how your mood is.

Original poster

Blodwyn66 · 05/05/2024 23:37

vividdreamingagain · 05/05/2024 23:31

If it's only when you've had a few drinks why not knock the drinking on the head?

Yup - my thoughts exactly - it's happening too frequently - obviously blurring perceptions/interpretations of conversations or actions.
Though not sure we're going to be together much longer after tonight ..

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Justanotherusername27 · 05/05/2024 23:48

Hiya, I’ve worked within alcohol and substance misuse services all of my adult life giving education etc on this subject. I have had this problem too! Me and my partner still drink together but educated ourselves on what alcohol can do to you. This is not a suggestion of you don’t/ do carry on drinking together this is what worked for us..

biggest rule- it can wait until tomorrow. If we have annoyed one another, bring it up the next day when we’re sober. More often than not it’s something misinterpreted. Alcohol is a disinhibitor which basically means it’s switches off the rationale side of your brain. You make daft decisions cause it stops the area of your brain that makes you question yourself. It provokes confidence and can also highten the feelings you’re having already (I.e anger etc). You can’t properly rationalise when you’re drunk and it brings out emotions.

hope this makes sense.

Justanotherusername27 · 05/05/2024 23:49

If you’re still arguing just go to bed. Nothing is fixed when you’re drunk x

Venu · 05/05/2024 23:51

My partner and I have our biggest arguments during drinks together. We’ve had lovely times together when we just have one or two.

Maybe cut it down considerably not totally.I wouldn’t like to walk into a scene like that with or without drinking.

Would he like it if the roles were reversed?

Original poster

Blodwyn66 · 05/05/2024 23:57

Justanotherusername27 · 05/05/2024 23:48

Hiya, I’ve worked within alcohol and substance misuse services all of my adult life giving education etc on this subject. I have had this problem too! Me and my partner still drink together but educated ourselves on what alcohol can do to you. This is not a suggestion of you don’t/ do carry on drinking together this is what worked for us..

biggest rule- it can wait until tomorrow. If we have annoyed one another, bring it up the next day when we’re sober. More often than not it’s something misinterpreted. Alcohol is a disinhibitor which basically means it’s switches off the rationale side of your brain. You make daft decisions cause it stops the area of your brain that makes you question yourself. It provokes confidence and can also highten the feelings you’re having already (I.e anger etc). You can’t properly rationalise when you’re drunk and it brings out emotions.

hope this makes sense.

Thank you - wise advice which I agree with - I've just got to cat to DH about it and that's the difficult part 😞

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Original poster

Blodwyn66 · 06/05/2024 00:00

Venu · 05/05/2024 23:51

My partner and I have our biggest arguments during drinks together. We’ve had lovely times together when we just have one or two.

Maybe cut it down considerably not totally.I wouldn’t like to walk into a scene like that with or without drinking.

Would he like it if the roles were reversed?

that's exactly our situation a couple of drinks and an evening out is usually perfect and great fun.
Emotions have been seriously heightened over the last few months with his sister being ill and then passing away.
He seems to be angry at me, seeing me as unsupportive and not caring - which is the total opposite of what I'm thinking and feeling and expressing via actions and words.

The end comment - his reaction if roles reversed - he would have done exactly the same and walked out. And no amount of explanation would have calmed and reassured him.

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Original poster

Blodwyn66 · 06/05/2024 00:07

Justanotherusername27 · 05/05/2024 23:49

If you’re still arguing just go to bed. Nothing is fixed when you’re drunk x

We have. Separate rooms - he will sleep, I will ruminate hence me posting - just going over and over - and dreading the morning and the silence and then the continuation of this evening ...

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Venu · 06/05/2024 08:14

Wise words above on what alcohol can do in terms of affecting being able to rationalise and taking about inhibitions. I wonder if his decisions to be touchy freely in the pub were a direct result of this. You said thought he was a normally touchy feely kind of guy. But maybe alcohol heightens this.

I’m sorry he is grieving for his sister, but there are red lines you don’t cross. I have made clear things I wouldn’t accept and so has my partner. It’s about respecting each other’s boundaries.

AgnesX · 06/05/2024 08:21

Stroppy drunks really aren't nice, however...

It seems that with the booze all the insecurities come to the fore. You've not said how much drink has been taken, but either cut down on the quantity or if it really isn't more than a couple of glasses only (a couple means two btw) perhaps you need to examine the underlying issues and work to fixing them or moving on.

Venu · 06/05/2024 08:57

I definitely agree with the last poster about insecurities being dredged up when drinking.

I try hard to address things that bother me when they come up if we aren’t drinking. If I’m drinking as mentioned above, I’m learning not to continue discussions we have resolved.

I would talk to him without alcohol about any issues that make you feel uncomfortable and unhappy. Surely he doesn’t want to make you feel like this!

You have a strong foundation but all relationships need work. It can be exhausting being in a relationship at times. I’ve debated being single and loved it when I was but that brings its own challenges too.

Original poster

Blodwyn66 · 06/05/2024 10:25

AgnesX · 06/05/2024 08:21

Stroppy drunks really aren't nice, however...

It seems that with the booze all the insecurities come to the fore. You've not said how much drink has been taken, but either cut down on the quantity or if it really isn't more than a couple of glasses only (a couple means two btw) perhaps you need to examine the underlying issues and work to fixing them or moving on.

Thanks Agnes - this wasn't after a couple of glasses. He'd been out since mid-afternoon with two friends, celebrating a birthday.
I'd been sitting in the garden drinking with one the friend's partners then gone out for a meal with her.
So - yes lots had been drunk.

I suppose for me it's the blame always being on me and any attempt at rational conversation is not possible .. when we've been drinking or the morning/day after. I'm exhausted by it.

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blooming24 · 06/05/2024 10:29

I think we all know a couple like this, as soon as they drink they start arguing... Honestly, I'd stop drinking or at least stop drinking together (go out with your own friends).

Beaverbridge · 06/05/2024 10:37

Me and OH lived like this till I stopped drinking alcohol, due to health reasons. No daft alcohol fuelled squabbles now. He occasionally has drink if we, re out for a meal. Just being honest don't miss drinking.

Original poster

Blodwyn66 · 06/05/2024 10:37

Venu · 06/05/2024 08:57

I definitely agree with the last poster about insecurities being dredged up when drinking.

I try hard to address things that bother me when they come up if we aren’t drinking. If I’m drinking as mentioned above, I’m learning not to continue discussions we have resolved.

I would talk to him without alcohol about any issues that make you feel uncomfortable and unhappy. Surely he doesn’t want to make you feel like this!

You have a strong foundation but all relationships need work. It can be exhausting being in a relationship at times. I’ve debated being single and loved it when I was but that brings its own challenges too.

We do have a strong foundation.
But I am starting to hate treading on egg shells all the time in case I say the wrong thing.
Alcohol does amplify both my insecurities and his.
The difference is I'm a talker and he's not - I will talk things over and take responsibility for any part in play in causing upset but he won't .
I love him dearly and really don't want to the relationship to be over - but if we cant communicate we can't move forward.
And as both now retired we've a lot of time together ahead!

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Original poster

Blodwyn66 · 06/05/2024 10:41

blooming24 · 06/05/2024 10:29

I think we all know a couple like this, as soon as they drink they start arguing... Honestly, I'd stop drinking or at least stop drinking together (go out with your own friends).

And I don't want us to be that couple . That's not who we are - we don't fall out when our in company - this is the first time ever - but it's usually a comment that is interpreted wrongly and misunderstood.
Seeing your post does make me sad as don't want to be known as that couple 😞

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Original poster

Blodwyn66 · 06/05/2024 10:43

Beaverbridge · 06/05/2024 10:37

Me and OH lived like this till I stopped drinking alcohol, due to health reasons. No daft alcohol fuelled squabbles now. He occasionally has drink if we, re out for a meal. Just being honest don't miss drinking.

Think it's the only option. I e also noticed that alcohol (and certain foods) make me feel yuk so it would be easy .
Thank you

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No1toldmeaboutit · 31/05/2024 13:50

It’s good to read these posts as this happens with me and my OH, not every time we drink but maybe 1 in 5 times. Hope you managed to sort things out

GreyCarpet · 31/05/2024 15:20

but it's usually a comment that is interpreted wrongly and misunderstood

Do yu each make comments that is often misunderstood by the other?

What would you have done if you'd witnessed that scene and been sober?

Do you trust him?

If I were in your partner's shoes, I'd be a bit if my partner came in, saw this, and rather than come over and say "Hi" walked out because he thought I was up to no good. I do expect him to trust me. If I hadn't seen him arrive, I would just wonder why he hadn't come over and said hello tbh.

I agree that if this is only an issue following alcohol, cut out the alcohol.