I feel I’ve lost him forever

[Beekind1985]

myself and dh separated about 2 months ago although he still lives in the house. We had been together for 15 years and have one dd who is 4.

reason for split is because he had mental health issues and his way of coping was to get drunk. He’s always had this issue but since having daughter it’s got worse and for the last 2.5 years it got worse to the point his behaviour was unpredictable. I’d never know if he was going to be home, if he was going to be drunk when I got home with our daughter or just normal or come home later and wake house up. I’d basically been living in survival mode. I kicked him out last year for a bit and he said he didn’t want to lose his family and he would try. It did get a bit better. He was seeing a counsellor but he’d still go off on one but maybe not as often and there were financial issues I had also.

Id had enough 2 months ago and said that’s it I’m done. However everything moved really fast, house went on market, we were sorting stuff out and it all became very real and after a month I said to him I wasn’t sure if I’d made the right decision as we’ve been together so long, maybe we can try and work this out, go to counselling etc.

he said he’d mentally detached from me and in his head he was single, then I suggested a trial separation and this made things even worse and he said he no longer trusts what I say, that the flame has gone and he doesn’t know if it will come back.

I can see a change in him, a guy who seems so calm now, who doesn’t rush off to the pub who wants to now really push his business in the right direction etc and I’ve wanted this for so long.

we’re very amicable and we’ve chatted about the fact that the spark has gone because after having our daughter, we made no effort on us, hardly any intimacy, separate beds, no kissing or cuddling, holding hands etc.

i said I think we should start again and go dating and bring that spark back we had. We both still fancy each other but he’s basically said he’s not sure if he wants to be with me now and he needs time to think.

I feel like I’ve just thrown it all away and I don’t know what to do.

anyone else been in this position? Did it work when you tried again?

He sounds like a head-wrecker to be honest.

@CheekyHobson do you think I should just forget trying to reconcile this?

He caused all the problems, you feel bad about splitting up, and he is considering whether to take you back. OP, he is making a fool of you. Don’t go on putting yourself and DD through this. He blames you for his own faults. You don’t want DD to grow up in this painful relationship.

Hi OP, you’re feeling this way because it feels safer to stick with what you know - even if it was a toxic situation. He told you he feels detached from you so listen to him. He maybe acting very good at this point because the pressure maybe off him and he is already looking to the future. But deep down he won’t have changed - that person is still there I promise you.

Look at seeing if you are co dependant. I was, it was the reason I stayed so long and when we split and he moved on I felt massive panic about what I was going to do next. Even asked him to get back with me. I am so so glad he said no because we’d be in exactly the same place as we were. When I look at him now I feel absolutely nothing.

Now is the time to find yourself. Really find yourself. Look at why you stayed so long, spend some time healing and growing as the new you.

You’ve been with him a long time so it will be a bit of a journey but you will 100% come out the other side. And you will be happier. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life yet a few years ago I could have drive my car in to a wall I was so stressed.

‘Too bad to stay, too good too leave’ is a really good book which will help you understand that you actually made the right decision 💐

@Hugosmaid i just feel like I’m throwing it all away and if we don’t try, I will regret it.

I do have anxious attachment and I am having counselling for this. I thought I’d dealt with it but it’s all come flooding back. The worst part is. Our dd seems to prefer spending time with her dad instead of me now and that makes me sad too. makes me feel like a bad mum who can’t make her diabetes happy.

how did you find yourself?
how long did it take you to be ok?
right now I don’t even know how I get through the day.

ive tried to distract myself and have made loads of plans with friends and family but he’s telling me I’m being selfish and not putting our daughter first and that I should just what to spend time with her and not anyone else.

I think there is never any point in trying to convince someone to do something that they are not wholeheartedly enthusiastic about doing on their own.

Also I seriously doubt he has changed. Drinkers tend to go back to the drink again and again and again.

"...he’s telling me I’m being selfish and not putting our daughter first and that I should just what to spend time with her and not anyone else."

Addicts lie, gaslight and mindfuck, and alcoholics are addicts. Please go back to counseling and STOP LISTENING TO HIM!

Sorry, OP, but he’s a twat and a mindfuck. Why should you want to spend all your time with only your daughter? You need adult company and friendship also. Let him go. It’s his behaviour which destroyed the relationship and he’s the one who’s decided not to reconcile.

You’ve been together for 15 years so you’re very used to having him in your life but you can and will get used to life without him. My Mum married at 18 and divorced my dad 34 years later. And built a great life without him and, in time, a very happy second marriage. Let him go. He sounds like an arsehole, to be frank.

I had/have anxious attachment. It’s actually to do with your childhood so you need to do a lot of work there. Dr Nicole LePera book ‘ Doing the work is excellent on this. She is on social media too.

Your ego ( the part of you that protects you) is telling you to reconcile because it’s feels safer. And it can keep us in really toxic situations when in fact we would be happier and safer elsewhere. The only real person that can make you feel safe is you.

You absolutely can do this, there is a fresh new you waiting to emerge.

My first two years were an absolute car crash because I was setting up a business which was very hard and dealing with the fall out of the separation as it got nasty. But I’ve been doing work on myself for about a year now and honestly - I am a new version of me - a better one. I work on myself every single day and no fucking way would I choose to be with my ex now.

I did have therapy - she pointed me in the right direction of inner child work. ( which sounds a bit woo woo but honestly it’s really helped) I wanted to talk about right now and my ex and she said we could - and we did but the real work was to be done over my childhood because that’s why I put up with so much shit and if it wasn’t dealt with I’d repeat the same shit over and over.

Park your feelings up about him up for a bit and poor buckets of love for yourself. It honestly isn’t about him.

Dm me if you like 💐

And you need that time out of the house with friends and family who will show you love and support. Dont listen to him. He wants you close and isolated so he can keep an eye on you. He will feel in control at the moment. When you start changing and getting stronger prepare for tantrums.

When you come back go up to your room with your daughter, cuddle her, read , colour pictures and tell her how amazing she is and how much you love her. Tell her consistently through out the day - that connection will really help you also

Is he still drinking?

@Hugosmaid i will DM you if you’re ok with that. It’s nice to chat to someone who’s been through this.

@LIZS not really. Been out a handful of times since we split.