My Dad has been dead for 1 year

[PossumBussum]

And I still can't get my head around it. I just can't comprehend that he is no longer here. It feels like an impossibility.

Does anyone else feel like this? I absolutely understand logically that he is dead. He died. But whenever I think of him it just seems impossible that he is no longer here.

I am having counselling. I'm just wondering if other people feel the same. I'm mid 30s, he died from a short rare illness at 58. Too young.

My dad died 24 years ago . He was early 60s and he was an older dad when I was born. I had him for too short of a time and I still miss him. I totally understand what you mean when you can't believe he is not here despite knowing that he isn't. It's good you are getting counselling I wish I had done but I was young and I thought I would be ok.

Yes I’m the same. My dad has been dead for 14 months. I still haven’t grieved ‘properly’ because it’s not yet sunk in that I will never see him again.

Yes. I had the same when my DM died when I was in my mid-20s. It does pass. But it takes time.

My father passed away at 69, I was 29. I know how you feel.
I was still living at home with my parents, working, having fun travelling. Didn’t see it coming.
He was still pushing himself, he died two weeks after he went to bed for the last time. Pancreatic cancer.
He was planning on chemo, we thought it was going to be ok. We learnt it had spread everywhere, his brain etc. There was never any hope.

I’m so sorry, it does get better. I try to only recall happy memories and if bad creep in I get up and do something.

I don’t think of it as “I’ll never see him again” or “he’s gone”. I feel like he’s with me, not every day or all the time. But now and again, the things I say, value, way we raise our child, I have photos, speak of him often- that kind of thing. I’m not religious, I don’t believe in God.

I’m privileged to have had a lovely childhood, as are all of you if you are posting here. 💐

I'm sorry everyone feeling similar, it's shit isn't it.

I don't think I've started to grieve yet, it still feels like shock. I'm generally a very logical and sensible person, but it still seems incomprehensible that he is no longer here. He was the best man I've ever come across. That almost seems worse. Such a good man is gone, and everywhere I see such shitty men.

I am just starting to accept it, mum died 27 months ago, and dad 20 months. It’s no longer the first thing I think when I wake up, and it’s started to seem real. It’s been much much harder than I ever thought.

I haven’t worked since my dad died, and I’m just starting to imagine a return to work.

I think there’s a lot to do with losing someone ‘young’. My husband’s dad was only 56 when he died and my husband struggled to come to terms with it for years. He missed out on so much, predominately becoming a grandad and my husband felt really sad about that.

My own dad died well into his 90s, so my experience has been vastly different in that it was easy to accept someone dying after a long life, well-lived.

I lost my Dad 4 months ago and I still cannot wrap my head around it. I still go to ring him when I’m driving back from work and then remember I can’t. The only way I can describe it is wanting to go home, but to a home that doesn’t exist. He was only 56, fit as a fiddle and he died from a brain injury caused by a sudden cardiac arrest. My single comfort is that I got to have three precious weeks with him after they got him back.

People say that it gets ‘easier’ but I can’t imagine ever not missing him so viscerally 😞 I’m sorry for your loss ❤️‍🩹

Absolutely. I lost my Mum in January so I am earlier into this horrible journey than some of you, but it still doesn't feel completely real. I know she is gone, I sat and held her hand as it happened, but it just still doesn't feel possible. She was my best friend and an amazing mum and I can't believe that she is no longer here. I find myself staring out of the window a lot just wondering where she is.

I am sorry that everyone on this thread is feeling the same 💐

Would anyone who has had grief counselling recommend it? I feel like I need to talk to someone to get all of these thoughts out, but don't really know where to start.

I'm so sorry.

I've had PTSD therapy to deal with the death, mostly focused on his suffering that I witnessed. I think that traumatised me more than him being gone. It's helped me process things but it hasn't helped me be any less sad. I don't think there's a way to be less sad from what I've heard. You just get less sad with time.

I am truly sorry for your loss.

Are your dad's personal belongings still as he left them? Is there a grave or memorial place you could visit? When my mom died, visiting her grave often was helpful for me. Her spirit was all around, but I could separate the physical loss from that. It was a very hard time.

Still is. Grief does not go away. You just grow up to it. Hugs to you, OP!

My Dad died in February. I honestly feel the whole foundation of my life has gone.

I now have no living parents and I had no idea how lost this would make me feel.

I feel your pain @PossumBussum

I completely understand. I lost my dad at 30 and he was 58 too. He was so healthy and took good care of himself that when he got ill, it was a huge shock. He died a few months later and though I watched it happen I still expected him to walk in the door at any moment for a long time. It was like one day I’d woken up in a nightmare life that wasn’t my own. I think it’s our brains way of trying to protect us from immeasurable pain and is probably quite normal. It’s been 2 years now and it’s sunk in a little bit more now, but I hate going to his grave or anything that reminds me that he is actually dead or of his suffering. My brain knows it but being confronted with the reality of his name on a headstone is so painful. I think I’ve spent the last 2 years rebuilding a life rather than really grieving.
I’m very sorry for your loss

I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad OP.

It is so beautiful the way you speak about him with so much love.

I hope the counselling will help you. Of course I always knew what death was, but when I lost my father I just could not accept that this meant I would never see him again, how could that possibly be. It took a long time to accept that was the reality. Grief is a process with no short cuts unfortunately.
Sending love to you

Sorry for your loss, OP. In some ways, you may never get your head around it. My Mum died in 2013. There’s still part of me that thinks “WTF, Mum - you don’t ring, you don’t write -WTF!!!” (I genuinely feel that sweary about it). You get used to living with the absence but in my experience it never really computes.

I wasn’t close to my dad and he was abusive and I have so many unhappy memories from childhood

i had/have an enormous sense of loss

the only way I can describe it is that a constant part of my life good and bad disappeared

My last parent died in 2022. 6 weeks later my Partner died (both cancer).
I miss him so much. I still can't quite believe I'll never see him again (in this life).

I know how you feel OP. I'm late 50s now and lost my parents a while ago, but this time last year my sister died of a very rare cancer. It was so sudden and so unexpected.
I still don't believe she isn't here; I want to talk to her about it, in a sort of "wtf" way.
My main concern was for her DH and children, so my grieving has taken a back seat. I don't really know when/if it'll come.

I get irrationally angry with DH for having all his family around still. It's not his fault!

As you say, you know logically it's happened, but how can they be here, and then ... not?

I am so sorry for your loss, losing a parent is so hard. It is still very early days. I had counselling but it took me 3 attempts to find a counsellor I could relate to. I also attended group grief sessions which I found invaluable, it just helps you feel less alone with the bone aching loneliness of grief.
I have learned there are no short cuts for grief the only thing to do for grief is to grieve. It takes time to accept someone has gone and for the reality of life without that person to sink in
Your grief won't go away but your life will grow around it, life comes back slowly but surely it does return. In the meantime please be very kind to yourself and do what you need to do to get yourself through x

OP I forgot to mention I found talking to other people who got it really helpful. Have you heard of Let’s Talk about Loss? It’s for people age 18-35 to come together and speak to other people their age about their experiences. I found it very helpful in the early days

Sending love and hugs to all who are feeling the loss of their mum and/or dad.

It’s a long time since mine died but I still miss them and sometimes want to tell them about something that happened. Not necessarily important things but something they would have enjoyed or been interested in. They had difficult lives, and I hope they are happy and peaceful now.

I wish they could have met my DH and known things would turn out well.

The pain does fade as time passes, in my experience. But the love doesn’t.