Do you ever get fed up…

[Greenfinger7777]

of having an argument then the reaction afterwards?
I wouldn’t say the argument ever really needs to be that bad but the silent treatment, the turning it around so it’s my fault or saying “well you do this” instead of just taking some accountability…
3 weeks after an argument DH is still sleeping on the couch. Usually when this happens, he slowly starts to act normal with me and we never actually address the issue which doesn’t seem healthy IMO. The years of unresolved arguments just causes more resentment really.
I guess this time I just feel completely done and drained by this massive man child. The only thing that keeps me here is the kids.

No wise words from me. Your husband is a dick

3 weeks!
In 28 years we’ve never had this. I might have gone off to bed and he’s stayed down watching TV, but he comes up to bed and then we snuggle in together, with cross words forgotten.

Yep, 27 years here. My ex was a bit like yours op, I couldn’t talk to him, he was always right and I was always wrong; no respect for my pov or feelings, etc. a terrible, toxic place for children to grow up in and not a place I deserved to be in. We were all happier after I left him.

Please don’t stay just for the kids OP. You don’t say how old they are but they will be affected by the atmosphere for sure. 3 weeks on the couch?!

His behaviour is childish and pathetic. If he’s so annoyed that he exhibits isolationist behaviour like this it would seem that he not only dislikes you but is punishing you.

Its such bleddy hard work coping with prats like this.
I know what I’d do. Life’s too short.

My DH has never done this. I’m very sorry, OP, but what you’re describing is emotional abuse.

It’s horrible. I never argue with my husband, however I would point out that this is because he is my third husband and neither of us would tolerate any of the silent treatment / sulking / passive aggressiveness which come with actual arguments. You can have difficult conversations without them being arguments. Please do not tolerate this from your husband. Your children will not benefit from repeating the same behaviours.

You’re married to a sulky 12-year-old boy. That is not adult behaviour.

Yes he's controlling you to getting his own way and for you never to be upset by his behaviour.

He's training you.

Never go to sleep on an argument and never remain with a prick like this.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Just as importantly what do you want to teach your children about and what are they learning here?. A shedload of damaging lessons that is what.

Do not stay with such a man for the sake of the sake of the children. It is precisely because of them you should separate from him. The treatment he meets out here too, and in turn his children, is abusive. His silent treatment is an example of emotional abuse. To an abuser it’s always the other persons fault, never their own and yet again he is not taking any responsibility for his actions. Such men never do and again that is because he is abusive.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

He’s bastard and you’re in an abusive relationship. He’ll wear you down until you don’t recognise yourself if you stay with him. It’s not good for your kids to see it either.

We squabble it out and then end up as smoochie as ever.

An argument clears the air most of the time.

My H only slept on the couch when I was overnight in hospital with baby because he couldn't sleep in bed without me.

I would ignore him completely, no dinner, no laundry, nothing. He wants to be Mr Bedsit then give bedsit to him, hook, line and sinker.

Never had silent treatment more than a few hours, and if he was sleeping on the couch I would be calling him up on it straight away to sort it out. What a waste of everyone's time.

I think you know this OP but he sounds like a massive child and I wouldn't be able to cope. Also silent treatment is a form of abuse so seek out the necessary support if you need it.

He’s trying to act normal with me like he usually does and I just cannot do it this time. I feel like I’ve finally snapped. This must feel crazy to him because I always just back down but something in me this time has just changed and I can’t tolerate it anymore. But I am making my feelings really clear.

But when we say cross words forgotten do you come to a compromise and both forgive one another? Or does one person blame the other

You shouldn't back down! He's trying to train you to never have a disagreement with him by punishing you and making your life unbearable if you ever do. The issue needs to be dealt with once and for all or you need to separate.
I would tell him you need to go to counseling or have a serious discussion about this pattern of behaviour from him or you are going to split.
My DH and I had a similar serious discussion this time last year and honestly while it was so painful, it allowed us to see the other point of view and out relationship improved dramatically. The threat of it all ending helped us pull our heads from our arses.

Op I have seen both; I used to have to back down every time because the fallout was too awful. With my ‘new’ dh we talk, listen, discuss, compromise, work it out. Both our viewpoints are respected and if we’re not happy we can say so without fear of recriminations. He accepts that sometimes I react because I’m dealing with stress elsewhere, or feeling ill or upset. He gives me time and space when I need it, and I do with him. It’s makes all the difference in the world!

No I never get fed up of having an argument because I get the silent treatment afterwards. Because in 30 years of marriage I've never experienced it or doled it out. Yeah we've had some humdingers of arguments and once or twice over that time slept apart (actually I only remember once and that was when we disagreed over the Iraq war)

This isn't normal and isn't something you just have to accept.

So last Monday I said something to my dh about how I felt about something that is going on with us He was hurt by it - don't blame him I used the word "selfish" and he generally isn't selfish. a day later he told me how he felt and I apologised because I had been hurtful and could have phrased it better. But I also said "but here's why I said that" and he took that on board. We then chatted a bit about it on and off over the next few days but felt closer generally because we had felt so wretched when we were "fighting" and so much better when we had sorted it out.

Just as an update we had a talk last night. I’m not really sure where we go from here but we were both very open and honest. He’s apologised for some things that have happened and basically said I need to forgive and forget and move on. He wants peace I want war apparently. I told him point blank last night that I don’t think he’s telling the truth about one of the arguments and so I’ll never forgive and forget that one. He’s left it with me to decide what I want to do. When I asked him if he wanted to stay he said “of course I want to see the kids when they wake up and say goodnight” I said oh so nothing about me. He said of course but I can’t say that at the moment! I’m a little stuck/ lost and not sure where to go from here. It’s taken him weeks to apologise and he’s basically given me the ultimatum that if I don’t forgive and forget, he’s off.

So he’s apologised, but you have to do the work??? An apology means nothing without change. He’s trying to get you to change by making it up to you to ‘forgive and forget’.

op I would think about what exactly you would like him to change. Be specific. Give him some targets to focus on; even just one! Ask him to do that and see if he actually takes ownership and does what you ask. Then you’ll see if he’s genuine about caring about what YOU want.

I asked him to go to marriage counselling and he won’t.
He knows I struggle with the whole forgive and forget which is even harder after making me wait weeks for an apology. I feel like the decision is being put in my hands but we’ve both given up.

My ex husband was like this and exactly why I left, arguments were pointless and I’d get the silent treatment for weeks

I feel crazily frustrated because now he’s turned it back on me.

3 weeks!

Our worst ever row was over in a day. We sat down and discussed it, acknowledged who was till pissed off but that we had to move on.

3 Weeks! There's something not right about this dynamic.

I can't imagine it's every much fun? Especially if it's always your fault and you are trying to to trigger that response.

It’s more like 5 now since this was posted. Like I say, we had a chat and now it’s forgive and forget or we are going to have to find a way to move on separately. He’s refused marriage counselling. It’s always me initiating a conversation. A lot of the time we argue, it’s turned back on me. Now he’s decided to apologise but it’s me that has to forgive and forget. I feel like I’m going mad and don’t know what else to do.