I hate my Husband working away and feel resentful.

[NippyCrab]

For the last 2 years my Husband of 3 years has been working away. Its been with 3 different companies who all had continuity of work. The company he works with now is a really great company. They have a great team, fab incentives to stay such as private healthcare, the money isn't out of this world but is better than if he had a job at home or within realistic travelling distance.
We've been together 6 years, both had been married before.
This is where the resentful part comes. I have health issues, I've always worked until 2022 when my conditions caused a huge flare and I was house bound for a few months, I still work from home albeit so much less.
For the last 2 years I took care of my MIL who passed away Dec 23, I did it all on my own, physically and mentally. She became very sick quickly and the last 6 months of her life was awful, she was in so much pain and distress. He has a huge family, everyone wanted updates everyday via phone calls to me, or on a whatsapp group but not one person came to help in person. It was a fight to get her care, from insisting she was hospitalised, trying to get carers in, then fighting to keep her in hospital when they wanted to discharge her. I dealt with every phone call, every consultant and nurses. I went to every appointment, scan and visited every day. I looked after her home, did the washing to be taken back to the hospital. I had our dogs to look after too, large dogs. I still look after the dogs, one is elderly and soiling in the house now so it's more constant cleaning and washing.
My husband works 2 weeks away with 3 days off and travels back on the 4th day. He comes home with all his washing, dumps everything, leaves stuff at his arse. He doesn't walk the dogs voluntarily to give me at least a day off. The elderly dog is up during the night at least twice so I don't get a full sleep. I cook every night he's home, from scratch and clean up. I'm exhausted, I'm in tears most days with feeling just so lonely. The dogs and the house and work use up all my energy and more. I feel I'm constantly moaning. We rent, there was new heating and insulation done recently and anytime I mentioned it was an upheaval the reply was think of the benefits etc. Yes I know but sometimes a reply of ffs that's a lot, you're doing great dealing with it all.
There's nothing to keep me here in this area, I've broached the subject of us renting a property closer to his job. His employers have said there's 3 years more work in the area he is and then another not much further up the country.
I've tried speaking about this to him and he is saying I need to speak to his employer.
Am I being pathetic feeling like I'm just a cleaner/housekeeper/provider of meals and sex? I feel I should just move for a fresh start. I can't make a huge decision on my own In case it's a knee jerk reaction to how I'm feeling.
I often feel I'm going on about petty stuff. I have depression and I'm an overthinker, is the depression making me feel doom and gloom and negative or do I have grounds for griping? I just want to escape.
I'm prepared for some horrible replies but please be kind to me I'm struggling emotionally and physically. 🙏

You need to start getting angry. Sadly your DH is a total arsehole. If he's living away he can organise his own washing in evenings. He should be coming home to support you. When his mum was ill he should have been dealing with her, not you.

You'd almost certainly be better off without him.

My friends said the same at the time, I used to get to a point where I took so much and got angry and blew up. It would change for a while then creep back in.
He's just called me mate in a message, he's obviously not invested in even messaging. I felt a lurch of annoyance but mostly I'm in tears today. I can't wait to go to bed once the dogs have had a last pee.

You've been taken advantage of terribly by his family. Was it him and his siblings or extended family that didn't help with MIL?

You must be emotionally and physically drained, bless you. You've done an awful lot and do so much still. It's seriously time to consider yourself above everything

@Itiswhysofew it was extended family and close friends of the family. Friends who saw her weekly before she took unwell didn't visit in the hospital, her neighbour who is very ill visited twice a week. She was and still is amazing. The family were her siblings so older, nieces and nephews too. Even if someone had offered to do the odd load of nightwear from the hospital it would have been great.
I do feel drained, as if the energy has been sucked dry. This is such a depressing thread, I do try and keep positive and put a face on but I'm really struggling the last 4 months.

Thank you to you all for the support. I'm going to try and get to sleep as early as I can. Hopefully, for once, I can get a full uninterrupted sleep.

Sleep tight, OP. Things will get better.

Wow he's really done a number on you hasn't he? Not only was he able to secure a housekeeper and dog sitter but also a full time carer for his mum. What do you get out of this relationship? If the roles were reversed would he have looked after your family member? Do you think he loves and values you?

I see not one reason to stay with this selfish, lazy, entitled man. He sounds revolting and brings nothing good to your life.
I have chronic health conditions and completely understand the need for support both emotionally and physically.
Leave him. You will be happier. Get a smaller place in an area you want to be. It will be so much nicer. Start looking at flats to rent now. Leave and don't look back he does not deserve you.
As you are renting and have no kids it is so much easier.
Go and be free.

Good morning, I managed 6 hours sleep which is brilliant. I still feel rubbish today. I think, he thinks he values me but its all words at times. I need to write down what I need to say to him when he comes home. I can't brush this under the carpet.
To move to a more manageable home would be amazing, to not be responsible for anyone would be absolute bliss.
I need to make sure that any decision I make is thought through and I'm not jumping on impulse.
@PamPamPamPam I have gotten a lot of good things but also I've had a lot of drama. It would be red flags galore on here. I know he loves me, but there's always that doubt which makes me feel I'm being needy, I should be secure but I don't feel it.
@BringMeSunshineAllDayLong having a condition makes me want to try harder to prove I'm "normal" before I was diagnosed I pushed myself to be like other women. Having a career and keeping a house and hobbies. I was the main earner with my ex husband and he was very material focused. I wanted a rural cottage with my pets and chickens and he wanted a stepford wife with a flash car and house. When I eventually got the cottage, I left him 😂 and started again. I shouldn't have gotten married again, there were so many things saying don't do it but I did.

Absolutely, if you have the correct balance and respect in a relationship it can work and work well.

Id leave him
I can’t believe you did all the care of HIS mother !!!!

put yourself first now

I think you'll feel much better in yourself if you know you have a plan.

Sadly your H is treating you like a maid, and his family was no better when your MIL was unwell.

If you can manage without him financially then it sounds as though it is time to call it a day. This isn't a relationship that makes you feel valued, and that is soul destroying.

It's not like you have to suddenly leave tomorrow, but knowing what you will do and when will give you a bit of a lease of life I think. Imagine what life could be like in a smaller home with a little garden, no washing being dumped on you each weekend and no "chin up love it could be worse" type comments from someone who should be bloody grateful you're home with the dogs and holding the fort whilst they are away!

This.
I’m absolutely shocked and horrified that he and his family let you be the sole carer and manager of medical affairs for HIS mother. What exactly does he bring to your life?
Whatever you do, (I’d be off in those circumstances but anyway) you need to read up on and enact advice about how to identify and enact your own boundaries.
Tons of useful stuff online.
I really wish you a happier more fulfilling life. If you stay with him, use that time he’s away to suit you - make the most of it

I feel quite emotional reading your posts. Firstly, I feel your sadless and exhasution and pain. It reads as though you're overwhelmed by all the negative things in your life. Unfortunately your husband is the most negative of them all.

Not only does he contribute nothing, he doesn't appear to be remotely grateful for all you do and have done. He appears to take you for granted. You make his life easier and more pleasant. He makes your life harder and more stressful.

You can leave him, and I suspect that your life would be much better without him in it. Put yourself first for once. You've put him and other people first all your life. That's fine if those people are putting you first in return, but they aren't. He isn't. He takes you for granted and as a result doesn't respect you or worry about you or support you as a spouse should. So - stop worrying about him and his family and start thinking about what YOU want.

That brings me to the second emotion I felt reading your posts. It was a hopeful feeling. You seem to know what would make you happier.... less running around after other people, a cottage in the country, chickens, a smaller place to look after, a peaceful life. And you can make that happen.

Take some time to think about what you really want. What would make you happy. What would be positive for your mental and physical health. Then think about how you can make it happen. It might be in small steps but it's a plan. And every small step is a step towards making it happen. That alone may help to make you start feeling more positive and happier.

And please talk to your GP in the meantime if you think it would help to have some treatment to help with your mood and strength.

I feel really hopeful for you. You can do this.

Him working away isn't the issue, lots of jobs have people working away. The problem you have is he is a lazy arse, who treats you more like the hired help than a partner.

You're not well, he needs to understand that and not expect you to "perform" when he is home. He gets lots of time to relax I bet, so you need the same he needs to step up or you need to leave.

Sorry about your dog. I have an 18yo cat who does very similar, and it's so hard constantly cleaning his mess and dealing with the constant wake ups and his medical condition means he's desperately clingy and doesn't care what time of night it is. He seems happy though, so can't bring myself to put him to sleep but I doubt he will see out the year.

All I want to say if you were a true blessing in your MIL's life. And please, please start putting yourself first. You deserve it so much.

Thank you everyone for your posts and comments, you are all typing what I know and feel is right. I've said so many times I just want peace, i want simple things not fancy. I want a home thats properly decorated that I can live in and enjoy coming home too.
Yesterday was a really bad day mentally I don't want to feel like that again, ever. Yes he does get a lot of time to chill because he takes it, I don't because there are thing to be done. I can't say fuck it I'm going to relax because eventually I will have to do the things anyway. He doesn't, he goes away again and leaves a shit show behind.
Last year I attended 2 groups, one was for MH and it was about boundaries and coping with life situations. The other, which is still ongoing is for pain management. One was weekly and the pain one is monthly. I was to attend at the mental health facility for an afternoon, there were weeks I didn't manage because I had to attend the hospital or I had to accompany MIL to scans. I won't forget how that was allowed to happen. I always turned my phone off and people knew I needed these groups but I still had missed calls and messages when I checked my phone. That alone tipped me over the edge at the end of last year.
The problem is I feel I'm going over things that have happened and things I can't change now and for what? For him to say I'm sorry but it was months ago I can't change it.
Reading your posts, I feel yep what do I get in return? Do I get my garden done for me? Do I get something done for me that fulfills me? No, I'm always bending to accommodate him, I am aware that it's how I've been conditioned in my previous marriage but now I'm being taken advantage of again because its easy to manipulate me. He has an easy life.
I do things because it's easier than to leave them.
My MIL was such a lovely woman, we were close before she was ill but we really got bonded in her last months.
I think I should get another referal from my GP to the MH team again.
For a group only, I would like to try one on one therapy independently.
I feel a bit better today, numb but not in despair. I'm just going along with whatever he's saying in messages and calls because I don't have the energy to disagree or communicate my feelings.
It's best in person over the days he's here.
The one nugget I have in my head is that I have time to plan, I can do this right and not make a rash I'm leaving right now decision. I need to make sure I have it all thought out. Most importantly, I need to get some sort of deposit for rent behind me, and this place needs sorted. I have all the paint, it needs carpeted throughout and the gardener will sort out the garden over the next 6 months for sure.

@MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel it's so hard when they get old. The dog isn't on her last legs yet, she has happiness in her eyes, she has vestibular syndrome. I wouldn't let her drag on in pain. Like you, I can see she's not done yet. X

A positive update, one of my friends has offered me a cottage on her estate and I've said yes. I've organised mostly everything and I leave Sat morning. I can stay for a few months and just get time to decide what I need and want to do. Thank you everyone. My husband is home Friday evening so I will be able to do a face to face conversation. Obviously the dogs are coming, there's a good vet not far away thats been recommended by my own vet so I can register temporarily for them. I need to sort my own GP and medication but I have plenty for a month anyway. Time for a new beginning for me.

Great news.

Great news indeed. Time for him to start doing his own laundry and for you to have a well deserved rest.

I'm not sharing how to work any appliance either 😂

Good news!

That’s great news! Whatever direction you go in future I wish you all the very best 😊

Excellent news. You'll genuinely be happier alone I think.