So my mum passed away just 2 months ago and I was very close to her, since then i've had 2 breakdowns and all I wanted to do is just kill myself. 2 weeks ago my wife left because she had her own mental health issues to sort and left me alone to deal with that and my grief. But when going through the breakdowns i've emotionally abused my wife, I know I'm wrong, I said I blame her for my death, she has cheated, I'll tell her job about her lies and I'll mess up the moving application. We were supposed to be moving from a 1 bed flat to a 2 bed flat. I know what I said was completely wrong and I hold my hands up to it. My wife has had physical and emotional abuse in the past with old boyfriends so I've joined the club. However, she is not totally innocent herself. She has worked at a salon and did sexual things for money, she has been on a sugar daddy website and met someone (reason for this was to pay for the wedding but she was too scared to tell me she didn't have the money to give). She constantly talked to one of her abusive ex boyfriends, hid his name on her phone to a girls name and deleted conversations. When she did get pregnant she sadly had a miscarriage but kept this all from me and went to this guys house to tell him, smoke weed with him and chat. She said nothing sexual happened and I just have to accept it's the truth. She randomly disappears and makes me worried that she's hurt and doesn't respond to any texts or call. She wants to be alone. So now when she did it before I leave her alone. Yet when I want some space, she runs after me and I had to run faster to get into my car and drive off, she would then bombard my phone and threaten to call the police on me if I don't respond. With all of this that she has done she's not mentioned one word of it to the women's refuge. Where I have admitted everything I've done and she has done.
I do love her and I do want to work things out, as we've had good times together and I know I'd never do better than her. I'm seeking professional help and have made it clear that I am not innocent, I've said the things i've said. What my wife has done as well. I'm all about speaking the truth. Yet my wife when telling the women's refuge only spoke my mum died and she's getting emotionally abused. She's not mentioned the hurtful things she has done to me. I'm painted as the 100% one in the wrong. I am wrong no doubt, but I fear this refuge will force me out of the home and onto the streets. The grief I am going through is part of the anger and hateful texts i've sent and the Samaritans understand it's part of the grief I am going through. I need help to sort this I do, but the women's refuge have dismissed my grief and act like i'm just an evil person.
I genuinely have no idea what to do. Her mum, her aunt, this women's refuge I feel will forcefully push me out of our home which I don't want to happen. I've got nothing, no one to go to, no friends, no family that are close. She at least has her mum and aunt near by. If we need to separate but not divorce and we both work on each other before reuniting I'm happy with it, but I don't want to be the one on the streets whilst she has a place to call home, it's not fair.