Feel like everything is falling apart after 5 years of hell

[Afterdinnerchocs]

After what feels like 5 years of hell I'm finally starting to come out of the fog and I've realised I don't like my life.

Close family death, shit medical diagnosis and the resulting surgeries and an unsupportive husband.

I went to pretty much every doctors and hospital appointment by myself, faced countless tests, scans and conversations with medical personnel with no one at my side.

The day I lost my family member I came home and I'd spoken to my husband and said I was worried he would say something wrong so could he please think very carefully about what he was about to say to me or just wait for me to come to him for support.
He instead decided to pack up the kids and go to his parents and leave me on my own. I was dying inside, never felt pain like it before or since (have lost people before and although it hurt, this was absolutely heartbreaking) and I had to sit here on my own not even able to breathe properly. When visiting the Chapel of rest so a family member could say her goodbyes, he made me cry on the way to her house and despite me begging him to stop talking he wouldn't and I ended up on the floor crying and sobbing.

Since my surgeries he has said very hurtful things about how I now look because of what choices I made to stay alive for myself and my family. Making me feel self-conscious about my body. Before my surgery he had already made a comment about how things didn't feel the same after I had our last child and sex wasn't the same. So to add that and the new comment together, he has made me feel absolutely shit about myself.

Well we ended up arguing because he felt like I was rejected his advances and tbh yes I was because well amazingly enough when you say these things out loud they stay with a person. This is despite him having his own problems in the bedroom (ED) and not seeking help for the issue or willing to take medication or even discuss it with me.

He says he loves me and doesn't want us to split but I'm having a hard time looking at him the same way, wanting him to touch me and don't feel like I love him anymore.

I'm scared that menopause is making me make decisions I might regret but just can't look at him without all that taking over my mind. I'm currently a SAHM but have a job lined up which should hopefully give me enough money to survive without his wage but it will be tight. I don't know how our children will cope with the split (13 and 9 yr olds) but I just don't think I can carry on being unhappy to make everyone else happy.

Oh it's such a mess

I'm sure your going through these difficulties. Have you tired couple counselling? A lot of the timw is miscommunication and not understand each others needs or boundaries.

If you feel its over, I think it's a good idea to look for employment to help you with a future independent life.

I said we needed counselling and he said we didn't, we just needed to spend more time together

You didn't/don't deserve any of this. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.

I will absolutely defend him regarding our children. I know on here people say oh but his a good dad, he really is a good dad. Spends loads of time with them, takes them to activities and is very present in their lives. But his a shit husband

A good dad doesn't treat their mother like shit.

Do you want your children to think that this is how relationships are meant to be?

@Afterdinnerchocs I'm not necessarily defending your husband but it does sound like you are processing a lot with the menopause and also medical stuff etc. When he took the kids to his parents, was he trying to give you a break? When he said sex was different, was it as part of a wider conversation rather than him a attacking you? Could you not try counselling alone to unpick this?

He can still be a good dad, but no longer your partner.

Now you're coming out of the immediate storm of your illness and grief, it's not surprising that his lack of emotional support has left the relationship broken.

He expects you to have sex with him when he treats you like that?

Wow.

We will have to agree to disagree on the good dad part. A good dad treats their children's mother with a basic level of care and respect, even if they're not together. Sounds like you need to get things in order to leave - start preparing now so when you're settled in your new job you can make the leap. What will you regret more - living with this nasty arsehole for the rest of your life, or leaving to live in a place of emotional safety where you're not having to second guess how you might be triggered next by him.

I didn't need a break, I needed to not be left alone when I was so vulnerable but it just didn't occur to him that leaving me alone was a bad idea.

He started out saying lovely things and was really nice and then ended with his views on what was wrong with that part of our relationship. Attacked an intimate part of my body after I had our children. He has a way of saying things that are not nice in a not nice way, so now for years I've felt like his just going through the motions in the bedroom and when he says things in the heat of the moment a voice in my head says his a lying twat.
He wishes I could just forget what was said but I can't.
I tried counselling but it didn't help, too much to sort out and I didn't know what I should focus on. I didn't have the emotional energy to sort out the marriage when dealing with grief and then all the surgeries and tests. So I focused on getting well and trying to stop myself drowning in the despair I was suffering from with losing a family member.