Am I being so immature?

[Notalwaydaisies]

Need a quick head check!

Seeing a nice guy for a good while- he’s lovely, meet 1-2 times a week because I have kids with additional needs and not quite ready to do the mammoth task of introducing them all until I’m 💯 it would all work (my daily life with them is full on and he is sweetly naive thinking it will all be rainbows as he has nieces and nephews who are all neurotypical which is verrry different from my 2 but that’s another thread for another day.

my question is around the bedroom -
no friends in real life to bounce this off. He’s waaay more experienced than me (fine) and I’d say our sex life is (for me) pretty adventurous tho for many others I’ve say prob not. He nearly always instigates it, admits to having a high sex drive, is very Dominant (not in a scary way) all a bit new as I’ve previously been in the 2
positions/
romantic/ kissing fall asleep arena and he’s more…..6
positions, more hardcore, sleep for a bit and go again. Not bad, just different. Which is nice at my grand old age of 44.

lately he keeps bringing up how much he’d like me to take charge- instigate it more, be on top more, and tonight said he like to see me drunk to see if it would make
more “dominant”. Weirdly made me feel like I’m 17 again and not quite doing it right 😵‍💫I thought things were pretty full on in bedroom but clealry
he wants me
to be more…..dominant, but I’m just not! Nauturally am quite shy, love sex with him but def get a bit self conscious about my mum wobbly bits which we laugh off but to hear him tonight say it would be good to see me drunk to see If I’m more confident / forward just made me feel a bit crap like I’m not doing what he likes just now.

am I being daft and the new 2024 sex language is open communication and lots of changing things up and women dominating? Or do I have any tiny validity in feeling a bit peeved he wants me to change my
bedroom ways and become dominating when I really would find that embarrassing to do?

Open communication is good. Asking you to be drunk so your out your comfort zone isn’t. If you don’t want to be on top then you shouldn’t feel pressured. If you don’t want to dominate him that’s perfectly fine. It seems your sexual interests aren’t aligned. It would be good to have an open and honest conversation. Just don’t feel pressured to do anything your uncomfortable with and he shouldn’t want you doing anything that makes you feel like that, how can it be a turn on.

Saying things which make you 'feel crap' isn't the new modern trend. It's just a bloke who's trying to push you to fulfil his perhaps porn-fed sexual fantasies. While it's fine to talk openly about fantasies and explore etc, it should be done honestly, openly, and with mutual respect. It doesn't sound as if that's what happening here, as he's left you feeling insecure about yourself and pressured. You need to establish boundaries and say what you're comfortable with.

Incidentally, a friend recently told me about a female 'sub' she knows, - and said it's actually her/the woman who's in charge in the sub/dom relationship. So your BF's 'dominating' stuff may actually be about him deeply wanting the reverse.

He clearly finds you very attractive and sexy, and that should be a source of confidence etc not making you feel less.

What's next after you get drunk? A dominatrix outfit? A whip? A dog collar? Choking?
If that's someone's thing, fine. Well, maybe not the choking. But he seems to be making you uncomfortable - as your relationship has continued, you are becoming less at ease with him in that department, and that's the exact opposite of what should be happening. He's telling you who he is, and if that's not compatible with who you are, he may not be the guy for you.

I can’t really work out why I feel uncomfortable. Maybe Because I thought our sex life was good (like impressively good lol) and it feels now like he wants it to be different and I think I’m self conscious about it and right out my comfort zone being more dominant and maybe not giving him what he wants and needs. and the getting me drunk to see if it is would make me more confident is a bit …..strange?

I think by dominant, he means "more confident". As in show him what you want rather than just have him lead you around. Men generally like women to be active participants and not just participants.

I guess I’m not confident, and I’ve been enjoying what we’ve been doing and I thought he did too, and I actually don’t think I can “be” more confident so it’s maybe a bit less compatible Than I thought ☹️ah why did I think relationships would be easier in our 40’s 😂

My experience of guys like this is that they just escalate and escalate, there's always something else they want to do sexually, nothing is ever good enough. Fuck that noise.

My advice is, if you wouldn't do it sober, then don't do it drunk. You'll likely only feel like shit afterwards.

I think it's a huge red flag that he wants to chemically disinhibit you. Be very careful about him pouring you drinks as he's said this.

What I'd advise you is "look, I enjoy our sex life as it is, and this is as far as I want to play. If you want me to be someone else, go look for them." It's one thing to be giving and game in bed, and quite another to start doing things you've no interest in at all yourself.

Although to be fair, I mostly saw the word dominant and jumped to some pretty strong BDSM practices which on rereading aren't the case.

But I still stand by don't do anything drunk you wouldn't do sober and don't let him spike you.

Honestly you need to just speak to him about how him asking you to be more confident actually dented your confidence and has made you feel not good enough.
my husband was quite inexperienced when we got together and I was possibly the more dominant one. Over time though and as we have built on our relationship and closeness he has changed and developed into a whole new man in the bedroom- still surprising me 15 years on. But this has taken time and his confidence has grown naturally and we find new things each other likes over this time. If we had stayed nice and vanilla I would have been equally happy as he is the man I live and how he acts in bed is just a bonus and not the prize.
Does that make sense? Who you are is who you are and your boyfriend should be having sex with who you are and not who he wants you to be. So for now he needs to give you the time and attention to help build up your confidence which may or may not mean you gradually become more dominant or vocal in the bedroom.