Girls night fall out, emotional abuse?

[Starr83]

Hello. I think I’m in the trenches of emotional abuse, but it’s been building up for a couple of years, so I just want to clarify this scenario to get other people’s thoughts.

I have been with my DP for almost three years. We don’t live together. I’m a completely solo mum to my 7 year old DS. He has two DC whom he has 50% of the time.

I run my own business working from home, I have my son 100% of the time (thankfully, with support from family members who adore DS), but I still get very little me / downtime. Very little time with friends. I moved 300 miles to a new village a few years ago and I’m just now making solid friendships with the mums from school.

I feel like every time someone invites me to do something / go out, my DP tries to spoil it. The most recent, this week, I think is the final straw, and I want to end the relationship, but over thinking that maybe I’m being too harsh.

Invited out for dinner / drinks with some friends from school. I tell my DP. It means my DS will stay overnight with my parents and I’ll come home to an empty house/ lie in etc (bliss!). DP’s mood instantly changes. We didn’t have anything planned together because he has his DC that night. He suddenly tells me that he has an opportunity to go out that evening too, he will get a babysitter and we can ‘meet up’ on the night out and go back to his together. I tell him that’s ok, it’s a girls night and no one is meeting up with their partners. I’m quite happy to spend the night with them and all go home together as we live in another village 15 mins away so will share a cab. I let him know that I’m extremely tired with work and will really relish a child-free morning where I can have a lie in and sort the house / potter / get some ‘me time’ in. I also know I’d spend the evening a nervous wreck because he’d be clock watching waiting for me to meet him / arrive at his and I wouldn’t relax. I’m also 100% sure he has fabricated his ‘night out’ in order to insert himself into mine.

He flies off the handle, calling me ‘selfish’, ‘a hypocrite’ (?), ‘ohh look at you getting a child free night and coming home at whatever hour’ etc. ‘Look at you palming your kid off’, ‘fuck you, fuck this’ and so on. Let me remind you that he has 50% of his time child free and does as he pleases in that time, usually a combo of football / pub / gym. He had been in the pub for four hours on this particular evening whilst I bought, cooked and made dinner for us at my home whilst hosting a (very noisy/stressful) play date for my son. He started to reel off the many things he had done for me lately (all of which I didn’t ask for) and finally I asked him to leave because his ranting and raving might wake my son.

ive realised this has been a pattern and relates to most things I do. From buying a new pair of trainers to having to go to a work conference a couple of years ago which he said I ‘could have gotten out of’ but apparently I just wanted to get pissed (?).

Can anyone explain / relate to this behaviour? For me, it’s over, but I know he’ll be back with flowers and I need to stay strong.

He is so so so jealous and this is very unhealthy and abusive.

It's also very controlling.

You sound like you have made a pretty decent life for you and your son. Please remove this idiot from it and carry on enjoying your life x

Hopefully there will be more experienced posters asking but this sounds really awful. Get out now before it grinds you down so much that it's too difficult. You're already second guessing yourself but if he's allowed to carry on, you might get it to a place where you are so messed up it's hard to see straight.

Please don't accept any flowers or apologies. He wants to control your life and is not going to be satisfied until he does. I'm glad you have a supportive family.

He sounds like a controlling nightmare. You're not being too harsh.

Sounds like he's a knob and projecting what he thinks of his behaviour onto your (reasonable from this post) behaviour.

Controlling jealous manipulative wanker - get out now he’ll only get worse.

This

Also how deeply deeply unattractive he sounds

You were very sensible to maintain separate living arrangements. This man is exhibiting coercive control - you need to end it as he will only get worse. Good luck x

Please don't give in. My 1st husband started off like this was moody for a few years then I finally left when I ended up in A&e beaten half to death. You cannot trust a controlling man and your DC deserves better. Imagine if he turned violent and your DC witnessed that. Flowers don't cover bruises.

Like others have said - please don’t waste any more time on this jealous loser. You’re too precious, as is your son to be around someone as unhinged and nasty as this.

Ive been there and done this and like you as soon as the penny dropped for me I was out of there.

Mine went on to harass and stalk me for a while. The police kept him away. But honestly this stuff gets worse not better. It angers me so much. Who does he think he is!

You’re a strong Mama with your own life/ family/ business. You will be well rid my darling ♥️

Oh god, get rid of him. He sounds awful. I had an ex who would always make sure he'd spoilt any nights out I had planned by causing an argument beforehand. Note- ex.

But also tell us about the trainers and the work conference and any other examples you would like to talk through. You are not being too harsh/imagining it:being ungrateful etc etc he is a loon

You know what you need to do, end it now.

Another vote for leaving the emotionally abusive arse

The mood swings are a real worry, I think made worse by the pub and drinking which seems to be creeping up. Funnily enough, he’s always less nuts about any nights out that I may have when he doesn’t have his kids. When he does, it’s like he feels irked that he has to be a parent whilst I’m enjoying (rare) free time. He’s wanted to move in together for ages, but I’ve held it back, mainly because of his drunken outbursts. When he’s sober he’s great, but those instances are becoming less and less. I broke things off with him at Christmas. He stopped drinking, went to therapy and started working out again. I thought it was a real effort to change, but I can see it slipping back.

You are not overthinking this.

End the relationship. He is abusive, controlling and toxic.

In comparison if I (or DH) go for a pretty rare night out with friends we wish each other well and have a non verbal agreement that you also get a lie in the next morning and a bacon sarnie and cup of tea made for you when you eventually get up where we share a laugh over a de-brief of the previous night (not interrogating each other, just a light hearted chat).

In a healthy relationship it's seen as a positive thing to support your partner having hobbies/interests and friendships.

Going out with other people and having other interests stops relationships being too intense but I also think it makes you appreciate a good partner more not less.

Anyone who behaves as your partner does is not waving a big red flag, it's a massive, flashing neon red sign saying "Run".

No, you're not being too harsh.

He's controlling, abusive and, frankly, insane.

Just think: he can't bear the thought if you having a girls night! He has to get involved!

He's a fucker. Get away now.

Sounds like he's massively insecure - he's worried you'll have too much fun without him and/or meet someone else. He's being controlling, trying to change your plans. Tell him that's not going to work by ending the relationship.

Run for the hills

Yea he sounds bloody awful. What is it with the men on mumsnet? They're hideous.

Stop looking for excuses to syay woth someone you know is abusive.

You can leave him for any reason you like. It doesn't require an excuse or even for the relationship be 'bad'. You don't have to explain why to him. You don't need to justify it. You don't even need to (and shouldn't) do it in person. Dump him by text, block him and if he's ever had access to your house, change the locks.

This person is not nice and the bare minimum a partner should is a nice human being.

You've no ties to him, cut him outa your life and walk (run) away.

He’s wanted to move in together for ages, but I’ve held it back, mainly because of his drunken outbursts.

Well done for holding the line, op. You need to start pushing back now. His behaviour sounds bad enough when you’re not not even living together. Just imagine if you had moved in with each other. Breathe a sigh of relief that you didn’t, and tell him it’s over.

The alcohol just lowers his inhibitions to show you who he really is more clearly. Even if he stops drinking, he's the same controlling person underneath but will be more subtle about it.

Trust your gut and get out then stay out. You can do so much better alone than with him. Good luck OP.

Leave him, he's bad news, sadly.

It's coercive control. Abuse. And really common, sadly.

If you need inspiration to be strong, my ex-friend has a DH like this. He was more subtle about it to start with. But it escalated.

Honestly, he won in the end. He poisoned her mind & wore her down. She now has zero friends, is depressed & doesn't go anywhere. He does, of course.

Small karma, though. Recently DH's oldest friend called as ex-friend's DH had applied for a well paying job with his team & remembered we'd known him. DH told him how this man behaved (he'd burned DH, too). He didn't get the job. DH didn't care either way, was just being honest to his friend. I felt happy about it, though. A little win.