Me overreacting vs controlling husband

[slowlygoingcrazyhelp]

I feel like I’m slowly going mad. Throughout my entire relationship my husband has made sly little sarcastic comments. The latest ones are last night me saying I’m tired so I’m going to bed and he replies with ‘Oh I guess that’s us not having sex then’ then again today we are due to go out at 6 and my friend suggested we meet earlier and I said no I’m happy to go at 6 still his reply was ‘Oh you’re no fun then are you’

i e told him countless times that I don’t like this style of rhetorical put down ( that’s how it comes across). I find it weird like he’s incapable of a normal adult reply.

am I just being a massive sensitive knob or is this feel like weird responses to anyone else?

Make it clear to him you would like him to be the man again you married 15 years ago. I am sure he won't have a problem with that. Maybe he just can't get a message across.

Otherwise, I don't have the relationship experience to judge or give advice. I just try to see things from the prospective of another man.

Actually, I joined the forum yesterday only because I am looking for help myself.

PS: "vanilla vine" was a spelling mistake made by the autocomplete of my android phone.

My god he sounds so BORING. Does he think he is witty? Have you ever told him how unutterably tedious he is?

It sounds like that has become his communication style. I bet OP can tell what he's going to come out with and when. It makes trying to talk to someone who does that deeply tedious because the chances of even a casual conversation are zero and for one side at least it's become a point scoring exercise.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. This man has behaved similarly throughout the entirety of this relationship. The emotional harm also being done to their daughters is incalculable.

If this is the extent of the problems in your marriage please for the love of God do not listen to these crazy women who are commenting and leave destroy your marriage over it.

Sure you didn't mean 'hysterical' as well?

OP wrote in for advice about a problem that she finds significant and that upsets her. It's her marriage, if she decide it no longer fulfils her or makes her happy then she has every right to decide if she wants to continue in it, advice from 'crazy women' or not.

Are you suggesting that she put up with being spoken to in the way her husband speaks to her for the rest of their lives?

He has issues but he's trying to put them on you. You can talk to him but I'm guessing he will deny or say it's banter and Make it your issue.

am I just being a massive sensitive knob or is this feel like weird responses to anyone else

I think stop with the labelling, and just look at the effects? He says stuff, you don't like it, so you don't feel good. You tell him you don't like it, then he does it again, so you feel worse.

Nobody has to be 'oversensitive' or 'weird': you don't like the way he speaks to you, and when you tell him, he doesn't amend anything.

Work from there. Do you want to live like that? Do you want your daughters to grow up watching that, knowing that they will base their relationships as adults on what you show them, now?

I agree with you !
Also, non of as us actually met that guy and know what he is really like. Everybody is just assuming the situation how it is arriving at them.

I have such a feeling, he is trying to get her attention and is disappointed because he can't get it and feels hurt . As soon as he says something, she feels hurt as well and she feels downgraded because of the way he comes across.

It is a bit of a visual circle. Just need to spend more time which each other.

It is probably because a mams main focus are always the kids, but that doesn't mean a father doesn't love his kids, too.

One man told me, one of the greatest achievement he done in life, was growing up his two sons.

My parents are also divorced and I know my father suffered from it.

A father who loves his kids wouldn't belittle them. Have the kids done something to upset him to deserve being belittled by him as well?

You seem to be making a whole lot of excuses for a man who has spoken to his wife in a way that upsets her for years and despite her repeatedly telling him it upsets her, he continues to do it. It's not like he's unaware that she doesn't like it. If he's trying to get her attention he's going about it in a stupid way.

I can't see he has said anything too serious. It is just our interpretation.

slowlygoingcrazyhelp should comment on it now to get us on track.

Maybe she didn't even read our posts yet ?!

Which would tell you something. Why should I take the time to type this, if nobody is reading it anyway .

It wouldn't matter to my DH if he thought something he said was that serious. If I told him he was doing something that upset me, regardless of whether he thought it was a big deal or not, he wouldn't keep doing it. It doesn't matter how she interprets it, if he consistently speaks in a way that upsets her, regardless of whether he or anyone else thinks it's a big deal, he should stop doing it. If he cares. But he clearly doesn't.

Sorry but were did she say something about "belittled" ?
A while ago, me and my mate made plans for the

Weekend to go kayaking . When I texted him on Saturday morning 'i am ready' and on the way to his place, he said he has no time because he has other plans now. I was p... off. Not because he had no time, but because he ruined my whole weekend carelessly.
I could have made different plans if he would have bothered to tell me a few days earlier. What can you do about it?! You can't fall out with people, because of it, or you will have no friends! ?
I hope you understand what I try to say.

Sorry but were did she say something about "belittled" ?

Op's second post on this thread.

Ok so he let you down one time. What if he did the same thing every time you made plans. Constantly cancelled plans last minute for 10 years. Would you still be friends with him?

Exactly !
Now you understand were I am coming from.
I wouldn't fall out with him, but I wouldn't call him back after a while and we would live apart.
However I better leave it to it now, as long the Poster doesn't get back to us, how she found the posts helpful or not.

No I don't understand where you're coming from. If you wouldn't fall out with someone who repeatedly lets you down for a decade then you have some self esteem issues you need to work on.

The OP has every right to walk away form a man who repeatedly belittles her even after she's told him time and time again that it upsets her. There are plenty of good husbands out there who treat their wives with respect, why settle for someone who makes you feel bad? It's the same with friends. You're better off having no friends than a friend who consistently lets you down.

Yes, but that is what I am saying. She has no time for here husband!

Where are you getting that idea from?

I'm not surprised. If my DH made belittling sarcastic remarks to me all the time I wouldn't want to spend much time with him or talk to him either. All your comments seem to suggest that you think a wife should put up with whatever her DH wants to dish out.

Not at all. I believe in equality. But, a woman shouldn't expect her husband to live in a cave, just because he in moaning.

And a husband shouldn't expect his wife to put up with sarcastic belittling remarks, so we seem to have reached an impasse.

Where exactly does it mention her expecting him to live in a cave?

Where does it say she expects him to live in a cave.

She wanted to go to bed early because she was tired, probably because she's the one running around doing everything for the kids and all the housework because he prefers to sit on the couch doing nothing. And he has the cheek to make a snarky comment about not getting any sex.

Then because she wants to go out at the originally agreed time of 6pm because she has things to do she's no fun? She hasn't said she wouldn't go or tried to rearrange the plans. She just said she couldn't go earlier than the already agreed time because she had other things to do first. Maybe of he was more active in helping her with errands they could head out a bit earlier. Maybe that's why his snarky comment is even harder to take.

"I guess we are not having sex then?"
-"Correct" , would be a reasonable response, that's not really a put down, more his way of confirming its not on the cards.
I'd be enclined to respond, however, with:
"Oh, you wanted sex, I hadn't noticed because you haven't done any or said any supportive or kind things to me today, or shown any affection that would be necessary to indicate intentions, without that as a basis, nobodywould want sex".
The "you're no fun comment", pretty mild put-down, and daft, but you could call his bluff and suggest you ring your friend back and go earlier, he'd probably then claim there's no need as he just said it as an excuse to be negative about you.

Wanilla Wine would work too OP.