I'm selfishly thinking about the funeral...

[Hamseven]

I have had a tricky relationship with my dad for many years. I've posted before about it but to summarise - he remarried when I was a teen and had had no time for me or my children since. He prioritices his step grandchildren over his own who he can't even remember them name of, he calls his grandson with ASD naughty and so and so on.
Anyway I took your advice and just stopped contacting him and as such I've heard nothing from him since before Christmas.
However I'm selfishly worrying about his funeral and he's not even dying! (He's not well and he is old.) But I'm concerned that when he does pass I will want to go to the funeral but I think my step mum will cause a scene and tell me I'm not welcome because I haven't spoken to him for so long. But I will really want to go and my brother's will want me to be there.
Is it odd that I want to be at the funeral but not want to be in his life now while he's alive? Should I just forget all the issues and get in touch with him? What do I do?

Can you go "low contact" rather than no contact? Stay in his life just enough but no more. Eg send them a Christmas card, phone him once a year on his birthday, send him an occasional text message.

It’s slightly odd to be worrying about whether you will be invited to the funeral of someone who appears to be nowhere near death, when he isn’t someone you really have a relationship with for the good reason that he’s not interested. Try to think about what’s really going on here. Why do you think you will want to go — closure? Other people’s opinions? Support your siblings? Feeling overlooked or unwanted in death as in his life?

Well I can empathise with this. I've always had a very difficult relationship with my family and worrying about how I would cope with a funeral when the inevitable happened used to be something I would fret about.
I didn't go to my fathers funeral. I went to my mother's funeral but wished I hadn't because I felt just like a total outsider, not one of the family mourners. When my brother died at the end of last year I didn't go to his funeral either and since then I've taken the decision to go totally no contact with my remaining family. I must say I wish I'd done that years ago and although it's sad not to have family I feel a total weight off my mind.
So I can't advise you what to do but I definitely found not going to funerals the lesser of two evils.

Are you worried literally about supporting your brothers at the funeral, so the event itself, or is it more about being there for your dad? If it's the latter I suspect really you are feeling sad about the NC and subconsciously worrying about how you will feel when he's dead and gone and you can't change it. Perhaps try to immerse yourself a bit in that scenario - do you think you'll feel regret? Will it be regret at him not being the father you've deserved or regret that you didn't make the most of the father you had? Perhaps you are mourning your relationship with the great father you should've had; once you've gone NC then people have no chance to suddenly be a better parent which we always hope for. Use your reflections yo decide next steps - if you realise actually you want to make the most of him even if he's flawed get in touch, if you realise you're grieving the father that never was then raise a glass and say goodbye.

You need to ask yourself why you would want to go to the funeral, I can think of some suggestions but the answer to the question would help you I am sure.

I worry about my mum's funeral too. She's behaved so horrendously to me but thinks she's the victim of me, and has smeared me to all the relatives. So yeh, dreading her funeral. My dad is her foot soldier and will honour her cold shoulder to me for the rest of his days. The relatives will stare at me like I'm a cold hearted bitch when it broke my heart and sent me to therapy that she would not stop hurting me and would not listen to me. I guess I always knew I'd be frozen out the moment I tried to give some feedback to the family. I was labelled crazy and aggressive. So sorry, hijack but I completely understand. I will have to go, I have to be seen, but I will arrive just before it starts, sit at the back, leave the second it's over, if there's soup and sandwiches in a hotel I won't be going to that. I'd rather the relatives say what a cold hearted bitch I still am than get more mileage out of my upset.